Admissions Area
Janitor: Argh.
J.D.: There. Just a tiny splinter! It's funny; I can't stop thinking about Aesop's Fables -- you know, the one where the--the lion's always hassling the little mouse...but then the mouse pulls a thorn from his paw.
Janitor: Oh, right.... But then the lion kills him anyway. [laughs] Yeah.
J.D.: No he doesn't.
Janitor: Trust me.
Dr. Cox: Sandy, whatta ya say we start our work day.
J.D.: You know, "Sandy" isn't necessarily a girls' name.
Dr. Cox: It's short for "Sandra".
J.D.: Clear.
Jordan: Hello, Perry.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, God. The ex-wife.
Dr. Cox: Jordan. What a coincidence! You were in my dream last night. I can't say for certain, but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake -- you, right?
Jordan: Yes.
Dr. Cox: Right?
Jordan: Yeah.
Dr. Cox: Right?
Jordan: Mm-hmm. [laughs] Say, let's play a game: I'll throw out an adjective describing how one of you is in bed, and you guys try to guess who it is!
J.D.: Remember, I had no idea she was your ex at the time.
Dr. Cox: Heh?
Jordan: Okay. Clumsy!
Dr. Cox: Don't answer that, Newbie.
J.D.: No worries.
Dr. Cox: Goodbye, Jordan. Sandy.
J.D.: Ow!
Jordan: Good job, D.J.
J.D.: You know, it's J.D. Okay? And at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners.
Jordan: Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunk-mate from Camp Morning Wood are both extremely grateful. Yeah.
J.D.: It was Camp Meadow Wood. ...I made a lanyard.
~*~
OPENING THEME
COMMERCIAL
~*~
Hall
J.D.'s Narration: It sounds insensitive, but hospitals can be kind of boring. So if a policeman gets into an accident with the bad guy he's chasing, well, it pumps ya up!
Cut to...
Patient's Room
J.D.: Okay, move it along, fellas, there's nothing to see here. I'll be over here.
Carla: Officer Berson was admitted with shortness of breath and chest pain.
Elliot: Hey, J.D., do you think anyone else gets this excited over a car accident?
***Fantasy Sequence
****
J.D.: Maybe Hank....
J.D.'s Narration: We weren't the only ones psyched to be in the game.
Cut to...
The OR
Turk: The doctor is in. Bad guy, this is why you don't run from the po-lice! Baby, are you ready to rock?
Nurse: Great. Another cocky resident that wants to start surgery before the attending shows up.
Turk: I'm sorry; I just figured that if we finished here quick enough, we might have enough time to pull the stick outta your ass. Whatta you say?
Cut to...
Hall
Dr. Kelso: Perry.
Dr. Cox: Beelzebub. Lackey!
Lawyer: Hey, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Kelso: I'm being honored tonight by the board of trustees, and they asked me to say a few words.
Dr. Cox: Oh! Yawn.
Dr. Kelso: Anyway, I would like you to be the one who introduces me.
Dr. Cox: Wow. Seriously?
Dr. Kelso: Yeah!
Dr. Cox: Not interested.
Dr. Kelso: I didn't ask if you were interested.
Dr. Cox: Bob, I deeply dislike you. Honestly, it keeps me up at night.
Dr. Kelso: Well, then, use that passion! Put that rage on the page!
Dr. Cox: Here's an idea: Why not use Big Chief Flop-Sweat, here?
Dr. Kelso: Ted's not an impressive man.
Lawyer: Hey....! That--- Ah, he's right.
Dr. Cox: Okay.
~*~
Patient's Room
Elliot: Officer Berson, you have a slight arrhythmia, so Dr. Dorian and I are going to monitor you very closely.
J.D.: But don't worry, we're on top of it, okay?
J.D.'s Thoughts: There's nothing like that feeling of really taking charge of a situation.
Dr. Cox: Mary. Rhoda. Chart, please.
Dr. Cox: What'd I stutter? Gimme the chart. Atta girl. Ew. Man. I don't like his 0-2 set. Grab me a doughnut, will ya?
Elliot: Oh, you mean like a--um--a blood-pressure thingie?
Dr. Cox: I mean like a glazed thingie. And I like sprinkles on half of it; so if you can't find a half sprinkled, get me all sprinkles and just go ahead and pick half of 'em off. [whistles]
J.D.: You know that was...kind of demeaning.
Dr. Cox: You know, you're right. Would you do me a favor and apologize to her while you get me some coffee. And please be quick, otherwise I'm just gonna have the manager send over a different waitress. Go. You're done now. Yeah.
J.D.'s Narration: The frustrating thing was, down in the OR, Turk was probably running the show.
Cut to...
The OR
Attending: Steady, Dr. Turk; only about two more hours.
Turk: Could you scratch my nose, please.
Nurse: No. I can scratch _my_ nose. Oh, that feels good.
Turk: Yeah.
~*~
Hall
Dr. Kelso: Miss Sullivan, I just want to thank you and the rest of the board for giving me this award. The fact that your first choice passed away last weekend in no way makes it any less special.
Jordan: Are you sure? 'Cause it seems like it does.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Bob. As far as the whole intro thing goes, I've actually gone ahead and given it a lot of thought, but I'm afraid I'm gonna very politely have to tell you to blow it out your ass.
Dr. Kelso: [laughs] I think we both understand how this works. It's like when my dog Baxter goes winkle on the carpet: He always heads right straight away from the tool shed, but we both know that's where he's gonna spend the night.
Jordan: Charming story.
Dr. Cox: Yeah. The fact of the matter is, I kinda make it a rule never to get in bed with people that I have nothing but contempt for.
Cut to...
Darkened Empty Patient's Room
Jordan. Mmm.
Dr. Cox: Oh.
Jordan: That feels gooood, J.D.
Dr. Cox: You'll now pay for that.
Jordan: God, I hope so.
~*~
Cafeteria
Elliot: You guys, we're residents now. We're supposed to have more responsibility, you know?
Turk: I scratched my nose with Bad Guy's toe.
J.D.: I think we just have to accept the fact that we're the most under-appreciated people at this hospital.
Carla: Oh, Bambi, I really feel for you.
J.D.: Thank you!
Turk: She doesn't.
Carla: J.D., I spend most of my time here getting orders barked at me by people who take credit for my work and blame me for their mistakes. And all the while, I'm expected to hold the doctor's hand. You should try trading places with me for one day.
***Fantasy Sequence:
J.D.: It's actually not that bad. And the lace feels soft against my package.
****
J.D.'s Thoughts: Nah.
~*~
Outside the Empty Patient's Room
Dr. Cox: Well, I'm glad we finally had a chance to, uh, talk.
Jordan: You and me, both. I mean, I haven't had anyone to _talk_ to lately.
Dr. Cox: Whoa-kay.
Jordan: But boy, you sure do talk fast.
Dr. Cox: Bye-bye!
Jordan: Next time we talk, maybe I could finish a sentence or two.
Carla: [sing-song] You still like her.
Dr. Cox: Why, because we had a conversation in an empty room?
Carla: That room's not empty.
{Carla giggles.}
Dr. Cox: Listen, girlfriend, I don't wanna hear your misguided romantic notions. You see, for me, sex is a sport -- like racquet-ball: You play hard for a half an hour, work up a sweat, and hope you don't get hit in the eye.
Carla: Say what you want, I know you care about her. In fact, I bet that after you two are done playing racquet-ball or talking or whatever you crazy kids are calling it, you'd like nothing better than to just lie there and pass the time by watching her sleep.
Dr. Cox: Carla, it's impossible to actually lie next to Jordan, seeing as she sleeps hanging upside-down from the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings.
Carla: That's nice.
~*~
ICU
Janitor: Hey. I thought about what you said, and you're right -- I owe you...so, I got you a date tonight.
J.D.: Who?
Janitor: Tim.
J.D.: I'm not gay.
Janitor: Huh? Oh! Oh.... I get it. Neither is Tim.
J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, I'm on-call tonight, and as weird as this place is during the day...it's even worse at night. See, that's when all the weirdos come out.
Cut to...
The Hall
J.D.'s Narration: Like the ER doctor who likes to work nights 'cause he says he's up anyway.
ER Doc: Hey, bro.
J.D.'s Narration: Or the nurse who everyone agrees is just a little bit off.
J.D.'s Narration: Or, if there's a full moon....
J.D. enters the elevator.
Lawyer: Hey. This is my band. We all work in different departments in the hospital.
J.D.: Ted, I know, you told me last time that we---
Lawyer: [sings] Legal
???: [sings] Accounting
???: [sings] Shipping and Receiving
???: [sings] On-site property management including pest control, night-time security, non-arboreal gardening services, and tenant-related easements and liens.
J.D.: Hey, you got promoted!
The Band: [sings] And it's about time. He's been busting his hump around here for six years. Mm-mmm.
Lawyer: Dr. Kelso lets us practice here at night.
J.D.: Oh, yeah, I remember, the--uh cartoon theme songs.
Lawyer: No, no, no. That was lame. We do prime-time now.
{He plays the note on his pitch pipe.}
{The Band sings "The Facts of Life".}
Arrived on his destination floor, J.D. flees the elevator.
Nurses' Station
J.D.: Hey. So, what attendings are stuck here on-call tonight?
Turk: Everyone's at that Kelso thing.
Elliot: I think Dr. Cox is on.
Carla: No, he went home. But he said that Carol could cover for him.
Turk: Is Carol the one with the really firm butt?
J.D.: Well, I'm "Carol", so yes.
Elliot: It's disturbing how obsessed you are with your own butt.
J.D.: Oh, come on. You guys are missing the point: No one is here tonight but us, we are running this hospital.
Turk: This is our house!
Elliot: We're in charge!
J.D.: I love my butt!
J.D.'s Narration: It's amazing how one moment you think you know exactly what you want....
Cut to...
Dr. Cox's Apartment -- Bedroom
Perry is watching Jordan sleep.
Dr. Cox: Oh, God. Come on.
J.D.'s Narration: ...And then the next moment, everything changes.
Cut back to...
The Hospital – Nurses' Station
Carla: Okay, Elliot: The ER doctor knows there's no attending up here, so instead of treating-&-streeting people, he's just admitting everyone. You've got twelve so far.
Carla: Turk: Oncology, Cardiology, and Pediatrics all need surgical consults...plus---
{The phone rings.}
Carla: That phone is for you. It's the clinic -- they, too, know you're on your own so they're just patching all their night calls right on through.
Carla: And Bambi: Room 201 needs an art-line(?), Room 202 needs reintubation; plus, Carol, you're needed in ICU to place a femoral swan under _____ on Mr. Freed.
J.D.: Never actually...done one of these unsupervised before.
{The beepers start going off.}
J.D.'s Narration: And that's when I realized, tonight we really were all alone -- running the hospital.
{ The Band sing "Charles in Charge". }
~*~
COMMERCIAL
~*~
Re-open: The Hospital – Nurses' Station
J.D.'s Narration: Luckily, someone had the guts to stand up and take charge.
Carla: Look, you've all been on-call before. So, you don't have a safety-net. Most of the time you don't need one, anyway, right?
Carla: Fine. I'll just go tell your patients that they're on their own because you're all too scared.
J.D.: No, Carla. I'm the doctor. I should tell them.
Elliot: Come on, peeps! Let's go kick some sick patient ass!
J.D.: That, my friends, is one nerdy honky!
Turk: That's two.
~*~
Dr. Cox's Apartment -- Bedroom
Jordan: My back hurts.
Dr. Cox: Oh, yeah? Well my front hurts, so touche.
Jordan: Ah, always a charmer. Hi.
Dr. Cox: Hi. I'm gonna go ahead and get you a big, ice-cold glass of water. Whatta you think of that?
Cut to...
The Hospital
Dr. Cox: Ohhh, sweet mother of mercy, Carla, you were right. You were so right.
Carla: Of course.
Dr. Cox: Just exactly what in the hell am I supposed to do now?
Carla: Duck.
Dr. Cox: Wha--!
Turk: Who let that damn clinic page me 'cause a patient thinks their tongue is too spongy!? Huh!? Who!?
Dr. Cox: Under no circumstances are you to tell any of them that I'm here.
Carla: Yeah, yeah. Look: Why don't you just go home and tell Jordan how you feel.
Dr. Cox: [laughing] Tell a woman how I feel?
Carla: Well, I guess you could duck.
Dr. Cox: Uh!
Elliot: Carla, this is ridiculous! He admitted out of Cardiology because he has heartburn! I hate ER docs!
Dr. Cox: You just...don't understand my relationship with Jordan.
Carla: Duck.
Dr. Cox: Hah!
Dr. Cox: Now that's just not funny.
~*~
ICU –- Patient's Cubicle
J.D.'s Narration: I don't know why I was scared of placing a femoral swan, I guess I just couldn't stop wishing there was someone over my shoulder. I was...even starting to see things.
J.D.: Okay, Mr. Freed. I think I can do this.
Mr. Freed: Hm!?
J.D.: I'm gonna need a _________ in here!
Janitor: Want me to knock him out?
J.D.: What are you doing in here?
Janitor: I owe ya. I'm helping you out.
J.D.: This--this isn't like being a janitor, okay! It's not just like something everybody can do.
Janitor: Oh. So you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours.
J.D.: YES!
Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor?
J.D.: I don't know, the...rough side of a sponge?
Janitor: Dammit.
~*~
Pateint's Room
Carla: Officer Berson's spiraling a bit.
Elliot: His pulmonary edema seems to be secondary to acute nitro-regurgitation(?). If it turns out to be a __________, he'll need surgery.
Turk: Yeah, but his vitals are so weak, I wouldn't feel confident about taking him to the OR.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Ahh, the classic Catch-22 between Medical and Surgical. Bottom-line, somebody needs to be decisive.
J.D.: Okay, here's the plan: We do nothing.
Elliot: Sounds good.
Turk: I'm in.
Carla: That's inspiring.
J.D.: We'll meet back here in a few hours and see if his vitals have improved.
{The beepers start going off again.}
Turk: Yeah. This ends now.
J.D.'s Narration: Turk should've known that the worst mistake a doctor can possibly make is setting foot in the hospital's free clinic -- at night.
Cut to...
The Free Clinic
Turk faces a patient.
Turk: I don't care if you do shave down there. That's not even a medical issue! But it sure is pretty!
Turk faces another patient.
Turk: Ma'am, you don't have mono. But you do have halitosis. Mint?
Turk faces another patient.
Turk: Ma'am, three baby Tylenol is actually an under-dose for a woman your size.
She decks him.
Turk: OH!
Turk faces a patient who has their arms all wrapped around behind their back.
Turk: Yes, congratulations, you _are_ double-jointed.
~*~
A Ward
Elliot: [frazzled] Look, I just thought we'd talk to you up here about it so you could see that we don't have any more beds and we really can't handle any more patients.
ER Doc: Okay. You talk way too fast.
Elliot: If you could just keep one person downstairs, we'd be willing to throw a parade for you!
Carla: She needs you to give her a break.
ER Doc: Oh. Well, tell her that we're really swamped.
Carla: She can understand you!
Elliot: Uh-huh! Yeah!
ER Doc: Well then, uh, understand this: Chill out, bitty.
~*~
Dr. Cox's Apartment -- Bedroom
Dr. Cox: Hey.
Jordan: Hey. Didn't you go to get water, like, an hour ago?
Dr. Cox: More or less, yeah.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Jordan, there's something I really want to say to you....
Jordan: But can you say it while I'm drinking water? Because I'm really dying of thirst---
Dr. Cox: I like you...again. There, you win. You can ahead and do your victory dance or slaughter a goat or whatever it is you do when you're happy.
Jordan: You don't like me.
Dr. Cox: I watch you when you sleep.
Jordan: Well that just gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Dr. Cox: I can't stop thinking about putting up with you.
Jordan: Look: This is pointless, angry, shallow sex! Why would you go and ruin something like that?
Dr. Cox: I'm real sorry, but that's just not enough for me anymore.
Jordan: Sweetie, I have feelings for you, too; I do. But unlike you, I have some balls, so you don't hear me whining about it. Look, Perry, I can't let you back into my life, and watch you personally and professionally sabotage every single chance that you get. It's too hard. I can't do it.
Dr. Cox: I've changed. I have. I see a shrink now; I actually see two, tell you the truth. Good God, what do you want me to do to prove that I'm not that guy anymore?
Jordan: Hmm...
Cut to...
Awards Banquet
Dr. Kelso: There you are! Had to make me sweat, didn't ya! [laughs] Good for you, buckaroo. Here. I took the liberty of writing out my introduction.
Dr. Cox: Oh! "Bob Kelso is...the love of my life."
Dr. Kelso: My wife was going to do it.
Dr. Cox: She doesn't even seem to be here, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Eh. What're you gonna do?
Dr. Cox: Heh!
Jordan: Lovely.
Dr. Cox: Heh.
~*~
Hospital
Janitor: You rang. Lurch.
J.D.: Oh. Um. My stethoscope is stuck up there, and I need you to get it down for me.
Janitor: You put it up there.
J.D.: It's really neither here nor there.
Janitor: Fine. All right, we're even.
J.D.: Thank God.
Janitor: You know you could have just asked me to stop hassling you for, like, a year?
J.D.: Okay, I want that, then.
Janitor: It's too late.
J.D.: But I...use those...for listening.
Nurse: Oh, uh, they want you upstairs in room, um, 208.
Cut to...
Patient's Room
J.D.: His vitals are exactly the same. There's gotta be one attending in this stupid hospital.
Carla: You guys are unbelievable.
Turk: Oh, thank you, baby.
Carla: Not the good kind.
Turk: I know!
Carla: You all claim you want more responsibility.... But you're being outsmarted by a doctor who wears scrubs made out of hemp; you're afraid to stand up to a volunteer who's answering the clinic phones; and Bambi, did you ever place that femoral swan?
J.D.: It's on my to-do list.
Carla: Now I know you're all hoping Officer Berson's vitals will go up or down and this decision will be made for you, but guess what? Nothing's changed. So it's on you.
J.D.'s Narration: We all knew what we had to do.
J.D.: Surgery.
{Band does the opening to "The Six Million Dollar Man"}
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes, just making a decision is half the battle.
Lawyer: Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better than he was before. Better. Stronger. Faster.
{They do the electronic sound effects of the theme.}
Lawyer: Your "zhn-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne"s could be louder. You guys were fine.
~*~
The Awards Banquet
Dr. Cox: Good evening, everybody. Bob Kelso is....
J.D.'s Narration: In moments of truth, we always reveal who we really are.
Dr. Cox: Bob Kelso is an awful, awful man.
There's uncomfortable silence before someone in the room snickers. The rest join in cheerful laughter and applause at Dr. Cox's humor.
Dr. Cox: I'm not joking. He's the devil. What's wrong with you people? This is---
Dr. Kelso: Yeah! Great stuff, Perry! Great stuff! Is this guy a hoot, or what?
Dr. Kelso: I'll have your ass for this.
Jordan walks out.
Dr. Cox: Jor--Jordan!
Dr. Kelso: Thank you, thank you.
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes, we're our own worst enemy.
J.D.'s Narration: And sometimes, we rise to the occasion.
Cut to...
Hospital
J.D. explains the policeman's condition to his fellow officers.
J.D.: Everything went, uh, really well.
J.D.'s Narration: Even though we all know that tomorrow morning, the three of us'll go back to being the most unappreciated people in the whole damn hospital.
The gang walk out of the hospital, ready to go home.
Nurse: Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you were off last night?
Carla: I switched shifts to help some friends out. Have a good one.
Carla: Hey, guys! Wait up!
{The Band sing "Charles in Charge".}
Dr. Kelso: Shut up, Ted, it's morning!
END
