Open: The Hospital, A Semi-Private Patient's Room - Day
J.D., armed with a tongue depressor and light, is peering into the mouth of an elderly man.
JD: Say "ah".
Patient: Ah.
JD: Say "oh".
Patient: Ohh?
J.D. stands back, and begins waving his hands in the air.
JD: Everybody say ahh-ohh, ahh-ohh!....
The man looks at him, confused.
JD: ....Ohh...... Excuse me.
He leaves the room.
Cut to:
Admissions Area
J.D. pokes his head around the corner to see the Lawyer speaking to Dr. Cox.
Lawyer: As legal counselor, it is my job to inform you that your suspension is effective immediately.
Dr. Cox looks at him, angrily.
Lawyer: Oh, gah! I'm just the messenger! Your long-term job status will be decided at the board meeting. Until then, and I can not bend on this, I don't want you setting foot on the premises.
Dr. Cox: I'm going to be here all day.
Lawyer: [intimidated] That works for me; that'll be good. I hope that works out....
As the Lawyer is still speaking, Dr. Cox exits the area, speeding past J.D.
JD: Dr. Cox, if you need to talk---
Cut To:
The Hallway
J.D. is walking back to his patient's room, passing several staff members wearing halloween costume accessories.
J.D.'s Narration: It was weird knowing that my mentor could be fired by this time tomorrow. But there's no reason to feel any less confident; I'll be fine without a safety net.
He enters the doorway of his patient.
Patient: So, what do you think, Dr. Dorian? Bypass or stant?
*** Fantasy Sequence: A tightrope.
The patient stands at one end, as J.D. precariously walks the rope.
He falls.
JD: [on his way down] Bypass!
As the patient looks down, out of camera shot, we hear J.D. hit the ground with a thud.
JD: [out of view -- in pain] Or stant.
~*~
OPENING THEME
COMMERCIAL
~*~
Reopen: The Hospital Hallway - Day
J.D. appears uneasy as he is walking through, slipping on a pair of rubber gloves.
J.D.'s Narration: There's a lot of horrible things about being an intern: long hours, constant stress, having to deal with death. But worst of all is the simple fact that the average intern has to disimpact fifteen to twenty bowels a week.
He finally arrives at the room of his patient, the man from before, who waves at him enthusiastically. JD gives him a thumbs up in return, as he takes one last gulp of air before going in to do the task.
JD: That's why there's a sacred oath among interns never to make fun of each other for doing the things we have to do.
Elliot comes up next to him.
Elliot: Hee-hee. You have to touch someone's hiney!
Suddenly, Dr. Kelso comes up behind them both. Elliot tries to look invisible.
Dr. Kelso: Dorian, come with me. And Dr... uh...
Elliot: [through gritted teeth] Reid.
Dr. Kelso: Sure, why not. Take over for him.
Elliot looks crushed.
Kelso walks off, and J.D. leaves with him.
JD: [to Elliot, over his shoulder] Hee-hee!
Cut to:
Another Hallway
Dr. Kelso and J.D. are walking through.
Dr. Kelso: I'm assigning you to a very important board member whose family built this hospital with their bare hands.
J.D.'s Thoughts: That can't be true. I hate that expression.
Dr. Kelso: But for hypertrophic cardio-myopathy.
J.D.: What happened?
Dr. Kelso: Pre-syncope.
J.D.: So this board member almost fainted? I'll fire up the paddles.
Dr. Kelso: Ah! Dr. Wisenheimer's back; how was your ski trip?
J.D.: Sir, I'm confused.
Dr. Kelso: You annoy me.
J.D.: Oh, now I get it.
Dr. Kelso: But you have this nauseating charm everyone else around here seems to respond to. Use it, okay, sport?
J.D. rolls his eyes, and heads for the patient's room.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, great, an eighty-year-old, grouchy, pretentious---
He enters the doorway and sees the patient, Jordan Sullivan -- a young and very attractive woman.
J.D.'s Thoughts: ....Smokin', hot biddy!
*** Fantasy Sequence:
Jordan stands before J.D. -- bathed in a heavenly light, a magical wind blowing through her hair, as she shows off her beauty for him.
J.D.'s Thoughts: ....Who do you love the most....
She points to him seductively and mouths, "You."
*** End of Sequence. Dr. Kelso's voice snaps J.D. out of his reverie, but doesn't wipe the goofy grin from his face.
Dr. Kelso: [to Jordan] Ah, Sweetheart! Are you getting younger?
Jordan: Ugh.
Dr. Kelso: This is Dr. Dorian -- he'll be looking after you.
Jordan: And who will be looking after him?
J.D. swallows uncomfortably.
*** Fantasy Shot: Jordan bears her claws and teeth, and roars like an angry wildcat. The two men stand against the rush of wind.
She rolls her eyes and turns away from them.
Jordan: Ighck.
~*~
A Patient's Room
A middle-aged man lies in a bed, immobilized by a neck-brace, and a small metal plate attached to his mouth.
Elliot stands at his bedside, looking into a chart.
Elliot: Since your jaw is wired shut, we're going to give you IV nutrition for a couple days, okay?
She looks over at the man.
Elliot: Oh, sorry, you can't answer! [laughs] It's like going to the dentist; I hate when they ask you questions, and you have all that stuff in your mouth, don't you?
The man looks over at her.
Elliot: [laughs] Oh, my God, I did it again! [reading] Dr. Greenberg. "Dr."? What kind of doctor are you? [laughs] I keep doing it! Okay, okay, um... just--just act it out.
The man rolls his eyes, but reluctantly brings his finger to his temple.
Elliot: Head?
He holds two fingers out to her, and brings them closer together.
Elliot: Shrinking. Shrin--- You're a shrink!
Dr. Greenberg rolls his eyes again.
Elliot: Wow! I can't imagine picking psychiatry as a specialty after interning as a real doctor.
Dr. Greenberg furrows his brow and looks at Elliot angrily.
Elliot: That didn't come out right... It's just, my dad -- um, he's a doctor, too -- he says therapy is for people with more money than problems.
Almost impossibly, Dr. Greenberg looks at her even angrier.
Elliot fails to notice as she flops into the chair by his bed, lost in thought.
Elliot: But then... my dad says a lot of things....
A nurse pokes her head in the room.
Nurse: Did anyone page a nurse?
Elliot turns around to look at the nurse. Dr. Greenberg, meanwhile, starts nodding wildly at the nurse behind Elliot's back.
Elliot: No.
Nurse: It looks like his eyes are screaming.
Elliot: Please, we're talking?
The nurse leaves, and Elliot turns back around to Dr. Greenberg, with a put-upon expression on her face. She thinks a moment.
Elliot: Where was I?
~*~
Carla's Place -- Bedroom
Turk is lying in bed, as Carla rummages through her closet.
Carla: You should get dressed.
Turk: I can't, it's still out there.
Carla: Don't call my mother "it"; it implies you think that she's a monster! Now get a move on -- it usually gets up to feed about now.
She jokingly sticks out her tongue, and climbs onto the bed.
Turk: Baby, I don't understand why we couldn't stay at my place. I mean, I coulda done a whole show for you.
Carla: Ohhh! There's a show.
Turk: Yeah, there's a show. It involves music, some dancing, occasionally singing.
Carla: Can you do "Me and Mrs. Jones"?
Turk: I dunno.... What does she look like? [laughs]
Carla gives him a look and gets up off the bed.
Carla: Look, you wanted to spend the whole night together, and I can't leave my mother alone, she's frail.
Suddenly Carla's mother, not looking all that frail, bursts through the door, shaking her cane at Turk.
Carla's Mama: [screaming something in Spanish]
Turk flies up out of bed and hides behind Carla.
Turk: [to Carla] Baby, tell her to put the cane down.
Carla: Mama! [something in Spanish]
Carla's Mama: No!
Turk: Tell her to put the cane down!
Carla: [to Turk] She doesn't want me to have men here because I'm unmarried.
Turk: Well tell her I needed a place to crash; she doesn't have to know we had sex all night.
Carla: She speaks English!
Turk: Then what the hell are you translating for?
Carla: Because you don't speak Spanish!
Turk: Oh! [to Carla's mother] Hola!
Carla's Mama: [wailing] No! NO!
Turk ducks into the closet as Carla continues to try to reason with her mother.
Carla: Mommy!---
Carla's Mama: [more Spanish]
Turk: [briefly opening the closet door] Tell her to put the CANE DOWN!
~*~
Jordan's Room
Jordan is sitting up in her bed, peering into a hand mirror as she touches up her makeup. J.D. stands at her bedside.
J.D.: I have to be honest, Miss Sullivan; when Dr. Kelso said "board member", I was thinking of this, like, old, grumpy---
Jordan: That would be my father. He died.
J.D.: I'm so sorry.
Jordan: ...Twenty years ago.
J.D.: Oh. I woulda said sorry back then, but I had a little trouble with my S's.
He laughs, but she just looks at him blankly.
J.D.: ...I was five.... S's.... So... uh... how are you feeling?
Jordan: Great. That's why I'm here. Listen, R.J.---
J.D.: J.D.
Jordan: Like it matters. Look, you seem like a nice, spineless little boy, so let's be honest. I'm here because it was the only way to end my beast of a mother's nagging, pseudo-concern.
J.D.: How sweet.
Jordan: So, do your little tests; [he starts to approach her] but first, close the blinds, wash off whatever eighth-grade dance cologne you're wearing so we don't add nausea to my symptoms, and I'll need lemon wedges for my sparkling water -- which, for some reason, you have yet to get me.
J.D.: Okay, well let me just check out---
Jordan: [annoyed] Doing things I want first, your little tests later.
J.D.: [trying to smile] Nice to meet you.
He heads for the door.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I hate you.
~*~
Dr. Greenberg's Room
Elliot leans over his bed.
Elliot: Merry Christmas, Dr. Greenberg!
He looks up at her, startled.
Elliot: I mean, uh, happy Halloween. Ugh! I am so frazzled; I did not sleep at all. [rubs her head] In fact, I haven't really slept since I started here.
She drops his chart onto the bed and flops down into the chair. He turns -- as best he can -- to look at her.
Elliot: Just so much pressure, you know? I can't talk to anyone here 'cause it's so competitive. I used to be able to talk to my mom, but now, well... she listens but... she just never really seems to hear me, you know?
As she's talking, Dr. Greenberg -- with some difficulty -- reaches over to his bed-table for a pad and pen. He scribbles something and holds it up.
It reads: "How does that make you feel?"
Elliot looks at the pad and thinks.
Elliot: Lonely, depressed, overwhelmed. And sometimes I have no idea how I'm possibly gonna be able to make it through this.
Dr. Greenberg scribbles in the pad again, and holds it up with a concerned look on his face.
It reads: "PAIN PILL"
Elliot: Oh, no. I don't even like to take aspirin; I'd rather just---
He moans desperately and points to himself.
Elliot: Oh, you!
She jumps out of the chair.
~*~
The Hallway
Dr. Cox, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, is walking through. Dr. Kelso catches up with him.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, Dr. Cox, I've been thinking about your predicament, and I think I have a solution.
Dr. Cox exhales a large breath.
Dr. Kelso: [continuing] Cruise ships!
Dr. Cox: [not interested] Right.
Dr. Kelso: Think about it, everyone will call you "Doc", you'll visit exotic ports, heck, maybe you'll even get to meet Charo!
Dr. Cox stops to face him.
Just then, J.D. approaches the internal door they are standing near. He stops and peers through the small window at them.
Dr. Cox: Listen, you should go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bobby. Because if your evil genie actually does grant your wish, and I disappear, the only person you'll have left to contend with around here will be yourself. And when you really get to know that person -- oh, dear God -- you'll scream so loud that Satan will want to rip up the contract you signed at birth, just so he can get some sleep.
Dr. Kelso: Look at you with your stiff upper lip. I think I'm going to miss that the most.
He walks away singing "Row, row, row your boat," and waves over his shoulder.
Dr. Cox, annoyed, glances over at the door. J.D. pops out of view, then pops back. He tries to hide again, but knows he's been spotted. He looks at Dr. Cox through the glass.
Dr. Cox: What are you looking at?
J.D. looks back over his shoulder, but there's no way out of this one.
J.D.: Oh, no, I just... I-I like your shirt. Wh-what-what kind of shirt is that?
Dr. Cox: It's a white t-shirt.
J.D.: [snapping fingers] I knew it! Heh.
He turns from the window and runs away.
~*~
The Cafeteria -- The Buffet Line
Turk, Carla, and Elliot are collecting their meals.
Turk: [to Carla] I will never sleep at your place again.
Carla: It wasn't that bad!
Elliot: [to no in particular] I am in such a good mood!
Turk: Does your mother invite the priest over for breakfast every day?
Carla: Only when she finds me in bed with some guy.... So, yeah, most days.
She grins at him.
Turk: That's not funny, okay? That's not funny.
Elliot: I'm just in a much better place, you know? Do I look different?
Carla looks at Elliot.
J.D., with his tray, passes behind them on his way to a table.
J.D.: [to self] "What kind of shirt is that." I am-I am such an idiot!
Elliot: [calling after him] I'm in a better place!
Turk: [to Carla] What do you say? My apartment, tonight?
Carla: I'll think about it.
She moves on ahead of him.
Elliot: [to Turk] Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me?
Turk: [exasperated] 'In a better place', 'look different', 'feel good', 'kay? That's what usually happens when you see a shrink.
Their trays assembled, the two head for the tables.
Elliot: My patient happens to be a therapist, I'm not 'seeing a shrink.'
Turk: [placating her] Okay.
Elliot: [lowering voice] And I would appreciate it if you'd stop spreading around embarrassing rumors like that.
Turk: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm just goofing around. Besides, the last thing I want to do is upset a crazy lady.
He walks on ahead of her.
~*~
The Hospital Hall - Evening
JD is walking through, still grinding over his t-shirt question. He walks past an empty patient's room, inside of which is the Janitor who is sitting on a bed, playing with a stethoscope. J.D. walks back to the doorway to watch.
Janitor: [into the stethoscope] Is there anybody up there...up there...up there...up there....? I'm all alone down here...here...here...! It's cold. I'm frightened!
Somewhat disturbed, J.D. pointedly walks on.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Just keep moving.
He stops briefly to see the Janitor emerge from the room and walk off in the other direction.
J.D.'s Thoughts: ...Refocus; think about helping Dr. Cox.
He comes to Jordan's room. The door is ajar, and he sticks his head in. The room appears empty.
J.D.: Miss Sullivan? Oh, I'm--I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you were in the bathroom.
Jordan: [out of view] It's okay, come on in.
The toilet flushes, and J.D. reaches for the handle of the bathroom door. At the same moment, Jordan, fully dressed, emerges.
Jordan: I meant, come in the room, not in here. What's the matter with you? Are you even a real doctor?
She walks over to the bed and drops her toiletry kit into the open suitcase sitting on top of it.
J.D.: Look, I know that you're on the Board, and I have this friend -- well, he's not really a friend, he's more like a mentor....
She zips her suitcase shut.
Jordan: Losing interest!
J.D.: Sorry. He's a.... Wait, wait, wh-why are you dressed?
Jordan: Oh, I'm going to a party. I assume my tests are normal, or else you wouldn't be chatting me up.
She picks up her suitcase and faces him.
Jordan: But, gosh, Huckleberry, I sure hope we can go down to the river sometime and race frogs!
She pushes past him and heads for the door.
J.D.'s Thoughts: That's it!
J.D.: Listen, you spoiled, bossy, chore of a woman.
Jordan: I'm sorry, what'd you just say?
J.D.'s Thoughts: You're in now, go for it.
J.D.: I'm the doctor, here. So put your gown back on, get back in bed, and shut the hell up.
She sets down her suitcase and stares at him.
Jordan: No one talks to me that way!
J.D.: Well, get used to it...missy.
Continuing to stare a hole right through him, Jordan silently pulls open the buttons of her blouse.
J.D.: [uncomfortable] Uhm... I didn't mean to be such a hard-ass just now. You can totally wait until I'm gone to put your gown back on.
Still staring, and with her blouse now open, Jordan pushes the door shut.
Jordan: Take off your pants.
J.D.: Yes, ma'am.
He obediently unties the waist of his scrubs, and allows them to fall to his ankles. She looks at him critically, then smiles.
~*~
Turk and J.D.'s Apartment
Turk has Carla in his lap on the couch.
Turk: I know it's tough leaving your mother at home, but, uh, I'm really glad you're here.
Carla: [smiling] You are?
Turk: Yes, I am. And I promise...I'm gonna make it worth your while.
Carla: [laughing] Oh, baby, we've already slept together -- you should be careful about the build-up.
Turk: Oh... th-that necessary?
Carla: Y-y-Yeah.
Turk: Okay, look, I got something for you.
Carla: [smiling] Oh, yeah?
Turk: Yeah. You wanna hear it?
Carla: Uh-huh.
He grabs her foot as a microphone and starts to sing.
Turk: [singing] "Me and Mrs.... Mrs. Jones."
Carla clutches her heart and looks at him adoringly.
He turns to her.
Carla: You learned that for me?
Turk: Mm-hmm.
Carla: More.
He continues to serenade her with the song, and she gasps and squeals with delight before kissing him deeply.
J.D.'s Narration: The beginning of any relationship is really about three things: Control...
Cut to:
Jordan's Room
J.D., his pants still around his ankles, flops onto her bed.
J.D.: Oh, God.
Jordan joins him on the bed, and starts kissing him.
J.D.'s Narration: ...Dependence...
Cut to:
Dr. Greenberg's Room
Elliot sits impatiently next to the man's empty bed.
The Nurse sticks her head in the door.
Nurse: He was released a couple-a hours ago.
J.D.'s Narration: ...And timing.
Cut Back To:
Turk and J.D.'s Apartment
Carla is lying on the couch next to Turk, who is on the phone.
Turk: [turning away from the receiver] Your mother broke her leg.
Carla looks up at him, worried.
J.D.'s Narration: Other than that, there aren't really a whole lot of surprises.
Cut To:
The Hallway Outside Jordan's Room
Jordan and J.D. emerge from the darkened room.
Dr. Cox comes up to them.
J.D.: [tying up his scrub bottoms] Oh, Dr. Cox, have you met---
Dr. Cox: [facing Jordan] You don't have to introduce me to my ex-wife.
The smile vanishes from J.D.'s face.
*** Fantasy Sequence: J.D. turns back towards the room, and flips on the light.
"SURPRISE!"
The revelation is celebrated by many hospital staff members -- Elliot, Carla, and Turk among them -- with party hats, confetti, and noisemakers, and several signs proclaiming "DUH!" "Nice Move, Dummy" and "You're an Idiot!"
The Janitor steps out from behind the door.
Janitor: You putz.
~*~
COMMERCIAL
~*~
Re-open: Hospital Hallway Outside Jordan's Room
The scene resumes as J.D., with an utterly horrified look on his face, stands between Dr. Cox and Jordan, who are staring each other down.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, no.
He looks to Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Hello, Jordan.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, no, no.
He looks to Jordan.
Jordan: Perry.
Back to Dr. Cox.
J.D.: "Perry"?
Dr. Cox: You never heard that.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I never heard that, I'm not here, and I don't have your ex-wife's bite mark on my neck.
He clasps his hand over his neck.
Dr. Cox puts his hand over J.D.'s eyes.
Dr. Cox: Don't look her in the eyes, newbie; [covers his own eyes] she'll steal your soul. [to Jordan] So, how are things going down in the underworld?
J.D. peeks at Jordan over Dr. Cox's hand.
Jordan: Good. And you? Still have a rollicking social life?
Dr. Cox drops his hands.
Dr. Cox: Since I cut you loose, it's been one big party!
Jordan: In the next five seconds, name someplace other than the hospital or your apartment you've been in the last month.
Dr. Cox rolls his eyes.
Jordan: Five...Four...Three...Two....
J.D. looks at him, willing him to come up with something.
Dr. Cox: My car! On the way to the...big party.
A buzzer sounds. J.D. drops his head, disappointed.
Jordan: Ooh. That must have hurt.
She tsks and walks off. Dr. Cox turns to watch her walks away. He doesn't look happy.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh my God. I gotta get out of here. Anger like this has a way of being passed on to whoever's closest.
As he departs, Carla comes rushing up.
Carla: Dr. Cox, I know you're suspended, but you're the only one that my mother trusts.
Dr. Cox: Not. Now!
A thunder crash signals the mood.
Looking pissed, Carla turns away.
Cut to:
The Nurses' Station
Turk is reading a chart, Carla storms up to him.
Carla: This is all your fault!
She hits him on her way past.
Cut To:
The Doctors' Lounge
Turk storms in. Elliot turns to him from inside the locker area.
Elliot: Hey--hey, Turk, can I talk to y---
Turk: No, you can't; that's why they're called your problems!
With a huff, Elliot slams her locker shut and storms out.
Cut to:
The Hall
Elliot walks past a trash can, next to which the Janitor is mopping the floor.
She tosses her cup of coffee at the can, but misses.
Elliot: [sarcastic] Sorry!
The Janitor angrily mops up the mess. Behind him, the elevator door opens, and J.D. emerges. The Janitor socks him in the crotch with the wet mop head.
Janitor: Happy Halloween.
J.D.: Ugh!
Upset, he continues down the hall.
Janitor: [calling after him] Maybe that'll teach you not to spy on people during their alone time!
J.D. continues through toward...
The Admissions Area
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, when dealing with a crisis, everyone knows that you go right to the source.
He spots Jordan walking towards the front doors.
J.D.'s Thoughts: God, the source is pretty.
He runs to catch up with her.
J.D.: Miss Sullivan? Excuse me, Miss Sullivan.
Jordan: Honey, I think we're way past "Miss Sullivan".
J.D.: Okay... 'Jordan' [laughs]
She looks at him.
J.D.: Uh... I just don't think we should see each other again.
Jordan: [sad] The story of my life. Anytime I let my guard down just a little, I get hurt.
J.D.: I am so sorry.
Jordan: You know how long it's been since I connected with someone? You know, it's not fair that just because of him I don't get to spend time--- [she begins laughing] Boy, it's hard to keep that going! See ya, D.J., I got a date.
She walks out the door, laughing.
Jordan: [to self] ..."See each other again"... [giggles]
J.D. watches after her, somewhat bewildered and embarrassed.
J.D.: She's gonna be okay.
~*~
The Hall
Elliot is on the pay phone.
Elliot: [into phone] I don't know, mom. I'm just feeling lost, you know? Everyone here is so busy, and... I guess I'm just kind of lonely. ... [listens] ... M-mom, could you--could you just try to hear what I'm saying? Just this once? ... [listens] ... No, I don't have short hair. ... Yes, I know, short hair gives me pig face. ... Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Nearby, Turk has been listening.
~*~
The X-Ray Lab
Dr. Cox is looking over a film. J.D. runs into the room.
J.D.: Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: Okay, Linus, you're way too excited; I want you to get your blankie, go in a corner, and take a time-out. [referencing the x-ray] Non-displaced femoral fracture... Carla's mom's gonna be fine.
He puts the film down and turns to J.D.
Dr. Cox: Okay, what?
J.D.: Your ex-wife. She's the answer.
Dr. Cox: Uhhh.... Things that ruined my life. Things that took half my money. Things with sharp edges!
J.D.: Come on, she's on the board! Deep down, I'm sure she's a reasonable person.... Not that I know her that well, or at all, or have ever been alone with her.... But I'm sure if you just---
Dr. Cox: No!
J.D.: ...Ask?
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and do this just as slowly as possible so you don't misunderstand: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooo.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I wonder if he wants me to ask her?
J.D.: Fine. I'll ask her.
*** Fantasy Sequence: Dr. Cox breaths a massive amount of fire on J.D., thoroughly charring him, and exits the room.
J.D.'s Thoughts: That's a "no".
He blows out a small flame still burning on his shoulder.
*** End of Sequence.
~*~
Carla's Mother's Hospital Room - Day
While Carla is tending to her mother, Dr. Cox sits in the chair next to the woman's bed, altering J.D.'s signature on her cast with the addition of "is a loser".
Dr. Cox: [tapping the cast] That's always funny!
Carla: I can't believe she's sleeping.
Dr. Cox: I had the intern give her two Valium.
Carla: [concerned] Why, was she in a lot of pain?
Dr. Cox: No; she just wouldn't shut up.
Carla: [laughing] I'm sorry!
Dr. Cox: Listen, I notice your little boyfriend's name's not on the cast.
Carla: Are you kidding? Making me leave her alone like that?
Dr. Cox: Do you understand that she would have gotten hurt whether you were there or not?
Carla: Nuh-uh.
Dr. Cox: She fell in the shower. So, unless you two have an extremely disturbing relationship, I'm afraid you're full of crap.
Carla: I'm full of crap!? If you don't care about being suspended, why are you here?
He narrows his eyes at her.
Carla: You may scare everybody else with those crazy eyes, but you don't scare me.
Dr. Cox: You use your mom as an excuse to not take chances.
Carla: You're never happy unless you're here.
Dr. Cox: Admit you're afraid to live your own life!
Carla: Admit that losing this place would kill you!
Dr. Cox: We done?
Carla: It's all I got.
Dr. Cox gets up to leave. Thinking, he turns back around.
Dr. Cox: Crazy eyes?
She shrugs.
Dr. Cox: Low blow!
~*~
The Hallway
J.D. is walking through.
J.D.'s Thoughts: There are other ways to save Dr. Cox's job.
Up ahead, he sees Dr. Kelso conferring with someone, and walks towards him.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I could try talking to Dr. Kelso.
*** Fantasy Shot: Dr. Kelso turns to J.D. and laughs in his face.
With a second thought, J.D. spins around and heads back in the other direction.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Dr. Cox could get extensive plastic surgery to look like Jimmie Walker.
He pokes his head into a Semi-Private Patient's Room
***Fantasy Sequence: Dr. Cox -- played by Jimmie Walker -- is standing at a patient's bed, going over a chart. He turns to J.D.
"Dr. Cox": [as Jimmie Walker] This guy's gonna need 30 MAQs of KCL.
*** End of Sequence. J.D. turns back to the hall. He looks over at Dr. Kelso and the person he's conferring with.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Or, I could just ask Jimmie Walker to talk to Dr. Kelso.
*** Fantasy Sequence: J.D. watches how that conversation might go.
Jimmie Walker: [to Dr. Kelso] Your man Cox is the best. I know he's got an unorthodox way of doing things, but all the innovators do!
J.D. nods agreeably.
Jimmie Walker: Now, everybody deserves a second chance; am I right?
Dr. Dr. Kelso looks at him hard.
Dr. Kelso: Who are you?
*** End of Sequence, J.D. continues thinking.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Or I could get back to the problem at hand.
Nearby, an elevator arrives, and Jordan steps out.
J.D.: Jordan!
He rushes to catch up with her and they walk down the hall.
J.D.: Look, I know you're on your way to the board meeting, and I know you don't really like me, but---
Jordan: I don't dislike you -- I nothing you.
J.D.: Oh, thanks, that's--that's special. Look, I have to ask you a favor, but you have to know this is not why we slept together.
Jordan: Yeah, you had nothing to do with why we slept together.
J.D.: [laughs] I think we both know that's not completely true.
Jordan: Oh, please. Even though you're terrified the Good Dr. Cox'll find out, if I wanted you to go to his apartment right now and have sex with me in front of him, you would.
J.D.: Please don't do that.
Jordan: You know, you remind me of him when he was younger.
He stops her.
J.D.: Then, Jordan, look into your heart and see if you can dig up some sympathy for someone who means a whole lot to me; and probably means a little to you, too.
She looks at him. His words seem to get through.
J.D.: So will you help him?
Jordan: Oh, sweetie.... No.
She walks off.
~*~
The Doctors' Lounge
Elliot walks in to be greeted by Turk, who is leaning over the back of the couch.
Turk: You know, I went to therapy once.
Elliot: You did?
Turk: Yeah. Once, though, like, back in '93 to '94; and then three months in '95; and then I went to Group which was a disaster. Okay, when I went away to college, it was my first time away from home. And so, things started piling up, and I felt like I was sinking, you know?
Elliot: Yeah, I do.
Really connecting with him, Elliot takes a seat.
Turk: [continuing] No matter how embarrassing you think it might be, it's always helpful to talk to someone neutral. For example, take a look at me: I am now -- thanks to therapy -- in a healthy relationship with a beautiful woman who won't sleep over at my house because she thinks I broke her mother's leg.
Carla emerges from the locker area.
Turk: Hey! Baby!
He leaps over the back of the couch to approach her.
Turk: [laughing to cover] How long you been back there for? Y-y-you were there for a second, huh? Because, you know, I wasn't talking about us, I was---
Carla: Turk. My mother's spending the night here, so I will be spending the night with you; only we have to leave right now.
He nods, and watches her walk out the door. He looks at Elliot.
Elliot: [without question] Go!
Turk playfully sings "Me and Mrs. Jones" as he leaves to catch up with Carla.
~*~
Outside The Board Room
J.D. stands against a wall, nervously waiting awaiting Dr. Cox's fate.
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes, no matter how badly you want to keep something from happening, there's nothing you can do to stop it. And, right now, the board of directors of Sacred Heart is behind that door, sipping bubbly water and killing the career of Dr. Cox.
The door opens. Dr. Cox emerges, pumping a fist.
Dr. Cox: YES! I am bullet-proof!
J.D.'s Thoughts: He's taking it well.
The rest of the board members exit the room behind him. The Lawyer being one of them. He goes up to Dr. Cox.
Lawyer: So, uh, no hard feelings, right, amigo?
Dr. Cox doesn't comply with the sudden chumminess.
Dr. Cox: Careful....
Lawyer: Catch you on the flip-side!
Dr. Kelso and Jordan emerge from the room together.
Dr. Kelso: [to Jordan] I really think you're making a big mistake.
She yawns.
Dr. Kelso: You see, the most destructive thing about Dr.---
Jordan: Yawn! You see, I saw "yawn," because when I actually yawn, you don't get it.
He smiles at her, and she walks away.
Dr. Kelso: [under his breath] See you in hell.
J.D. watches as Jordan walks over to Dr. Cox and speaks with him.
J.D.'s Narration: I don't know why she did it; maybe I got to her, maybe she knows how much the hospital needs him, maybe, somewhere, she remembers why she cared about him in the first place.
Jordan: [to Dr. Cox] I did it 'cause the thought of you rotting here in this fluorescent tomb is more fun than tipping the valet with your alimony check.
Dr. Cox: Oh, listen here, pumpkin, if you're honestly having this much trouble getting over me, just go ahead and give me a call and I'll toss you a sympathy throw-down anytime.
J.D.'s Narration: Whatever the reason, it made me realize that every ending leads to new complications....
Finished with their conversation, Jordan turns from Perry. She blows J.D. a quick kiss and a wink before turning to leave. Suspicious, Dr. Cox looks over, and J.D. ducks behind the corner.
Cut To:
Turk and J.D.'s Apartment - Night
Carla lies on the couch with Turk, her eyes closed as she rests her head in his lap. Spanish programming plays softly on the TV.
J.D.'s Narration: ...New problems to be dealt with.
Turk gently takes the remote from Carla and switches the channel.
Carla: [not waking] I'm watching that.
Turk reluctantly switches the channel back.
Cut To:
Dr. Greenberg's Office
Elliot gives the doctor an emotional hug before leaving.
J.D.'s Narration: ...New issues.
Elliot: Thanks, Dr. Greenberg.
She blows her nose as she exits the room.
Elliot: See you next week.
~*~
The Hospital Exterior - Night
Cut to: Interior - The Doctors' Lounge
Dr. Cox sits alone, looking through some old photos of Jordan.
Frances Dunnery's "Good Life" plays as Dr. Cox thinks back to their marriage. There are flashbacks of old home movies of the happy couple -- playing football in the yard, and their wedding.
The sequence ends as J.D. enters the room.
Dr. Cox: She was never boring.
J.D.: What happened?
Dr. Cox: Eh, you marry somebody just like your mother, and then you remember you hate your mother.
J.D. smiles.
Dr. Cox: You asked her for help, didn't you.
J.D.: Look, I don't think you realize how important you are to some people around here.
J.D.'s Narration: I'll always remember that moment as the first "thank you" I got from Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Well, geez, Agnes, does the field hockey team know that you're missing?
J.D.'s Narration: It felt good.
Dr. Cox: Although, it did take some stones to be honest.
J.D.: Stick with the truth, and you can't get hurt; it's just always been my philosophy.
He turns to leave. Dr. Cox softly whistles after him. J.D. turns back.
Dr. Cox: You didn't sleep with her, did you?
J.D.: God, no!
He leaves, and the screen goes black.
J.D.'s Narration: Philosophy is tricky.
END
