Hospital, exterior -- The Bench Across the Street/Lot
J.D.: Hey. What are you doin'?
Turk: Reading a book. About how to tell my room-mate he drives me crazy sometimes without hurting his feelings.
J.D.: I think sarcasm works better when it's shorter.
Turk: Fascinating.
J.D.: Yeah, see, there ya go.
J.D.: So, what are you doin'?
Turk: You realize you're annoying me?
J.D.: Yeah; I'm okay with it.
Turk: J.D., I've had such a crappy morning in this hell-hole that I decided to come out here and eat my lunch. This spot feels secluded -- I mean, it's so peaceful. I feel like I'm getting my spirit back.
J.D.: It's just a bench.
Turk: Sit down, sweet thing. Sit down.
J.D. does so.
***Fantasy Sequence: Relaxing muzak plays as Turk and J.D. enjoy the bench...and the beautiful sunset over the ocean (Is this a parody of 'Beaches'?).
***
J.D.: Nice. You know, I've already eaten, but I suppose I could---
Turk: Okay, what's it gonna take for you to leave this second?
J.D.: Your cupcake.
Turk gives it to him.
J.D. laughs triumphantly.
J.D.: This is how I get _my_ spirit back.
He jams the cupcake into his mouth.
J.D.: [mouth full] Mmm-mmm! ...I feel _alive_ again! [sings] I feel alive again! Alive again! I feel alive....!
Cut to...
Hospital Interior -- Admissions
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay. You know what? It's time to change this pattern.
J.D.: Morning.
Janitor: How do you figure?
J.D.: Just doing a little drilling, huh?
Janitor: Yeah.
J.D.: Look, I have an idea: Let's try and go the whole day without getting in each other's hair; you know, just...give each other a break...? What do you say?
Janitor: I'm gonna give you a nickname.
J.D.: That--that's good, but you know, I already--I have a nickname; it's...it's "J.D."
Janitor: How 'bout, uh...Whiny Face.... Whiny Britches! Whiny...something -- I definitely like "whiny."
J.D. walks away.
Janitor: Uh, Whiny Dancer!
~*~
OPENING THEME
COMMERCIAL
~*~
ICU -- A Patient's Bedside
J.D.: Ohhh, I can't believe I went out last night.
Carla: I thought you said you were exhausted?
J.D.: I was, but I figured I owed it to the ladies!
Carla: Do you ever stop giving?
J.D. laughs good-humoredly.
J.D.'s Narration: It's hard for doctors and nurses to be long-term friends....
Carla: His O-2 set's dropping; I think he just needs respiratory treatment.
J.D.'s Narration: You see, when you start out, the nurses know more than you. But after a few months, the training kicks in and you both feel the dynamic shift.
J.D.: Uhhhh...actually, Carla, I think, because of the congestive heart failure, he just needs Lassix.
J.D.'s Narration: The future of the relationship depends on how she handles that very moment.
Carla: I'm so proud of you, Bambi.
Carla: They grow up so fast!
~*~
Hall
Elliot: Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: [groaning] And there you are!
Elliot: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: I was just now wondering if there's anything that could actually push my headache into a full-blown migraine, and...there you are.
Dr. Cox: What's the story on the admit in 64?
Elliot: Oh, she's great! I really like her!---
Dr. Cox: Yeah, let's see if you can't focus on things that I actually give a rat's ass about.
She derisively mimics his tone under her breath.
Dr. Cox: What?
Elliot: She blacked out at work and presented with accelerated heartbeat and hyperventilating.
Dr. Cox: Interesting.
Cut to...
Patient's Room
The patient, Jill Tracey, is sitting up in her bed, talking on her cell phone.
Jill: [into phone] I don't care if it wasn't 'good first-date conversation' -- Michael deserved to know what I think about circumcising babies. I mean, over my dead body! What? ... Actually, no...no, it wasn't, which is surprising because he's Jewish.
Elliot: I gave her two Valium.
Jill: [into phone] Okay, I'm e-mailing you as we're talking -- HOW COOL IS THAT!!
Dr. Cox: So, she's actually sedated as we speak?
Elliot: Mm-hmm!
Jill: [into phone] Okay, bye.
She hangs up.
Jill: Hey, Elliot! Okay, first impression: Did I scare Michael off?
Elliot: No!
Dr. Cox: No.... Not if he enjoys a big, fat cup-a crazy!
He laughs and she giggles politely.
Dr. Cox: Miss Tracey, we're all extremely busy, so if we could get down to business, that would be---
Elliot: [giggling excitedly] Oh, my God! I have the exact same e-mailing--pagey thingie!
Jill: [giggling also] Oh, get out!
They giggle together as they look at the e-mailing--pagey thingie.
Dr. Cox: [mimicking the glee] Ahahaha! Oh!
Fed up, he leaves.
Jill: Oh, my God. My "H" sticks a little bit; does your "H" stick?
Elliot: It does, it does, it does!
They continue chattering about the thingie.
~*~
Doctors Lounge
Turk: Baby, it may just be a bench, but you know what? It's quiet, and I can chill. It's like my special place.
Carla: You are so damn cute, I can't even _stand_ it!
Turk: Serious?
Carla: Yeah. I love it that my man's all deep and whatnot.
Turk: You know, I get deep.
Carla: I know.
J.D. enters.
J.D.: Hey-hey-hey -- what's happenin', Rerun.
Turk: What up, Rog!
They do a little dance:
J.D.: Okay, how 'bout a little of this.
Carla: Oh, come on, it wasn't even that good a show.
J.D.: Take it back.
Turk: This second.
Turk: Ooh, look at the time! Gotta go -- it's lunch-time! See you, Baby!
J.D.: [to Carla] Are we still on for that, uh, Bresson exhibit?
Carla: Yes, we are.
Turk: Oh, I'm sorry, uh...did somebody just ask out my girlfriend?
J.D.: You wanna come?
Carla: Oh: Black and white photography; very artsy-fartsy; no boobies.
Turk: Hell, no.
Carla giggles at him.
Cut to...
The Bench
Turk: Hello, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Nice spot.
Turk: Yes, sir...it is.
Dr. Kelso: I usually try to get out here for lunch every day at 12:30.
Turk: You don't say....
Dr. Kelso: Yep. Every day. 12:30. For twenty-three years.
~*~
Nurses' Station
Janitor: Hey, from now on, your name is "Scooter."
J.D.: I don't get it.
Janitor: It's short for "Scooter Pie."
J.D. looks at him blankly.
Janitor: I hate Scooter Pies.
J.D.: Oh. Now I see.
J.D.'s Thoughts: You big jerk.
Carla: Hey, thanks again for the invite, Bambi; I love photography.
J.D.: Baby, photography is for studs.
He licks the tips of his index and pinkie fingers and smoothes his eyebrows which he's cocked into a "studly" expression.
She laughs at him as she exits the area.
J.D.'s Narration: After working at a hospital for a while, you develop a sixth sense for danger.
J.D.'s Narration: Maybe there's a mass cas. alert...maybe there's a code....
Dr. Cox storms in.
J.D.'s Narration: ...Maybe someone spent the morning with the most annoying patient in the world and needs to vent.
J.D.'s Narration: Luckily, I was prepared.
Dr. Cox: Did you do your pre-rounds?
J.D.: Yes.
Dr. Cox: Discharge summaries?
J.D.: Yes.
Dr. Cox: Pharmacy renewals?
J.D.: Yes!
Dr. Cox: Sup(?) notes?
J.D.: Yes.
Dr. Cox: Central line changes.
J.D.: Yes.
Dr. Cox: Okay, Janet. But...did you go ahead and fix your beeper so it doesn't play that annoying song every single time you get paged?
J.D.: [hesitant] ...Yes.
At that moment, the beeper goes off.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Crap.
Dr. Cox grins malevolently.
Fantasy Sequence: Dr. Cox is a boxer, and J.D. is his punching bag.
The bell sounds.
Dr. Cox: [punching hard on every syllable] I expect you to act like a professional around here!
J.D.: [screaming in pain] Is that all you got!?!
With a grunt, Cox lands another hard punch.
J.D.: [in pain] Good one!
Dr. Cox whoops and raises his gloves in celebration.
***
~*~
The Bench
Dr. Kelso: Interesting tidbit: Back during the gold rush, when a man staked a claim, if he came upon another man panning his spot...why, he could shoot that fella dead without even asking any questions.
Turk: You don't say.
Dr. Kelso: [sighs] Simpler times.
~*~
Jill's Room
Jill: Okay, what if you've had three great dates and he likes you so much, he hasn't even tried to have sex with you yet?
Elliot: Ooh. [thinks] I could sabotage that relationship in two phone calls.
Jill: I could do it in one.
Elliot: Jill, Sabotage That Relationship!
Jill: For starters, I would ask him why he finds me so repulsive, then I would coerce him into having phone sex with me, after which I would ask him if he thinks we have a future together...and then I'd probably just cry until he hung up on me.
Elliot: [laughing] We are _so_ alike!
Jill: [laughing] I know!
Dr. Cox enter.
Dr. Cox: [mocking them] Oh, stop! No, you stop! [laughs painfully] Oh, dear God.
Dr. Cox: Miss Tracey, we're gonna go ahead---
Jill: Can you just give me one sec -- I'm on The Zone, I'm trying to arrange to have the food delivered here.
Elliot: Mm.
Jill: Fatty had a party and nobody came!
Elliot: Preachin' to the choir.
Dr. Cox whistles to get their attention.
Dr. Cox: Okay. Think of what little patience I have as...oh, I don't know...your virginity: You always thought it would be there, until that night junior year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin -- who _just_ wanted to be friends -- well, he dropped by, and he brought a copy of 'About Last Night' and a four-pack of Bartles and James and -- [makes a home run batting motion] ba-dow! hoo-hoo-hoo! -- it was gone forever! ...Just like my patience is now.
Jill: So you do scary little speeches.... How adorable!
Elliot: [giggling] This is so much fun!
Dr. Cox: Careful, Rapunzel.
Elliot: Oh!
Dr. Cox: Fun time is officially over.
Carla walks in.
Carla: You think you can just treat Bambi like that and walk away?
Jill: Get him, girlfriend!
~*~
Cafeteria
Todd: What up, T-Dog!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, the only way to avoid the high-five with Todd is not to say anything that he can connect to sex.
Todd: How you doin'?
J.D. makes a side-to-side "so-so" motion with his hand.
Todd: Dude; that's totally how my car was rockin' when I took this girl out last night.
He makes the same gesture but adds a squeaking sound effect.
He pauses.
And adds another squeak for good measure.
Todd: Am I right?
He throws his hand up.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Ahh, he earned it.
J.D. holds his hand out.
*whack*
J.D.: Pain.
Turk: So Cox tore into you, huh?
J.D.: Yeah; you know what really pisses me off? Is that no one ever calls him on anything, you know?
Cut to...
Jill's Room
Carla: You wanna kick and scream while you're teaching people here, that's fine. But if you _ever_ yell at my friend again over _nothing_, then I will personally wipe that scary smile off your face, put it in my purse, and keep it there until no one around here is any more scared of you than I am.
Cut back to Cafeteria.
J.D.: It's not fair. Wait, why are you eating in here?
Todd: [taunting] T-Man's afraid of Kelso.
Turk: I'm not afraid of Kelso! I just felt like eating in here.
J.D.: Go outside and stand up for yourself!
Turk: Hell, yeah!
He grabs his sack and leaves the table.
Todd: Dude. You know what else stands up for itself?
J.D.: You know, Todd, I'm not sure, but I'm--I'm gonna guess that it's your penis.
Todd: It is!
He throws his hand up.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, no.
*whack*
~*~
Nurses' Station
Dr. Cox: Everyone, we can all relax now -- the planets have been realigned and order shall be returned to the people.
Dr. Cox: Hey. You.
Elliot: Just give me two seconds, I've just gotta finish e-mailing Jill.
He grabs her little e-mailing--pagey thingie.
Dr. Cox: I have, right here, your little friend's test results. Shall we have some fun and take a look?
He opens the chart in front of her.
Dr. Cox: Hmm. Interesting. EKG -- negative. Tilt-table -- negative. Echo -- negative. Nyet, nada, zilch -- nothing, in fact, is wrong with her but a little stress and exhaustion brought on most likely by -- ohh, let it come -- being her!
Elliot: Yeah, but if---
Dr. Cox: No-no, no-no, no-no, no-no, no-no, no-no, no, NO! There's no time for 'yeah...but's. I want her punted outta here in the next five minutes or you will personally be responsible for covering every missed shift during this year's flu season. Now go. Now go. Now go.
J.D. passes through.
Cox whistles at him.
Dr. Cox: Hey, you.
J.D. stops.
Dr. Cox: For what it's worth, I don't care if your beeper plays [bops and sings vaguely] "Who let the dogs out -- woof, woof" as many times as ya like.
J.D.: Actually, sir, it's "who, who", but thank you! That--that's great.
Dr. Cox: Sure. Oh, and Ginger, by the way, just a real smooth move running to your mommy.
J.D.: 'Scuse me?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, your mommy ca-rushed me. She did. [addressing the staffers] Uh, I'd like to issue a warning to everybody -- and I'm dead serious -- FYI: J.D.'s mommy has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want her daughter picked on anymore. Nothing mean! She's a precious flower, and we should all be super-nice to her!
~*~
The Bench
Turk's pager goes off.
Cut to: Hospital Interior -- An Empty Room
Turk: I was paged! Hello? Anyone?
He looks out the window. Dr. Kelso is enjoying the bench.
Turk: Oh, hell no!
~*~
Jill's Room.
Jill and Elliot are laughing.
Jill: When I get out of here, we should totally hang!
Elliot: I'd love to! I should warn you, though, I work a ton, and when I'm off I usually stay at home to catch up on paperwork or read medical journals just to stay ahead of the curve. Oh, I'm a nerd.
Jill: [laughs] Man, I wish I could stay home and read sometimes, you know? But, my job, it's like, Mm! you know? And with the "Married by the Millennium" thing still hanging over my head, I go on, like, a thousand blind dates. And then there's all my friends who, like, always need something. And there's me, who's, like, never wants to let anyone down, you know, ever! You know, with so many balls in there air, sometimes it gets, uh, it gets a little overwhelming! [laughs] As soon as I leave here, I know I'm going right back to that mess. Oh, my God, I'm practically crying. [laughs at herself] How pathetic is that!
J.D.'s Narration: Around here you have to make big choices every day.
Elliot: Well, actually, I--I came down here to tell you that, uh, we're gonna keep you here for the weekend just to get some rest.
J.D.'s Narration: To tell you the truth, most of these choices actually have nothing to do with medicine.
Cut to...
The Empty Room
Turk: It's so on.
J.D.'s Narration: In those cases, you have to make sure that your emotions don't get the best of you.
Cut to...
ICU
*** Fantasy Shot: Dr. Cox's speech is replaying on the patient's heart monitor.
Dr. Cox: [in time to the heart beat] Mommy...Mommy...Mommy...Mommy.
Carla: Give me that, Bambi! That's not a toy!
J.D.: Look, my name is not Bambi! Okay!? It's Dr. Dorian. And I don't--I don't really need to be looked after, okay?! So loo--how about I'll be the doctor, and you just...you be the nurse!
Carla: Yes, Doctor.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Good choice.
~*~
COMMERCIAL
~*~
Re-open: ICU
Carla: I ha--I have to go check on something.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, you gotta fix this before word gets around.
J.D.: Look, Carla, wait.
Cut to...?
Turk: What did you do!?!
Cut to...?
Dr. Cox: What did you do!
Cut to...?
Elliot: What did you do?
J.D.: She called me "Bambi" in front of everyone. My name is not Bambi!
Janitor: It's Scooter!
J.D.: Ugh!
He walks away.
Janitor:: [to self] It's short for Scooter Pie.
Cut to...
Doctors' Lounge
Turk: Baby, J.D. is my best friend, but, listen, if you need me to kick his ass, I will kick his ass! 'Cause I care for you.
Carla: And 'cause I'm willing to sleep with you.
Turk: Hell, yeah.
They laugh.
Carla: Well, sweetie, you know if I wanted his ass kicked, I'd do it myself.
Todd: Meow!
Carla: Todd, if you ever make that horny cat noise at me again, I will reach into your mouth and unscrew that 7-watt bulb that barely keeps your brain open for business.
Turk: [impressed] Damn!
Todd: Dude, chick threats are hot.
Turk: What did I tell you about annoying Carla? If she makes me choose between the two of you, you know how it's gonna end up.
Todd: Yes, I do. And I thank you for that.
~*~
Hall
Dr. Cox: [singing to himself] "...Alouette; Alouette---" Oh, could you be any cuter with the new hair-color? Holy cow!
He passes Jill's Room...and comes back.
Dr. Cox: Please, no. No!
Jill: Good morning, sunshine!
Dr. Cox: Could you possibly excuse me for just one second?
He shakes his head wildly to clear the hallucination.
Dr. Cox: Oh, dear God, you're still here!!! Who, exactly, is doing this to me?
~*~
Cafeteria
J.D.'s Narration: There's nothing worse than knowing you've wronged a friend and having to just lay it all out there and apologize.
J.D.: Look, Carla---
Carla: It's okay. You over-reacted.
J.D.: Yeah, but---
Carla: I should have realized you can stand up for yourself.
J.D.: Well, actually, I---
Carla: Sweetie, I know you would take it back if you could; I do! We're okay, right?
J.D.: I think I've said all I can.
Carla: Then I'll see you tonight for the exhibit.
~*~
Jill's Room
Elliot: Why'd you have me paged?
Jill: To ask you to forgive me.
Elliot: For what?
Dr. Cox: Hello, sad clown. Thanks for paging her.
Elliot: How could you?
Jill: He--he called me "Cutie" and then he said something about my eyes...being as blue as the ocean--- I...I got confused.
Elliot: Yeah, it probably woulda worked on me, too.
Dr. Cox: You're damn right it would've. Come.
They leave.
Jill: Hey -- is he single? Hello?
~*~
The Bench
Dr. Kelso: Look at you, all proud! Now, don't tell me you've already managed to eat?
Turk: And I took my sweet time, too.
***Flashback: Moments before.
The scene moves in fast motion as Turk devours his sandwich at top speed, keeping his eyes peeled for any sign of threat.
***
Dr. Kelso: Consider that your last supper; I'm bored with the games.
Turk: Are...you forbidding me to sit here?
Dr. Kelso: This is a public bench; you are as welcome here as I am. But you won't come back again, you know why? Because you just don't have the mettle. Now get the hell out of here so I can eat my wife's egg salad sandwich before the tomato soaks through the bread!
Turk flees.
Dr. Kelso: [sighs deeply] Beautiful day!
~*~
A Bus
J.D.: So, did you, uh--did you get into photography when you were in college, or...?
Carla: No; actually, I never went to college.
J.D.: Ah. Don't tell any of my patients, but neither did I.
He laughs awkwardly.
Carla: What, is that supposed to make me feel better or something?
J.D.: What? No, no, that's just--it's just a joke. I'm doing the whole, like, [sings] "Turn that frown upside-down...."
Carla: Yeah, you know what? [to the driver] Hold it! [to J.D.] I don't think we're okay.
J.D.: Wait! You just accepted my apology. You can't take it back!
Carla: Have you _ever_ spent time with a woman?!
~*~
Doctors' Lounge
Elliot: Is my punishment still coming, or is it just the horrible staring? Because the anticipation is killing me.
Dr. Cox: Make your case.
Elliot: Uh, I'm sorry, what?
Dr. Cox: Well, you tell me why Chorey McCrazy Chore should get to stay here two more nights.
Elliot: Okay.... You don't understand how hard it is for some women to make it on their own nowadays. I mean, Jill is _so_ exhausted, and it's not gonna get any easier because she's her own worst enemy, you know? I mean, she's constantly trying to please everyone! She judges herself harsher than anyone does.
Dr. Cox: Have you actually seen what _you_ look like today?
Elliot: I know: I'm a skank! And she never says no to anyone, so---
Dr. Cox: Could you swing by my apartment after work, pick up a sample of my dog's stool, then take it to the vet for me?
Elliot: I can do it at lunch.
There's a "ding" as the lightbulb goes on.
Elliot: Oh....
Dr. Cox: It's okay. Jill can stay a little longer. And if we're real lucky, she'll realize that it's okay to give yourself a break every once in a while. Right?
Elliot: Yeah....
~*~
Bus Stop -- A Large Downpour
Carla stands waiting. A taxi pulls to the curb and J.D. emerges.
J.D.: Hey, I--I took a cab from the last stop -- you forgot your coat.
Carla: I don't want it.
J.D.: [taking in the weather] Why would you?
Carla: You know I was only gonna go to that stupid exhibit because I wanted you to think I was brainy or something. I'm so angry at myself.
J.D.: Oh, thank goodness; 'cause I thought you were mad at me.
Carla: I've had hundreds of interns decide that they don't need me anymore. Why should--- You see, this is why you can't be friends with doctors.
J.D.: Look, Carla, if it's a problem, then you, me, and Elliot and Turk, we'll get together and---
Carla: I don't work with Turk! And I'm not that close to Elliot. The only problem here is _you_, okay? We're supposed to be friends. Your self-esteem is so wrapped up in what you do. You're a doctor -- that's all you are, that's how you define yourself. And you think that you're better than me because of it.
J.D.: Carla, I do not think---
Carla: Admit it. Admit it right now, or I'll never respect you again.
J.D.: Okay, sometimes that's true.
J.D.: Carla, you're a good nurse.
Carla: I'm a _great_ nurse; you patronizing ass.
The bus pulls to the stop.
Carla: You don't even get it, do you? For nine years, I never once felt bad about myself for what I do -- not for one second. And then I met you.
She boards the bus.
J.D.: Please wait.
Carla: Don't!
Sebadoh's "On Fire" plays as J.D. stands on the sidewalk and watches Carla move to the back of the bus and slump into her seat. She attempts to rub the tears from her eyes.
Cut to: The Hospital
J.D.: Hey.
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes the only way to take a really good look at yourself is through someone else's eyes. If you're lucky, you'll like what you see.
Dr. Kelso looks out the window to see Turk out on the bench, enjoying a sandwich, despite the driving rain.
Dr. Kelso: Impressive.
J.D.'s Narration: Or you'll learn from it.
Cut to...
Elliot's Place -- Bathroom
She's lying in a bubble bath, reading. After a moment, she pushes the book away and relaxes.
J.D.'s Narration: If you don't like what you see, I guess all you can do is hope that you haven't burned too many bridges.
The song fades.
Cut to...
ICU
J.D.: Hey, Carla, how many M.A.Q.s of potassium should I give this guy?
Carla: You know the answer to that; don't do that. But thanks, Bambi.
J.D.'s Narration: From that moment on, I knew I'd be "Bambi" forever.
Cut to...
Hall
Dr. Cox: See you tomorrow, Scooter.
In the corner, the Janitor stops his mopping to break into a celebratory jig.
J.D.'s Thoughts: He's actually very talented.
END
