Épisode Ma tragédienne S02E21

Apartment -- Bedroom

J.D. is sprawled across the bed, staring at the ceiling, with Jamie lying next to him.

J.D.'s Thoughts: When you're dating a woman whose husband just died after two years in a coma, you can't help but have doubts about the relationship. I guess all you can do is be a man, and face those doubts head-on.

Jamie: What are you thinking about?

J.D.: Eggs. You know, one minute they're bad for you, now everybody's like, "Hey, have you tried eggs? Th-They-They're great!" It's c--it's crazy. Every--...eggs are....

Jamie: You know what? Forget I asked.

She gets up and stands at the foot of the bed.

J.D.: What?

Jamie: J.D., I really wanted tonight to be romantic.

J.D.: Sweetie, it is!

The camera pulls back to a wide angle of J.D., tied down spread-eagle to all the bed posts.

J.D.: Now, exactly how much feeling am I supposed to lose in my extremities?

She rips her robe open to reveal a hot black negligee.

Jamie: Just enough so it still hurts.

She sexily crawls up the bed with him.

J.D.'s Narration: Still, things are going pretty well with me and Jamie.

Cut to...

Hospital, Admissions -- The Next Day

The gang are gathered at the front desk, where Elliot is taking a look at J.D.'s reddened wrist.

Elliot: Looks like rope-burn to me.

J.D.: Oh, no, this a--a rash from my new watch. They didn't tell me the band was made out of....cat.

Elliot's eyes widen in surprise, but her attention is called away by Carla, who has a catalog.

Carla: Elliot, check out these wedding dresses.

The two girls look at the wedding dresses, while J.D. shows off his rope burns to Turk, with a little macho squeal. (Oxymoron? Not in J.D.'s world.)

Turk: I am _so_ proud of you right now!

The guys high-five.

Elliot: [pointing to the catalog] This is exactly like the dress I bought! Huh!

J.D.: Hm?

Elliot: [stammering] Oh, I--I didn't already buy a wedding dress. I mean, I'm not even dating anybody, so that would be crazy.... Whether it was half-off or not....

Turk: Dude, there's not one good thing about her planning a wedding I can't afford.

Carla: Turk, I know it's silly -- and I know it's only for one day -- but ever since I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was have a big, beautiful wedding.

Turk: Baby! What's the name of that designer you love so much? She made that gown? Vera...

Carla: "Wang."

Turk and J.D. titter like little boys.

Elliot: Oh, my God. You're the only two doctors immature enough to laugh at the name "Vera Wang."

Todd steps up behind her and Carla.

Todd: Hello.

Elliot: Go ahead.

Todd: What? I think Vera Wang makes very beautiful gowns. Plus, her last name is a very funny word for "penis." Who's with me? Air-five! [holds up his palm in J.D. and Turk's direction] Stsh! Stsh! Stsh!

Cut to...

Hall

J.D. stops by the Janitor, who is mopping the floor in some shorts that appear to be just a modified version of his usual pants.

J.D.: Shorts, huh?

Janitor: Yeah. What, I don't get to wear shorts, 'cause I'm just a lowly janitor?

J.D.: I didn't say "lowly."

Janitor: Oh, so now I'm a janitor?

J.D.: Yes! Have you been drinking?

Janitor: I'm not _drunk_.

J.D.: I love your shorts, okay? I wish I had a pair just like 'em.

Janitor: Hm.

J.D. continues on towards the Nurses' Station, where Dr. Cox is giving some instructions to an overweight patient who is being wheeled through.

Dr. Cox: Okay, Mr. Westfeld, now the angioplasty went well, but here's the thing: It is on you, pardner. You gotta start watching what you eat so that we can kick this thing in the ass. Okay?

J.D. calls after the man as he's wheeled on.

J.D.: It's on you, pardner!

Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you _so much_ for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming out party?

J.D.: Is that a gay joke?

Dr. Cox: No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years -- how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays! I like the gays -- I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween -- but _our thing_ is that you are a _little girl_. That's who you are! But that's really not fair....

J.D.'s Thoughts: Man, once Dr. Cox gets on a roll, there's nothing that can derail him.

Dr. Cox: ....is just impossible.

Carla speaks to them from behind the desk.

Carla: My mom died.

The two guys turn to look at her, speechless with concern.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Except that.

~*~

OPENING THEME

COMMERCIALS

~*~

Admissions

Everyone is in black clothes, returned from Carla's mother's funeral.

Carla: Thank you all for coming, I know you're busy.

J.D.'s Narration: The toughest part about working in a hospital is that, no matter what else is going on in your life, you have to dive right back into the middle of things.

Everyone splits up, their attire fading from the funeral clothes to their work scrubs.

J.D. walks through to the hall, where the Janitor cuts him off, presenting a pair of scrubs shorts. Really short scrubs shorts.

Janitor: So, anyway, you said you liked mine, and I had the wife whip you up a pair of your own! You like 'em?

J.D.: [flabbergasted] Do I like 'em? Why, just the other day, I was asking myself, "How can I display my package in a way that's both alluring and professional?"

Janitor: Well, there's your answer!

J.D. reluctantly takes the shorts and continues down the hall.

J.D.: Ugh.

Janitor: [happy] HAH-HAH-HAH! Ahhh! To be young and in shorts!

Cut to...

Apartment, Bedroom -- Night

J.D. is in bed, and Jamie stands at the foot.

Jamie: Are you ready for bed?

J.D.: Oh, I'm ready.

J.D.'s Narration: A lot can change in a week.

She pulls her robe open, to reveal...sweats.

She climbs under the covers next to J.D.

Jamie: Scoot.

She opens a book.

Jamie: Can you hand my mouth guard to me?

He passes it to her.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Uh, ew.

Jamie: [muffled by the mouth guard] Thanks.

She slurps.

Cut to...

Hospital, Hall -- The Next Day

J.D. and Elliot are walking through to the I.C.U.

Elliot: J.D., if things have fizzled that much, I mean, ______ or you try to figure out the problem.

J.D.: Things haven't fizzled, all right? Last night we made ice cubes out of orange juice, so step off!

They arrive to the open area of the I.C.U., where the residents have collected for rounds.

Dr. Kelso and Ted the Lawyer stand in the center of the group.

Lawyer: Okay, gang! Before we begin, Dr. Kelso wants me to remind you of the legal ramifications of all your teensy snafus.

Dr. Kelso angrily pushes him aside.

Dr. Kelso: "Teensy snafus"?!? Good God, Ted, it's not a Dr. Seuss story!

Now, listen up, nametags! Over fifty percent of our lawsuits can be traced back to poor patient-doctor communication. To that end, if any of you still feel the need to flap your babble holes, you will be joining me in my new daily seminar on doctor-patient relations. My first invitee will be Dr. Murphy, whom I recently overheard telling someone, "Stop bleeding, stop bleeding, oh, God, please stop bleeding."

Doug: It was a gusher!

Dr. Kelso: Next catastrophe. ...Idiots!

He moves on.

Doug: I hate him so much!

Lawyer: Save it for our weekend bike ride.

~*~

I.C.U. -- Nurses' Station

Nurse Roberts offers a plate of food to Dr. Cox when he stops at the desk.

Nurse Roberts: Dr. Cox, would you like to try one of my world-famous deviled eggs?

Dr. Cox: No, thank you, I've already had diarrhea.

Carla! I just wanted to see how you were, uh---

Carla silently works -- like a robot, numb from the shock and sadness of her loss.

Dr. Cox: ...It's always tough when you have to bury your own mom, isn't it?

Carla: Mm-hmm. What was your mother's funeral like?

Dr. Cox: Wouldn't know -- skipped it. But my aunt told my father it was very moving. [laughs pathetically] Oh, gosh.

Cut to...

Admissions

J.D. enters from deeper in the hospital to see Elliot and Jamie having a very animated and cheerful conversation.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Wow.... The past and the present.

J.D.'s Narration: Whenever I see two beautiful women that I've been intimate with talking to each other, I always have the same fantasy....

***Fantasy Sequence: Fred "Rerun" Berry (from '70s TV's 'What's Happening!!!' [see episode 1.10, "My Nickname", for another reference]) is decked out in his supposedly trademark outfit of red trousers, yellow shirt, and beret. The girls are wearing similar, with the modification of skirts.

He's teaching them the "Rerun Dance".

Rerun: Come on, ladies! It's right hand, left hand, shoulder-pop, jump! Right hand, left hand, shoulder-pop, jump!

To James Brown's "Sex Machine", the girls awkwardly try to keep in step.

****

J.D.: Mm!

He strides over to the women.

J.D.: [smarmy] What are you two talking 'bout?

Elliot: _Not_ the Rerun Dance.

J.D.'s Thoughts: I tell her way too much.

Jamie: You left some stuff in my apartment.

She hands a rather large box to him.

J.D.: Oh, thanks!

Jamie: See ya.

She gives him a kiss and exits.

J.D.: [grinning] Mmm....

Elliot: You wanna know why things with Jamie are so 'lamey'?

J.D.: We're doing fine!

Elliot: Oh, please! She's clearing you out of her apartment!

J.D.: Wrong! She just came by because she knows today at work, I need my...[rummages through the box]...squash goggles.

Elliot: Mm.

J.D.: I have to saw something later.

Elliot: She's a drama queen, J.D.! When her husband was in a coma, it was all, like, taboo and exciting; but now that it's okay for the two of you to be together, the relationship's got no snap...it's got no crackle. [her tone turns grave] J.D.... It's got no pop. I know! Because I'm a drama queen, too!

J.D.: Well, Jamie is not like you, okay!?

He walks off in a huff.

Elliot: No Pop!

J.D.: [shushing her] Ditditditdit!

~*~

Exam Room

Dr. Cox is weighing his overweight patient.

Dr. Cox: Nine pounds in a _week_!? Let me ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your _ass_ off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside someone's clogged artery. And all that a person has to do, really, is -- oh, I don't know -- go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that!?! And I know, I know, here I'm supposed to be Dr. Give A Crap, but you wanna know the God's honest truth? And this is a fact -- you are what you eat, and you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn'cha!

Flash To... Hall

Dr. Kelso and Ted the Lawyer have Dr. Cox cornered.

Lawyer: See, Dr. Cox, this is, uh, the sort of hostile behavior that can cause us legal difficulty.

Dr. Cox: [whistles] Ted! I just might rip that tie off your neck and jam it down your esophagus.

Lawyer: I think you proved at Nurse Roberts' above-ground pool party that that doesn't solve anything.

Dr. Kelso shoves Ted out of the way.

Dr. Kelso: Dammit, Perry! You can't just go around brow-beating nut-jobs and bullying fatties!

Dr. Cox: Well, I'm not a resident, so I'm not going to your lame-ass doctor-patient seminar.... So, in essence, there, Big Bob, [chuckling] there's really nothing you can do to me at all, is there!

Flash To... Lecture Room

Dr. Cox sits on a stool at the front of the room, where several young doctors sit at a large table facing him.

Dr. Cox: Hello, class. My name is Dr. Perry Cox.... I'm going to be your teacher.

Doug raises his hand.

Dr. Cox: No.

Todd raises his hand.

Dr. Cox: No!

Todd raises it again.

Dr. Cox: NO!

~*~

Turk and J.D.'s Apartment -- Living Room

Carla is on the couch with a photo album. She's alone and crying, with only the stereo softly playing Keren DeBerg's "Sleep" to comfort her.

Turk comes home.

Turk: Hey. You okay?

She wipes her face and clears her throat, trying to cover.

Carla: Great. What are you doing home so early?

Turk: Just came to check on you.

He comes over and puts his arms around her, taking a look over her shoulder at the album.

Turk: You looking at pictures?

Carla: Yeah.

She gently touches one of the images of her mother.

Carla: I know she was...old. Still, she was my best friend. [crying again] I mean, what are you supposed to do without your mom?

Turk: You can let your man fill a little bit of the hole that she left.

Carla: She would like that.

There's a moment of silence.

Turk: Baby, she hated me.

Carla: Yeah, she did.

He kisses her cheek.

~*~

Locker Room

J.D. faces a mirror as he puts his casual clothes on. He's just getting his shirt over his head when he suddenly sees the reflection of the Janitor over his shoulder.

J.D.: Holy shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh--

Janitor: [whispering] Shhhhhh! Calm down. I didn't mean to scare you.

J.D.: [whispering] Why are we whispering?

Janitor: [whispering] I wanted to see if you would whisper because I whispered.

J.D.: [whispering] I think I would.

The Janitor backs off, and J.D. turns around.

Janitor: Anyway, what's the deal? We're supposed to be shorts buddies today. You saw the schedule: Monday-Tuesday, shorts; Wednesday, we wash 'em; Thursday-Friday, shorts; weekend, optional -- I'll be wearing shorts.

J.D.: Yeah, I know. I was gonna wear 'em, but you know someone went and stole them out of my locker!

Janitor: What?

J.D.: Yes!

Janitor: Let me see!

He pokes his head towards J.D.'s open locker, but J.D. slams the door shut.

Cut to...

Hospital Exterior

J.D. comes down the wheelchair ramp to leave.

J.D.'s Narration: As a doctor, you get good at thinking on your feet. I was able to protect the Janitor's feelings, plus, he totally bought it!

He passes the dumpster, where The Janitor pokes his head out of the trash, J.D.'s heavily soiled scrubs shorts in hand.

Janitor: Mentiroso!

Subtitle: "Liar!"

~*~

Jamie's Apartment -- Living Room

J.D. and Jamie sit side by side on the couch. He's eating a burger, she's reading a magazine.

J.D.: This burger's really meaty.

He doesn't get a reaction.

J.D.: I'm serious -- you can really taste all the meat.

Jamie: Yeah, you know, I'm actually gonna go put my sweats on.

She stands up and heads for the bedroom.

J.D.: You're already wearing sweats.

It's true, she is.

Jamie: You know what, I gotta get up kinda early, so maybe you should just crash at your place tonight.

She continues on to the bedroom.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Look, she probably does have to get up early, so just be cool.

He chills out by putting his feet up so he can at least relax and finish his burger before he leaves.

Unfortunately, he puts his feet up on Jamie's glass-top coffee table, which shatters under the force of his thick-soled shoes.

Jamie rushes from the bedroom.

J.D.: I'm so sorry! It was a total accident, I just...I just---

Jamie: Don't lie to me! I asked you to go, so you punched in my coffee table, didn't you.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, my God! She does want drama!

J.D.: [lamely shaking his fist] Sometimes you make me so crazy!

Jamie: Come here. I'll take care of you.

She leads him off to the bedroom.

J.D.'s Thoughts: This is totally normal. I mean, in relationships, you have to roll with the punches! Even the ones you don't see coming....

Cut to...

Turk and J.D.'s Apartment

Turk and Carla are still cuddled on the couch.

Turk: Carla, if there were anything I could do to make you feel better, I'd do it.

Carla: Let's get married now.

His expression says, "Anything but that."

~*~

COMMERCIAL

~*~

Hospital, Hall -- The Next Day

J.D. and Turk are walking through.

J.D.: She wants to get married _now_?

Turk: She says it's romantic to be spontaneous.

J.D.: Ahh, that is romantic. So, how pregnant is she?

Turk: She's not pregnant!

J.D. grins.

Turk: Man, I was getting really psyched for this whole wedding, man -- the dancing, the band, you woulda hooked up with one of Carla's sisters!

J.D.: Really? Which one?

Turk: The drunkest one.

J.D.: Nice!

Turk: Plus, now there's no bachelor party; and you being the Best Man, I _know_ you woulda hooked it up!

J.D. stops in his tracks.

***Fantasy: Fred "Rerun" Berry is back in his outfit. Now he's leading a whole group of guys in similar outfits -- J.D., Turk, Doug, The Todd -- all the guys who would have been at that totally awesome bachelor party.

Rerun: All right, guys! Let's make it happen!

Again, to "Sex Machine", they all do the "Rerun Dance."

****

Turk: Dude!

J.D.: That woulda been awesome!

Turk: I'm just having a hard time getting excited about all of this, you know what I mean?

Flash To...

The Hospital Chapel

J.D. waits as Turk sets things up with the Chaplain.

Chaplain: Well, you work here, so I guess we could do the whole ceremony for about forty bucks.

Turk thankfully embraces the man.

Turk: Praise Jesus!

J.D.'s Narration: As for my relationship, I was doing anything I could to keep the drama alive.

Jamie's Apartment: Jamie snuggles up to J.D. as he talks on the phone.

J.D.: [into phone, forcefully] Look, Jamie and I are gonna be together, and I don't care what you think, Mom!

Restaurant: On a date with Jamie, J.D. talks forcefully to the waiter.

J.D.: Because I don't want salad, that's why!

He flings the plate across the room.

Jamie's Apartment: Jamie is all over J.D. as he talks on the phone.

J.D.: [into phone, forcefully] Look, Jamie and I are gonna be together, and I don't care what you think, Dad!

He hangs up just in time to be tackled by Jamie.

Bar: Jamie is cuddled up to J.D. as he forcefully addresses a midget.

J.D.: I'm warning you! Stop eyeballing my woman!

Jamie: Actually, J.D., I think it was that guy!

She points to a bigger, tougher guy, but J.D. points back to the midget.

J.D.: No, it was definitely that guy!

J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, I was running out of ideas.

Cut to...Hospital -- Hall (?)

J.D. and Elliot catch up to each other.

Elliot: So, how's the drama queen doing?

J.D.: I don't know. How are you? Zinnnnng!

Elliot: Why can't you just admit that I'm right?

J.D.: Because you're not right!

They split, but not before Elliot can get the last word...

Elliot: NO POP! Heh!

J.D. catches up with Jamie.

Jamie: What the hell was that all about?

J.D.'s Thoughts: I wouldn't stoop this low for drama.

J.D.: Well, we used to be a couple, and now that you're in the picture? Guess who wants me back!

J.D.'s Thoughts: Fine, I'd stoop!

Jamie: Oh, she better watch it!

~*~

Nurses' Station

Nurse Roberts is on the phone.

Nurse Roberts: [on phone] Lester? Honey, I don't want you using the stove on your own.

Dr. Cox's overweight patient stands in front of her.

Man: Nurse, I asked for an extra pillow an hour ago!

Nurse Roberts: I'm talking to my husband! So why don't you get your own damn pillow!?

Dr. Kelso happens to be passing through, and he gives her the evil eye.

Nurse Roberts: What?!

Flash to...

The Lecture Room

Nurse Roberts is another added to the table of students in Dr. Cox's class.

Dr. Cox: And they stuck you in here for that?

Nurse Roberts: I apologized to the old man! Anybody can have a bad day. Shoot.

Dr. Cox: And what about you, there, Beavis?

Todd: Oh, uhh....

***Flashback: Private Patient's Room

The Todd is at the bedside of one of his young female patients.

Patient: You know, Doctor, I'm getting a little tired of the sexual innuendo.

Todd: In your end-o!

****

Dr. Cox: That's great stuff. Ted, why don't you be a sport and...and get us started.

Lawyer: [clears throat] Uh, people, we're here today....

Dr. Cox: Snore! New idea: we're all gonna clam up for about an hour so I can get some shut-eye.

He sinks back on his stool and closes his eyes.

Dr. Cox: Oh, and Nervous Guy--

Doug looks up, his mouth full of fresh carrots he brought in a plastic baggie.

Doug: Yes, Dr. Cox?

Dr. Cox: --if I were you, I'd go ahead and swallow that entire mouthful of baby carrots. Because, if I hear you make even one more damn crunch, I'm gonna use the remainder of the carrots in that bag to make you completely air-tight, son.

Doug does his best to swallow his large cheekful of carrot bits without making a sound. He fails, and sort of gags and snorts all at once. Looks painful, sounds disgusting.

~*~

Hospital Parking Lot

Elliot is walking in to work.

Jamie drives past.

Elliot: Hey, Jamie!

Jamie: Hey, slut!

Flash to...

Hospital, Hall

J.D. and Elliot walk through.

J.D.: I can totally explain why Jamie said that. You know how Turk always says "hey, player" when he means "hey, buddy"?

Elliot: Yeah...?

J.D.: Well, Jamie's from Cincinnati, and in Cincinnati they say, "Hey, slut!"

Elliot: Oh.... Neat!

Cut to...

Another Hall

Carla and Turk are outside the closed Chapel.

Carla: Turk? Are you sure you're happy we're doing this?

Turk: Are you kidding me? This is my ideal wedding! It's cheap, there's no hassle, plus you said you'd call my mom and explain to her why she wasn't invited.

Carla: No I didn't!

Carla: What's in it for me?

Turk: This!

He opens the doors to reveal the place filled with flowers.

Carla: [gasps] Oh, my God!

Turk: Mm-hmm.

Carla: Gimme the phone, I'll call her right now.

He whips out his cell phone and presents it with a whistle.

Carla: You are such a momma's boy!

Turk: Please! [quietly, into phone] Dial mommy.

~*~

Dr. Kelso Office

Ted stands idly next to Dr. Kelso's desk, where the big guy is seated, lecturing Dr. Cox.

Dr. Kelso: Dammit, Perry, you're there to teach! If I wanted somebody to lay around all day and do nothing, I would've wheeled in a corpse...or my housekeeper, Rosalba.

Dr. Cox: Captain Clip-On? Did you go ahead and tattle on me?

Lawyer: Oh, please, with the shocked look. Newsflash -- I'm sterile!

They both look at him hard.

Lawyer: I mean gutless! ...My guys swim in circles. I--I think it's the bike-riding.

~*~

Cafeteria

Carla passes Elliot's table with her tray.

Carla: Hey, Elliot.

Elliot: Hey, slut!

Carla spins around.

Carla: Excuse me?

J.D. leaps up from his table where he's having lunch with Jamie to intercept.

J.D.: Uh, Carla, could you give, uh, me and Elliot a second? I gotta talk to her privately.

Carla gives Elliot one more unsure, slightly dirty look and moves on.

J.D.: Thank you!

J.D. stands on the other side of Elliot's table, and leans down to talk to her.

J.D.: Hey, uh, I just wanted to say, you were right about Jamie.

Elliot: Uh-huh. And what does Jamie think you're doing over here?

J.D.: Asking you not to show up at my apartment drunk, naked, and crying. You know what's weird? I really like this girl, but I'm not sure I can keep it going with all the drama.

Elliot: I think you just have to gamble that once all the drama's gone, there's still gonna be something there. If not, it's her loss.

J.D.: [thoughtful] Yeah.

Elliot: Still, if it helps:

She gives him a full, wide-sweeping slap across the face, then nonchalantly goes back to her salad.

J.D.: Thanks.

Elliot: Mm-hmm.

~*~

Lecture Room

Dr. Cox is back with his class, to which Elliot has been added.

The Lawyer stands by to supervise as Dr. Cox reads the dictated spiel.

Dr. Cox: Okay, here we go. [reading] When hospital employees fail to communicate properly with patients, there are both ethical and legal ramifications that can lead to financial hardships for the institution and personal grievances against its...[takes a breath]...doctors. Huh.

Elliot: Dr. Cox! This is useless, I thought we were really going to learn something?

Dr. Cox: Barbie, why did they toss you in here?

Elliot: Oh, they didn't! I'm, uh...uh, I'm...auditing.

Dr. Cox: Fine. Fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine. [tosses away the lecture guidelines] You wanna know the real skinny? If you want to be good doctors and nurses, you damn-sure better get ready to get in trouble -- a lot. Because patients are stupid, and they are really scared. And some of them need you to hold their hands, and you should. Others need you to kick their asses, and you absolutely should do that, too. But, it really all just comes down to whether or not you got the guts to say just exactly what you know in your heart of hearts you really should say.

Everyone takes a moment to digest this, interrupted by Dr. Kelso entering the room.

Dr. Kelso: Sooo, Ted! How is Professor Cox doing?

Ted thinks a moment.

Lawyer: Excellent, sir!

Dr. Cox: [proud of himself] Ha-haaa!

Lawyer: And you know what else? I quit!

Dr. Kelso: No, you don't.

Lawyer: Well, I'm leaving early today!

Dr. Kelso: No, you're coming back to my office and doing busy work!

Lawyer: Fine. But I'm getting a soda first!

Dr. Kelso: Whatever!

Dr. Kelso leaves, and Ted raises his arms over his head in victory.

The opening of "Don't You (Forget About Me)" -- from 'The Breakfast Club' -- plays as the class splits up.

~*~

Hall

J.D. walks through. He's stopped by The Janitor.

Janitor: Doctor.

J.D.: Janitor. [sniffs] What's that smell?

Janitor: I don't know. Although, it smells a little bit like....The Truth!

He whips out the dirty, previously secretly disposed scrubs shorts, and holds them in J.D.'s face.

J.D.: [disgusted] Augh!

Janitor: My poor wife _slaved_ over these!

J.D.: She just cut off a pair of scrubs and hemmed the bottom. What's the big deal?

Janitor: What's the big deal? Well, the Good Lord didn't bless my wife with all ten fingers. She's only got pointer...and...thumb-pinkie.

He holds up his hands in demonstration.

J.D.: Look, I'm sorry, okay? For...so many things. But, I'm a doctor -- I can't really wear shorts to work.

Janitor: Can't wear shorts to work?

J.D.: Nope.

Janitor: Can't wear shorts to _work_?

J.D.: Not allowed!

Cut to...

Bar

J.D. delivers Jamie's drink to her. He's wearing the shorts, dingy as they are. After all, he's not _at work_.

Jamie: Thanks. What's up with the man-____?

J.D.: Oh, nothing. I'm just trying to mend some fences.

Jamie: So, do you think Elliot's somewhere right now, crying her eyes out?

J.D.: Oh, without a doubt.... But not about me. No, I...I kinda made all that stuff up. It just seems like you and I only really click when something crazy is going on.

Jamie: Mm.

J.D.: I dunno, I guess I realized I don't really want to be in a relationship like that.

Jamie: [sexily] Is that an ultimatum?

J.D.: No, Jamie, no! It's not an ultimatum, it's just something to think about.

His phone begins to ring. He looks at the number displayed.

J.D.: Oh, shoot, I gotta go!

He gives her a quick peck and rushes out.

The midget at the end of the bar takes notice of Jamie.

Midget: You guys are having problems?

Jamie: Yeah....

Cut to...

Chapel

J.D. rushes in, where Dr. Cox, Nurse Roberts, and Elliot are in the pews, and Turk and Carla are preparing themselves at the altar.

Everyone is obviously on break, as they're all wearing their work clothes.

J.D.: Hey! Sorry I'm late!

Dr. Cox: [noticing J.D.'s shorts] Boy, I'll tell you what, it's just not a wedding without a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, is it.

Carla collects her bouquet.

Carla: Are you ready, Sweetie?

Turk: Since the day I met you!

J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes it takes a priest to keep you from making a big mistake.

Chaplain: [quietly to Turk] Uh, Christopher, before we begin, remind me of the bride's name?

Turk: Carla!

***Flashback: Carla, looking over her choices of wedding gowns.

Carla: I know it's silly -- and I know it's only for one day -- but ever since I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was have a big, beautiful wedding.

****

Carla looks at Turk expectantly.

Turk: Baby, you don't want to do this.

Carla: What?

Turk: Look, since your mother passed, you probably been feeling lonely, and like you don't have any family. But I'm your family now -- whether we do it like this, or we wait and do it like you've always wanted to. Don't you think?

She thinks a moment, and then smiles and kisses him. She agrees.

Dr. Cox: Holy cow, talk about your gigantic time-wasters.

He gets up and walks out.

Nurse Roberts follows suit.

Nurse Roberts: Tell me about it.

Elliot: Oh, come on -- lighten up, slut!

Nurse Roberts turns back.

Nurse Roberts: What, now?

J.D.'s Narration: I think relationships can be defined by big moments that don't happen. ...Or by the little ones that do.

Dr. Kelso's Office: Ted takes a moment alone in there to sit back in Dr. Kelso's chair, with his feet up on the desk, enjoying his Fresca.

Lawyer: [takes a sip] Ahhh. That's the stuff!

J.D.'s Narration: But once you get past the drama, it's actually pretty simple.