Épisode Mon foie en morceau S05E17

Hallway. J.D. passes through.

J.D.'s Narration: A month ago I shaved my head to show solidarity with a leukemia patient. Of course, there were ramifications.

(Flashback: Patient's room. J.D. is bald.)

J.D.: Hello, I'm your doctor.

(The room J.D. has entered is full of Hare Krishnas. bald and dressed in orange robes and carrying tambourines.)

Krishnas: [singing] Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna/ Krishna Krishna Hare Hare...

J.D.: [while they are singing] Oh, no no, I know I've got the hair, but I'm not one of you people...

(One of the group offers him a tambourine.)

J.D.: Hello, how are you? Well, I have been known to tambour.

(Cut to outside. J.D. is wearing orange robes with the Hare Krishnas.)

Group: [singing] Hare Krishna Hare Krishna...

(Cut to Nurses' Station. J.D. enters.)

J.D.'s Narration: After our tambourine jam they gave me some literature, but I'm not the type that's easily sucked in by that stuff.

Dr. Mickhead: Good morning, Dr. Dorian.

J.D.: Praise be to Krishna! Dammit.

(J.D. enters another patient's room.)

J.D.: Hey, Mr. Coleman, how are you feeling?

(Mr. Coleman is severely jaundiced.)

Mr. Coleman: [singing] They call me mellow yellow.

J.D.: Um, Mr. Coleman, the hepatitis is doing a number on your liver. You're obviously very jaundiced...yellow! Oh, mellow yellow, I get it, that's funny! You know, I never knew what that song was about. Now I -- now I finally get it. Liver disease. Anyway, we're going to give you suppressive therapy and do everything we can to make sure you don't need a liver transplant, OK?

Mr. Coleman: OK.

J.D.: All right, see you, Mr. Coleman.

(J.D. exits. J.D. enters again and his hair is back.)

J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, a month later...

Mr. Coleman: Let's hear it.

J.D.: Frank, we have no more options. We gotta get you a new liver.

(Cut to cafeteria. Keith kisses Elliot then exits.)

Jordan: So how is the boy toy thing going? I'm thinking of trading Perry in for a younger model.

Elliot: Actually, we're getting kind of serious, so I...

Dr. Cox: Excuse me. I need a moment of silence so I can get into a meditative state where I block out any and all irritating white noise. I call it my happy place.

(Dr. Cox takes a breath and then zones out.)

Elliot: You know, it's kind of rude...

(Pan to Dr. Cox's face. He is spaced out. Waves on a beach and seagull cries are heard. Elliot's lips move but make no sound.)

Elliot: ...well I can understand you haven't had...

Jordan: [interrupting] Uh, sweets, he can't hear you.

Elliot: Really?

Jordan: Mm-mm.

Elliot: I was the one who puked on your Porsche after Turk and Carla's wedding.

(Dr. Cox is still spaced out.)

Elliot: Ugh, that has been eating at me for two years. Anyway, Keith is great, the only thing is his last name is um...Dudemeister.

Jordan: Oh, that doesn't even sound real.

Elliot: Well, it's actually German, Dudemeister means master of dudes.

Jordan: You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.

Elliot: You don't like Cox?

Jordan: Actually, I love Cox.

(Todd enters.)

Todd: Greatest conversation ever.

Jordan: See, that's the problem.

Female: [offscreen] This sausage is huge!

Todd: Excuse me, ladies. I'm needed elsewhere.

(Todd exits.)

Jordan: You know what? the four of us should go out for drinks sometime.

Elliot: Actually, we're free tonight.

Jordan: It's a couple date!

Elliot: Done!

(Elliot and Jordan exit, talking quickly. Thunder rumbles over Dr. Cox and he snaps to reality.)

Dr. Cox: Something horrible just happened.

(Cut to Mr. Coleman's room.)

J.D.: All right, buddy. Today's the day.

J.D.'s Narration: The amazing thing about livers is that a healthy person can actually have part of it removed and give it to somebody else. For Frank, that person was his brother, Marc.

(Marc enters.)

Marc: Hey, somebody order a liver? Ha ha ha! Uh oh. [Speaking into a Jello cup] Jello? Jello? Is this thing on?

(Turk and J.D. giggle.)

J.D.'s Narration: Marc was a stand-up comic on a cruise ship.

Marc: If I'm not careful, they'll put me in the pun-itentiary.

J.D.'s Narration: He was a genius.

Mr. Coleman: Thanks for doing this for me, man.

Marc: Hey, what's mine is yours, little bro. You know that.

(Marc taps his torso, kisses his finger and points to Mr. Coleman.)

Turk: I didn't get that one.

J.D.: I didn't either. Hey, Turk, if you ever donated a body part to me, you know which one I'd want?

(Cut to J.D.'s Fantasy. He has a very large butt, and Turk's is flat.)

J.D.: Hey, thanks for the butt, playa!

Carla: You better have a reason for taking my man's badonka-donk donk.

J.D.: I do, Carla. I'm building something.

Elliot: What?

J.D.: A brick house!

(The Commodores' A Brick House plays and J.D. starts dancing. Carla and Elliot start dancing with J.D. End fantasy. Lsverne enters.)

Laverne: Dr. Turk? Todd needs you in the lab.

Turk: Tell Todd he can kiss my big, black ass. (to J.D.) Bet you wish you could say that.

J.D.: I do.

Mr. Coleman's room.

Marc: Brr. These gowns do not protect the fellows against a cool breeze, do they?

Mr. Coleman: You'll get used to it.

Turk: OK, we'll be back to check on you guys a little later, all right?

Marc: OK, we'll be the guys that look like us.

(Turk and J.D. exit the room, laughing.)

Turk: [laughing] How does he come up with this stuff?

J.D.: You know, you could be a dynamite center square.

Turk: Dude, four more hours and I am off.

J.D.: You mean we are off. I changed my schedule which means I have Thursday nights off which means we are going out which means you are going to be my wingman. Even though you're horrible at it.

(Turk and J.D. enter the elevator.)

Turk: When have I been a bad wingman?

(Flashback: Theta Omega house at Turk and J.D.'s college. Turk has painted his face white and is dressed in preppy clothes. J.D. is wearing baggy clothes and has painted his face black.

J.D.: Turk, are you sure this isn't offensive? It doesn't look like anybody else is wearing a costume.

Turk: Buddy, relax. These are my guys, all right? As long as you're with me, they're going to find this funny.

J.D.: All right.

(J.D. rings the doorbell.)

Turk: That looks like Talia.

(Turk exits. The door opens.)

J.D.: Wazzup!

(Two large, black fraternity brothers grab J.D. and drag him inside and shut the door.)

J.D.: Waaaah!!

(Turk enters.)

Turk: My bad, my bad.

(Turk listens at the door to the sound of J.D. getting beat up inside. J.D. flies out of a second floor window and lands behind Turk.)

J.D.: Wooo! Ahh!

Turk: That--that wasn't Talia.

(End flashback.)

J.D.: Every time I saw them they yelled out "cracker." How did they know I love crackers?

(Turk and J.D. exit.)

Dr. Cox: Please don't make me go out with Barbie, and yes, I know it's too easy, Ken.

Jordan: But we haven't gone out with another couple in over a year.

Dr. Cox: Jordan, there's a reason for that.

(Flashback. Dr. Cox, Jordan, Dr. Zeltzer and his wife are having drinks. Dr. Cox downs his drink in one swallow.)

Dr. Zeltzer: Wh-wh-whoa, slow down there, big guy.

Dr. Cox: Why, Zeltzer? It's not like I'm driving.

Dr. Zeltzer: I know, but there was a roofie in it.

(Dr. Cox passes out cold.)

Jordan: I'm not sure if I'm OK with that.

Dr. Zeltzer: Three, two, one.

(Jordan passes out cold.)

Dr. Zeltzer's wife: Party time.

(End flashback.)

Jordan: I think we should give them another chance.

(Cut to hallway. A door opens, and an arm drags Carla inside and slams the door.)

Carla: Whoa!

(Cut to Dr. Kelso's office.)

Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, I need your help with something. My dog, Baxter, passed away last night. I dealt with it emotionally, but unfortunately, I can't stop crying. Anyway, I need you to run interference for me today. Keep people from seeing me looking vulnerable and so forth.

Carla: So you think I'll automatically do this? You think my ego is so big that I'll be flattered that I'm the only one you can open up to? I'll do it.

(Cut to hallway. Marc and Mr. Coleman are being wheeled down the hall in gurneys past Dr. Cox, J.D. and Turk.)

Marc: Wish us luck guys!

J.D.: Good luck fellas.

Dr. Cox: All the best.

J.D.: We'll be rooting for you.

Turk: Good luck.

J.D.: And I will see you later.

Turk: Wonderful.

(J.D. exits.)

Dr. Cox: What are you two gonna do? Stay up late, eat raw cookie dough and pinky-swear that you're diet will start tomorrow?

Turk: What is your problem?

Dr. Cox: Ah, Jordan is forcing me to double-date with the Dudemeisters.

Turk: Because of J.D., I gotta miss Turk Night. Yeah, I only have three nights off during the week. Two of nights Carla has off two, so we gotta do married stuff.

Dr. Cox: Fighting, arguing, bickering and the occasional quickie?

Turk: Exactly. But Thursday nights, I got the apartment to myself. So you know, I come home...

(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Turk enters and kicks off his shoes and pants.)

Turk's Voiceover: I open the door. I immediately get comfortable. Then I take care of all my busy work. Case dictation, patient charts, everything.

(Turk talks into a tape recorder while reviewing a pile of charts.)

Turk's Voiceover: Then I watch whatever's on ESPN.

(Turk is on the couch, eating cookie dough.)

TV Announcer: Stay tuned for more Gilmore Girls!

Turk: Mothers and daughters. They speak so fast, but they speak so true.

Turk's Voiceover: I make some important work calls.

Turk: [on cell phone] Did you see it?

(Cut to J.D.)

J.D.: [on phone] I am so made at Lorelei I can't even talk right now.

(J.D. hangs up. Cut back to Nurses' Station.)

Turk: That's Turk Night.

(Turk looks around but Dr. Cox is gone. Dr. Cox whistles.. Turk looks down. Dr. Cox is lying on the floor reading The New York Herald.)

Dr. Cox: God, you're boring.

(Cut to Dr. Kelso's office. Someone knocks at the door. Carla answers it.)

Elliot: Hey, just need to talk to Kelso.

Carla: You can't come in.

Elliot: Why?

Dr. Kelso: I have no pants on.

Carla: He spilled coffee on them. [whispering] I wish I didn't have to see those pale legs.]

Elliot: Ask him if we can get a new label-maker in the pharmacy. The "P" is broken and nobody knows what "enicillin" is.

Carla: Oh. Sir, she just wants...

Dr. Kelso: [interrupting] Just tell her no!

Carla: But, sir, she just...

Dr. Kelso: [interrupting] If it makes you feel better, you can pretend you're fighting for her. Yell "hear me out, Bob."

Carla: Hear me out, you old jackass!

Dr. Kelso: No ad-libbing! Now send her packing.

Carla: [to Elliot] He said yes.

Elliot: Coolio!

(Elliot exits.)

Dr. Kelso: You think you're funny. My job is to spend the day saying "no" to people. And now that you have let a "yes" spread out into the world, you have opened the floodgates.

(As Dr. Kelso finishes, someone knocks on the door. Carla answers.)

Laverne: Can we have bibles in the patients' rooms?

Carla: No.

(She closes the door. Ted is next. He is wearing an elaborate vest to hold his telephone receiver to his ear.)

Ted: Can I get a better hands-free headset for my phone?

Carla: No.

(Todd is next.)

Todd: Can I be allowed back in the men's locker room?

Carla: No!

(Janitor is next.)

Janitor: Can I get some new work boots?

Carla: No.

(Janitor sticks his foot in the door.)

Janitor: Guess the old ones still work. I do have more requests though. I need an anvil, some barbed wire and a bow and arrow.

Carla: No.

Janitor: Hm. How about a sled dog?

Carla: No.

Janitor: Cowboy hat?

Carla: No.

Janitor: Ferris wheel?

Carla: No.

Janitor: Stun gun?

Carla: No.

Janitor: Pelican?

Carla: No!

(Carla shuts the door.)

Dr. Kelso: I'll be on the couch, napping.

(Cut to the bar.)

Jordan: Sweetie, calm down. If you're miserable, you can just talk to me. I won't abandon you, all right?

(Dr. Cox and Jordan sit at a table with Elliot and Keith.)

Jordan: Hey! Oh my God...

Elliot: ...I love your jacket...

Jordan: ...I love your necklace...

(The rest is indistinct as they get up to go to the bathroom.)

Keith: Hey, uh, Dr. Cox, can you get me beer? I forgot my ID.

Dr. Cox: Ohh..

(Cut to a bowling alley.)

Turk: I can't believe people hang out at bowling alleys now.

J.D.: It's great. You surround yourself with some new friends. You say one clever thing and you're in. Watch this. You guys, let's tally it up, gather round! Whoa, Carol! 180, amazing! Lisa, you had a 125. Turk, 192!

Turk: That's how we do!

J.D.: And bowled a gentleman's 40. Now, who wants to help me off with my shoes? I forgot to wear socks.

(Carol and Lisa leave.)

J.D.: I'm losing them.

Turk: If you ladies remain in this area, we'll bring back drinks.

J.D.: Nice save.

(J.D. gasps upon seeing the group of Hare Krishnas from before in the lane next to them.)

J.D.: Krishnas.

Turk: Relax, they'll never recognize you.

(Cut to one of the Krishna's POV. He uses his pencil to "erase" J.D.'s hair. J.D. walks away as the Krishnas start to follow him. J.D. comes face to face with the black fraternity brothers from college. Cut to one of their POV's. He takes a pencil and "colors" J.D.'s face.)

Fraternity Brother: Good to see you again.

J.D.: Wazzup?

(The fraternity brothers grab J.D. and throw him down the bowling lane, scoring a strike. The brothers laugh. Cut to the bar.)

Elliot: I hate it when Keith wears that shirt. We get it. You like sports.

(Keith has a t-shirt that says "I LIKE SPORTS.")

Jordan: Sweetie, you have to dress your man. For God's sake, Perry walked out of the house tonight in a hockey jersey.

Keith: Dr. Cox, when you first st--

(Cut to Dr. Cox. He is once again in his happy place. Keith's lips move but make no sound.)

Jordan: Hey you! Make an effort!

Dr. Cox: Ah. You may tell me who your favorite sports team is. Keep it short.

Keith: Detroit Red Wings.

Dr. Cox: Oh.

(Dr. Cox lifts his shirt to reveal a Red Wings jersey underneath.)

Dr. Cox: For the next twenty minutes, you will sit in silence while I tell you why the Detroit Red Wings are the greatest franchise in the history of professional sports. On September 25, 1926...

(Cut to Mr. Coleman's room.)

J.D.: Look at you, man, you're color's back, there's no sign of infection.

Mr. Coleman: I feel--I feel great.

J.D.: You look great, man, I'm glad.

Mr. Coleman: Thanks.

J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, things weren't going as well for Marc.

(J.D. walks to Marc's room, next door.)

Laverne: He's hypertensive and tachycardic.

(J.D. begins feeling Marc's abdomen.)

J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes that's the way life works. The ones who do the nice things suffer the most. Whether it's giving up Turk Night for a friend...

(Cut to Nurses' Station.)

Dr. Wen: Christopher, why haven't you finished your case reports?

Turk: Sorry, Dr. Wen, I was going to do them last night, but I wound up going out with my buddy, right?

Dr. Wen: Just get them done.

(Cut to Admissions Area. Dr. Cox enters. All the interns are wearing Red Wings jerseys.)

J.D.'s Narration: ...Or going out with an intern to make your wife happy...

Leslie: Hey, Dr. Cox, we're going coffee, you want to come?

Dr. Cox: Get--get the hell away from me.

(The interns laugh.)

Dr. Cox: Why are you all smiling?

Leslie: Keith said you'd be mean. But then you'd tell us sports stories.

Dr. Cox: Oh my God.

(Dr. cox exits, followed by the interns. Cut to cafeteria.)

J.D.'s Narration: ...or agreeing to be the bad guy for your boss.

Carla: Hi!

(Ted and Laverne leave. Janitor drags his table away.)

Carla: Oh, come on!

(Cut to Marc's room. J.D. continues his examination.)

J.D.'s Narration: When you're the one paying the price it can really make you wonder...

J.D.: He's bleeding out. Prep the OR. CAN I HAVE THE CRASH CART IN HERE!!

J.D.'s Narration: ...was it worth it?

(Nurses enter with resuscitation equipment and they begin to work on Marc.)

Marc's room.

Turk: So one of the ligation sutures came undone, but we got it in time. He should be fine now.

J.D.: OK, Nurse Winston, call me if there's any change.

(J.D. and Turk exit the room.)

J.D.: Dude, how awesome was last night?

Turk: Dude, you got bowled by my frat brothers.

J.D.: No, man, we're all cool now. They even invited me to this alumni thing they're having in January.

Turk: The Martin Luther King Fling?

J.D.: Sounds hot. Hey, we're going out Thursday, right? Because I went online and got a magic eight-ball bowling ball. Check this: Are the ladies going to love this? "Ask again later?" Oh, I'm just kidding, it says yes.

Turk: You know what? Thursday night might not work for me.

J.D.: You're going. Where are the interns?

Turk: They're with Dr. Cox. Apparently he's mentoring them and talking to them and stuff.

J.D.'s Thoughts: What?!

(J.D. exits. Cut to Admissions Area. Dr. Cox enters, followed by the interns.)

Dr. Cox: OK, that's it! This right here is the "get hit line." Cross it at your own risk.

Leslie: When do you turn nice? This is getting kind of old.

Dr. Cox: Never, Leslie.

Leslie: He knows my name!

Dr. Cox: [whistles] I was just calling you by a random girl's name. Listen, please, I don't care about any of your problems. I have no answers for any of you.

Gloria: But my boyfriend is bi-curious and he wants me to pick his lovers.

Dr. Cox: I might have an answer for that: Ew. I mean come on, children, what do you actually think is going to happen here? Do you think I'm going to take you and sit you down next to me and say, uh, "listen, um, if you need anything...

(J.D. enters.)

Dr. Cox: ...you've got my pager. Just know that I'm there for you, always."

J.D.: Oh. My. God.

Dr. Cox: Newbie...

J.D.: No! Zip it! I am so G-darn pissed right now. I was OK when you kept me at an arm's length because everybody said "that's just Cox. That's how he operates." And I believed them. Now I walk in on this. This bi-racial love fest? You know what? I hate to do it, but I'm giving you back the pencil. That's right. The pencil you gave me on my third day of work. You handed it off to me like a--like a tiny yellow baton. Like you were trying to say to me "J.D., you are the new me. You, J.D., are my mentee. You -- are my son."

Dr. Cox: What pencil?

J.D.: Oh, that's perfect.

(J.D. pulls a very short pencil our from behind his ear.)

J.D.: That's perfect. You know what, take it!

(J.D. throws the pencil at Dr. Cox.)

J.D.: Maybe you can use it with Rex, or Gloria, or that guy.

Dr. Cox: That guy's name is Leslie.

J.D.: Heh. His name is Leslie. His name is Leslie. You're name is Leslie. All right, good for you, Leslie.

(J.D. exits. J.D. enters and tackles Leslie in a rage.)

J.D.: LESLIE!

(Cut to Nurses' Station.)

Carla: So do you think everyone's still mad at me?

Elliot: Oh, I'm...

(Elliot stops as Janitor, Todd, Ted and Laverne enter in slow motion. Janitor gives Carla the evil eye as low chanting and organ music play in the background. Janitor stops them.)

Janitor: Guys, come on, I'm the only one giving the evil eye. We worked on this. Hey, Ted, you're giving sad eye.

Ted: It's all I've got!

Janitor: I don't believe that. Now come on. Let's suck it up. Dig deep, concentrate and just...

(They all give Carla the evil eye and the music resumes for several moments. Janitor stops it again.)

Janitor: And break. Nice. Very nice, guys, even you.

Todd: I just thought about flat boobies and it made me mad.

Carla: What do I have to do to make it up to you?

Laverne: Go, Ted.

Ted: We want tickets to the Latin Grammys. We figure you might know someone.

Carla: I don't.

Elliot: Oh, Carla, please...

Carla: [interrupting] Elliot! I don't.

Elliot: How about she just buys rounds for everyone at the bar?

Laverne: [in unison] Martinis, cool.

Ted: [in unison] Aww.

Todd: [in unison] Oh, OK, see you, guys.

(Todd, Ted and Laverne exit.)

Carla: That was easy, hm?

Janitor: Latin Grammys o nada. (or nothing)

(Cut to ICU. Dr. Cox is putting on his jacket.)

Carla: A bunch of interns are looking for you.

Dr. Cox: I know. I'm in my streets because I'm sneaking out of here early. All because of Jordan and her stupid couples' night.

Dr. Zeltzer: Oh, Perry, speaking of couples nights, I don't know if you and Jordan like camping, but this weekend, me and the wife, and a pretty interesting guy named Ron are heading out to the lake.

Dr. Cox: Keep moving, Zeltzer.

Dr. Zeltzer: Rain check.

(Dr. Zeltzer exits.)

Carla: So, you gotta leave early. Thanks to Kelso, I gotta take half the hospital staff out for drinks so they don't hate me.

Turk: Thanks to J.D. I'll be up forever doing these damn case reports. Plus, I lost the one night a week that I look forward to.

Carla: What about the two nights a week we spend together?

Turk: Now I am *so* mad at J.D.

Dr. Cox: That's it. We gotta let these people know what they're putting us through.

Carla: Let's do this.

Turk: Let's do it.

(Cut to doctor's lounge. Keith is modeling the same clothes Dr. Cox was wearing.)

Jordan: I like this particular outfit because it's casual and the pant pockets are extra deep which is perfect for storing makeup.

Elliot: He's like a giant purse!

Jordan: Ah!

Keith: This shirt is itchy.

Jordan: Oh, oh, ssh-ssh. Purses don't talk.

(Dr. Cox enters. He stops when he sees Keith. Dr. Cox and Keith both scratch their noses and fold their arms.)

Dr. Cox: Jordan, you promised this would never happen.

(J.D. enters and gasps when he sees the two dressed identically.)

J.D.: How dare you!

(J.D. throws his papers in the air and storms off.)

Dr. Cox: Could we talk?

Jordan: One sec. [to Elliot] I just wanted to thank you for the other night. Since Perry and I had Jack, we don't get to go out that much as a couple and it was really nice. Don't tell anyone I'm nice.

Elliot: Oh, Mm. No.

(Cut to Dr. Kelso's office.)

Carla: Dr. Kelso, we need to talk.

(Dr. Kelso is looking at a picture of Baxter.)

Dr. Kelso: Baxter was a good dog. You never think you're going to miss animals as much as you do. It was just nice having some creature in my life who never disappointed me. Never judged me. Never showed up late at my 50th birthday party with freshly pierced nipples and a barely-legal Filipino boy named Pogo. My son Harrison.

Carla: I figured.

Dr. Kelso: Man's best friend, huh? They got that one right.

Carla: At least you stopped crying.

Dr. Kelso: Oh, not really. My body can't produce tears anymore because I've intentionally dehydrated myself. It's a risky move, I know, but Dr. Jarvis here said it'll be all right.

(Dr. Kelso points to wall behind him.)

Carla: There's nobody standing behind you.

Dr. Kelso: I'm going to need an IV.

(Cut to Marc's room.)

Turk: J.D. Can I talk to you?

J.D.: I can't right now, I gotta go check on Frank.

(J.D. exits.)

Turk: So, you missing the other half of you liver?

Marc: Oh, I'm not. But my gall bladder's pretty broken up about it. Apparently they had a thing.

Turk: You got a gift, man, a gift! Did your brother freak out when you told him you almost died?

Marc: Oh, I didn't tell Frank. Look at him. He's so happy. If he knew what I went through, he'd feel terrible. Why would I want to do that to him when I love him so much?

(J.D. enters.)

J.D.: Hey, Turk, you wanted to talk to me?

(Screen splits three ways.)

Jordan: You wanted to talk to me?

Dr. Kelso: You wanted to talk to me?

(Each screen cuts from Turk to J.D., Jordan to Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso to Carla. They say nothing. Cut to the bar.)

Keith: Dr. Cox, can we talk about something besides sports this time?

Dr. Cox: Uhh...

Carla: You're OK.

Dr. Cox: OK, uh, Keith, you may choose between good scotch, ab workouts or Lee Marvin movies.

(Carla walks to another table with a pitcher of beer.)

Carla: And who over here needs a refill?