Épisode Ma ballade romantique S05E24

Scene 1

Open: Admissions Area. J.D. enters.

J.D.'s Narration: It's springtime at Sacred Heart and the whole hospital had that end of the year smell.

(J.D. smells a nurse's hair and grimaces.)

J.D.: Gloria, I need you to change the dressing on Mr. Currans' wound.

Gloria: And I need you to suck it.

J.D.: Wow, Gloria, do you kiss your great, great, great, great, great grandkids with that mouth? Zoom, zoom, zoom! Ted, that's funny! Where's the chuckle?

Ted: Bank foreclosed on my house.

J.D.: Where's your mom?

Ted: She's out in the car with the cats.

J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Kelso celebrated spring by wearing his golf shorts to flaunt his oddly youthful legs.

(Dr. Kelso enters in a shirt, tie and ridiculous golf shorts.)

Dr. Kelso: Take 'em in, people. I shaved 'em for you.

(Dr. Kelso strikes several poses to show off his legs. Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment)

Jordan: Tell your daddy what you just did.

Jack: I made poopy in the potty.

Dr. Cox: You know, son, as a doctor I spend a lot of my day dealing with other people's poop and I'm not gonna lie to you, Jacky, it gets old. Now that's — that's not to say that I haven't enjoyed the last three years of waking up to a fresh brown trout in your Huggies. Besides, you're going to be doing the same thing for me someday real soon. And yet, aside from actually seeing you being born and that time Wayne Gretzky said "what's up" to me in line at the bank, you being out of diapers is the best damn thing that's ever happened to me. It truly is. Now why don't you go in your room and — and play for a little while, because your mom and I are gonna celebrate up here, grown-up style.

(Jack exits.)

Jordan: All right, let's get this over with. I need to take a nap. I've been exhausted all week.

Dr. Cox: Yippee.

(Dr. Cox leans in for a kiss.)

Jordan: Uh-uh, no kissing! Hands behind your back! Let's go!

(Cut to Nurses' Station. Kim goes over a chart.)

J.D.'s Narration: Yup, love was definitely in the air.

(J.D. slides over the counter up to Kim.)

J.D.: Hey, Kim, how would you like a night on the town with the hottest doctor in this place?

Kim: I'd rather just go out with you. Ohh! Zoom, zoom, zoom!

J.D.: You zoom, zoom, zoom?

Kim: Ha! Of course. I invented the zoom, zoom, zoom.

J.D.: Oh, cool.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Liar.

(Kim and J.D. approach a bed in the ICU.)

Kim: So, Josh, you are suffering from a condition called phimosis. It's basically a hardening of your foreskin. As part of your treatment, I'm going to ask that you masturbate five times a week.

(Josh looks uncertainly at his crotch.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: Help the poor kid out.

J.D.: Well, five times a week, huh? For me that would be cutting back.

J.D.'s Thoughts: He said, in front of his future girlfriend.

J.D.: You know what? I should probably mosey.

(J.D. tries to exit, but gets caught in a privacy curtain, stumbles and crashes headfirst into an x-ray viewer.)

J.D.: Looking forward to our date.

(J.D. again tries to exit, but gets a door slammed in his face and he falls over.)

Kim: See you around six, wear something slutty. Zoom, zoom, zoom.

J.D.: [to himself] That's mine.

OPENING THEME

Scene 2

Open: Admissions Area. Carla sits on the counter, now quite visibly pregnant.

Carla: Eh? You like that?

Todd: Wow. I felt it move.

Carla: Todd, you're touching your crotch.

Todd: I know, and I'm loving it.

(Todd winks and exits. J.D. enters.)

J.D.: Hey, Tubby.

Carla: Oh, J.D., come here, I want to you to feel something, quick!

J.D.: Ooh.

(J.D. moves forward to feel her belly. She slaps him on both sides of the head.)

J.D.: OWWWW!!

Carla: Don't call me Tubby.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Pregnant witch. Hey, there's Kim. She and Elliot had bonded over their ability to communicate at the speed of light.

(Cut to Elliot and Kim, talking very, very quickly at the same time.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: You'd have to slow it down for humans to understand.

(Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. Kim and Elliot converse at a normal pace while a nurse carrying a full tray trips and falls in very slow motion.)

Elliot: So the shower's gonna start at four, and there's gonna be baby games.

Kim: You're such a good friend. You know, I got her a present, but since we're not close, I think I'm just gonna go home and get ready for my date.

Elliot: Oh.

(End fantasy.)

Kim: Oh, hey, you! I'm psyched for tonight.

Elliot: Ah, yes. The best thing about having a date with J.D. is that if you're having Chinese food and you decide you want Mexican, you can just walk right on to the other side of the food court.

J.D.: We are not going the mall, Elliot. I was gonna make you dinner and then go to karaoke, but I'm not sure how to do both in the same night. Unless, of course...

Elliot: J.D., not Floating Head Doctor.

J.D.: Too late, I'm already there.

(Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. Elliot's apartment. J.D.'s body is making a mess of the kitchen, having put carrots in the candle holder, spilled a bottle of olive oil and cracking eggs onto a cutting board.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: Body could stay home and prepare the feast.

(Body puts a steak in the dishwasher, then shakes salt all over the counter. Cut to a karaoke bar. Kim and J.D.'s Head are on stage.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: And as always, Head could take care of entertainment.

Kim: [singing] Don't go breaking my heart.

J.D.'s Head: [singing] I couldn't if I tried.

Kim & J.D.'s Head: [singing] Oh, honey, if I get restless...

Kim: Stop hogging the mic!

J.D.'s Head: Body, come!

(J.D.'s Body is trying to fry a salad. His arm is on fire. He takes off running, and enters from backstage. He leaps at Kim, who dives out of the way, causing J.D.'s Body (still on fire) to fly off the stage and into the crowd.)

J.D.'s Head: Stupid Body! I gotta do everything myself!

(J.D.'s Head headbutts Kim and knocks her out.)

J.D.'s Head: [singing] Oooh, oooh, and nobody knows...Come with me, Come with me...

(End fantasy.)

J.D.: Head loves karaoke.

Kim: Well, I'm up for anything. I married my high school boyfriend, so the only first date I ever went on was in tenth grade. I began with me sitting in the backseat of his Miata, because his friend, Benny, called shotgun. And it ends with us going to the arcade, and I quote, to eat pizza and beat up nerds. And I married that guy!

(Kim boards an elevator.)

J.D.: Well, trust me, Kim. I've beaten up many nerds in my day. But tonight's about you having the best first date ever.

Kim: All right, slugger!

(The door closes.)

J.D. & Elliot: [in unison] Bye!

Elliot: You don't have anything planned, do you?

J.D.: You had to soil the whole food court thing. It's veal piccata night at Sbarro's!

(Elliot and J.D. enter the cafeteria.)

Elliot: Well, I'd help you out, but I'm planning a baby shower for Carla. I am going to make this cafeteria look totally different.

(Cut to the baby shower. Everyone is in the cafeteria, which is covered with baby-themed decorations. Everyone applauds and cheers as Elliot, Carla and Turk enter. The Worthless Peons begin singing the "Chili's baby back ribs" theme. Turk dances, Carla looks disgusted and Elliot is trying to cut them off.)

Elliot: Ted, what the hell?

Ted: It's the only song we know with "baby" in it.

Elliot: I want my money back.

Crispin: What money?!

Ted: What? I lost my house. Give me a break.

(Cut to later in the party.)

Elliot: Fun, right? [sighs] No one is mingling! And why are all the morgue guys so cliquey?

Doug: I want yellow.

(Doug trades his red sucker for a yellow one with another morgue guy.)

Keith: I wish I had cool morgue friends. Hey guys!

(Elliot drags Keith away. Carla is opening presents. She is holding a knitted baby sweater. Jordan is mocking the whole proceeding.)

Carla: Oooooooh! Laverne, I didn't know you knit!

Laverne: I sure do. Mr. Roberts doesn't have one pair of store-bought socks. [to Jordan] I am going to knit you a muzzle.

Dr. Cox: [indicating a large stack of presents] Those are all from us.

Jordan: It's just Jack's old baby crap. We're really excited to get rid of all that stuff and watch you guys suffer through the hellish, relationship-ruining nightmare that is the baby phase.

Carla: Aw.

Jordan: Open something.

Dr. Cox: G'head, g'head.

(Turk opens a box and pulls out a pair of polka-dotted pajama pants.)

Dr. Cox: Oh! Those are my workout pants.

Jordan: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Dr. Cox: She's been trying to get rid of them, but I'll be honest with you. I love them because they're so darn comfortable, and boy, can you get 'em on real quick.

(Turk swaps his scrubs for the pajama pants in super-fast motion.)

Turk: Ah. You ain't lying!

Dr. Cox: Ah.

(Turk begins dancing.)

Turk: Baby, check it out. Bam, bam, biggida bam bam...

Carla: Wonderful. Thank you.

(Cut to a sign labeled "baby games." Keith is blindfolded.)

Keith: Why can't we just talk to people?

Elliot: Because, Keith, this is the baby game station. Once we start playing, other people will join us. OK, guess what flavor baby food this is!

(Elliot feeds Keith a spoonful of baby food.)

Keith: Cab driver feet?

Elliot: No, Keith! That's turnips! You got it wrong so you gotta finish the whole jar! You guys, this is so much fun!

(Keith takes another small taste and gags.)

Elliot: Ugh. Where the hell are all your intern friends?

(Cut to Dr. Kelso, surrounded by the inters.)

Dr. Kelso: Listen up, interns. Notice the definition in the upper calf. Look at it, dammit! See that? Back in Nam, the choppers would hover about eight feet over my head and I'd jump in. You should have seen the look on Charlie's face. [to Rex] Not the enemy, son, the pilot, Charlie Norse. Great guy. He didn't make it back. Where's the cake?

Lisa: Eight feet? I don't believe it.

(Dr. Kelso jumps up onto the table.)

Dr. Kelso: Uhhhh...AHH! Believe that, missy!

(Cut to J.D. and Turk.)

J.D.: I have to get ready, man. I want my date with Kim to be perfect. What do you think about a romantic horseback ride on the beach?

Turk: Ooh, like you and I did for your birthday.

J.D.: Yeah, yeah, but except this time with two horses.

Turk: Why not just take her to your deck? You can just lie out, look at the stars?

J.D.: Unfortunately, I can't. My deck has sort of become a cruise-in spot for older, gay gentlemen.

(Flashback. Half-acre. J.D.'s deck and lawn are full of middle-age and elderly men. J.D. chases them out with a broom.)

J.D.: Get off my deck, you old queens! Go! HEY! Whose is this?!

(J.D. holds up a pink flamingo lawn ornament.)

J.D.: Whose is this? You find somewhere else to hang out! I know for a fact Les Mis is in town!

(End flashback.)

J.D.: I tried turning my hose on them, but they liked it.

Turk: Well, if anything, good luck, buddy,

(Cut to the beach, sunset. J.D. walks up the beach with two horses.)

J.D.'s Narration: I didn't need luck because this was going to be the most romantic date ever.

J.D.: Your steed, m'lady.

Kim: J.D.! I've never ridden a horse on the beach before!

(J.D. helps Kim mount a horse.)

J.D.: Upsy-daisy.

Kim: Wow, no saddles. Are you sure you're going to be OK riding bareback?

(J.D. mounts his horse.)

J.D.: No problemo.

J.D.'s Thoughts: What's so hard about riding bareback?

(J.D. and Kim set off at a trot down the beach. Kim is enjoying the ride while J.D. is clearly in agony.)

Kim: Oh, that was amazing! Wasn't that so much fun?

J.D.: Oh, yeah, it was awesome.

(J.D. falls off the horse. Cut to the cafeteria. Carla opens another present. It is a dog kennel.)

Carla: Thank you! Is this for when we buy the baby a dog?

Janitor: No. It's a baby cage! It's a good one, too. See, when I was a kid, mine didn't have these windows. It's perfect. If you want to go out to dinner, there's already, like, a water bottle in there. You just throw some cedar chips in there so the baby can poop and you're made in the shade.

(The guests are speechless.)

Janitor: I'm kidding. It's for when they buy the baby a — a puppy.

Everyone: Ohh! Ahh! Ohh!

(Carla picks up another present.)

Elliot: Ooh! This one's from me and Keith! Oh, he'd be here but he's in the bathroom throwing up summer squash.

(Carla opens it.)

Carla: Oooh!

Elliot: It's a Preggy-Teddy. I got it over at that new maternity lingerie store at the mall. I had a very interesting conversation with the sweet old lady who owns the place. She said not very many pregnant women shop there. It's mostly just fat whores.

Everyone: Oh.

Laverne: I got to get me one of those.

Dr. Cox: Say, Bobbo, do you wanna weigh in on pregnancy sex?

Dr. Kelso: It's a freak show.

Dr. Cox: You've seen an ultrasound? They have eyes, they have hands. How do you think they're going to react to an intruder?

(Dr. Kelso and Dr. Cox make thrusting motions.)

Dr. Kelso & Dr. Cox: UNH!

Turk: The baby can't grab me down there. [to Carla] The baby can't grab me down there.

Carla: No, baby.

(Cut to the beach. J.D. is lying on his back.)

Kim: OK, I called an ambulance, but you should really let me examine you.

J.D.: Oh, no, no, no. The date continues.

Kim: J.D., I'm a urologist and there's a good chance you have testicular torsion. In which case, you could lose a testicle. So, come on. Off with the pants.

(Kim begins examining J.D.)

J.D.: [in pain] Looks like my plan is working.

Kim: All right, testicular function is normal. OK, one is significantly larger than the other.

J.D.: Actually, that's a preexisting condition.

Kim: So the right one's always been bigger?

J.D.: Yes. Wait, your right or stage right?

Kim: Ugh, let me test the retraction.

J.D.: [high pitched] Retract it.

J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, the date's not going as planned, but you can still save it with your legendary gift for small talk.

J.D.: So, you're from Texas, huh? They say that's the Lone Star State. What exactly does that mean?

(Cut to hospital entrance. Jordan and Dr. Cox exit to the parking lot.)

Jordan: My boobs are so big right now. Honestly, I think Dr. Fishman threw in a little something extra when he did my chin.

Dr. Cox: Would you — would like to see something really just beautiful?

Jordan: Mmm.

(Turk and Carla drive by, with the car overflowing with presents.)

Dr. Cox: There goes all of Jacky-boy's baby stuff.

(Janitor walks by on his cell phone.)

Janitor: [on phone] No, Mom! Playpen/baby-cage is not like tomato-tomahto!

(Cut to Elliot's apartment. J.D. is on the couch, icing his groin)

Kim: J.D., I hope you're not beating yourself up about this.

J.D.: Oh, Kim, I'm sorry. I wanted to something fun for our first date.

Kim: No, it was so much more fun than you might think. I mean the first seven or eight minutes rocked! Admittedly, it was a little more like work after that, but at least I got to third base with you.

J.D.'s Narration: And there it was. The moment where pity was turning into genuine affection. Classic Dorian.

J.D.: I feel like we kinda missed first base.

Kim: Me too.

J.D.: Well, maybe we should fix that.

Kim: We should.

(Kim and J.D. lean in to kiss. Elliot enters.)

J.D.'s Narration: And then it happened. Elliot Reid: Moment Killer.

(The subtitle "Elliot Reid: Moment Killer" appears with old machine-gun sound effects. Elliot jumps onto the couch.)

Elliot: What's up, guys? Tell me every detail about the first date.

Kim: We were horseback riding on the beach.

Elliot: Ah, yes, I've been on that date.

Kim: Really?

J.D.: What? I had a coupon.

J.D.'s Narration: I wasn't the only one to have an uninvited guest.

(Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment.)

Jordan: Agh, you know what sucks? I didn't eat any of that crappy shower food and I still feel nauseous. In fact, I've been nauseous for like, two weeks.

(Dr. Cox and Jordan sit up and look at each other in absolute horrified realization. Flashback to earlier.)

Jordan: I've been exhausted all week.

(Cut to hospital hallway.)

Jordan: My boobs are so big right now.

(End flashback. Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment - bathroom. Jordan has just taken a pregnancy test.)

Jordan: Yup. I'm pregnant.

(Dr. Cox opens the door and sees Jack.)

Jack: I pooped in my bed, so I put it on the TV.

(Dr. Cox nods and closes the door.)

Scene 3

Open: Dr. Cox's Apartment.

Dr. Cox: Please forgive me, but since I had a vasectomy last year, nay, two vasectomies, I feel — I feel I just have to ask. Did you cheat on me?

Jordan: No. And you know me. I always tell.

Dr. Cox: Well, that's true. That's pretty much why we work well together.

(Cut to hospital hallway. J.D. takes down a poster of himself with the caption: "Old? Gay? Like decks?"

J.D.: Are you responsible for this?

Janitor: What are you talking about? I'm selling my old mop. The 2007's are in.

(Janitor shows him a sign saying "Mop for sale See Janitor".)

J.D.: Sorry.

(J.D. and Turk exit. Janitor hangs the sign up backwards, which has the picture of J.D. on it. Cut to Nurses' Station.)

Turk: All right. There she is. We spent all morning crafting a line so raw with confidence, that if you pull it off you're back in the game.

J.D.: I'm afraid, mocha bear.

Turk: I know. Buck up.

(Turk pushes J.D. towards Kim.)

J.D.: Hey, Kim.

Kim: Oh, hey, J.D., how are you feeling?

J.D.: Well, uh, the swelling's gone down... for now.

(Suspenseful music plays before it is interrupted by Kim laughing.)

Kim: [laughing] You're an idiot! Ha ha ha!

(Turk high fives an orderly.)

J.D.: Go out with me again tonight.

Kim: Oh, J.D., I would love to, but I'm going to a Neil Diamond concert.

J.D.: With who?

(Elliot enters as before, with the subtitle "Elliot Reid: Moment Killer.)

J.D.'s Narration: Elliot Reid: Moment Killer.

Elliot: What's up?

Kim: Oh, hey girl.

Elliot: Are so you psyched?

Kim: I'm so psyched.

Elliot: Me too.

Turk: [singing] Everywhere around the world, they're coming to America.

(Cut to Admissions Area. Jordan and Dr. Cox enter.)

Dr. Cox: Could I, uh, could I have everybody's attention please? Jordan's pregnant.

Elliot: Oh, you get over here, you!

Jordan: Not a hug moment, sweetie.

Elliot: Right. Yes. No.

Dr. Cox: Mm.

(Dr. Cox takes a pencil and begins pretending to have a conversation with it.)

Dr. Cox: [as pencil] But, Dr. Cox, here I thought you and Jordan were done trying to have any more babies.

Dr. Cox: We were, but my vasectomy didn't take, which apparently is not that uncommon.

Dr. Cox: [as pencil] Holy crap, Dr. Cox. That must have really pissed you off.

Dr. Cox: Yes, it did, actually. What is — what is your name?

Dr. Cox: [as pencil] Oh, I'm any generic hospital worker who happens to ask you a question about your pregnancy and/or baby related issues.

Dr. Cox: Oh, isn't that nice. You're done.

(Dr. Cox violently snaps the pencil in half.)

Dr. Cox: This morality play was made possible by a generous grant from the Just See If I Was Kidding Foundation.

(Turk and Carla enter, laughing.)

Carla: Do you wanna do it or should I?

Turk: Let's just do it together, all right?

Turk & Carla: [in unison] MAAHAAA!!

(They continue laughing.)

Dr. Kelso: That's from the Simpsons.

Elliot: Ahh.

Turk: [laughing hard] I'm gonna have a heart attack.

(Cut to cafeteria.)

Carla: Did you guys hear what Jordan and Dr. Cox did to the guy doctor who botched his vasectomy?

(Flashback to doctor's office. Dr. Cox finishes duct-taping the doctor to his chair.)

Jordan: Go, Ted.

(The Worthless Peons sing the Chili's song, but only the first line.)

Dr. Fulton: [cringing] Don't they ever say ribs?

Dr. Cox: Never. They never say ribs.

(Dr. Cox and Jordan exit. End flashback.)

Turk: I heard ten minutes into it, he started eating his own face.

Carla: He did.

Elliot: Well, you know what J.D.'s got planned since it's his day off and he's dateless?

(Cut to outside. A group of people on scooters are revving their engines.)

J.D.: This is my first scooter rally. Do you want to be Paunch or John?

(Cut to cafeteria.)

Carla: I can imagine what Jordan and Dr. Cox are feeling right now.

(Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment. Dr. Cox and Jordan are downtrodden.)

Jordan: Do you really think we can handle this?

Dr. Cox: I don't know.

Elliot's Voiceover: I can totally picture J.D., too.

(J.D. arrives at his half-acre, alone. His cell phone rings. He answers it.)

J.D.: [on phone] Oh, hey, Mom. No, I'm just hanging out alone tonight. I just didn't really have anything else to do.

(Cut to cafeteria. Carla, Turk and Elliot look miserable. Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment. Someone knocks on the door. It is Turk and Carla, in front of a pile of presents.)

Carla: We want to give you your stuff back.

Dr. Cox: We don't feel like dealing with that stuff right now.

(Turk holds up a pair of psychedelic pajama pants.)

Turk: How about now?

(Dr. Cox snatches the pants from Turk.)

Dr. Cox: Mm. Come on in.

Carla: Hmm.

(Cut to half-acre. J.D. is cleaning up.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: Ugh, I hate cleaning up after those messy, old queens.

(He picks up a drink.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: Ooh, appletini. When did they start drinking straight-guy drinks? Mmm. It's fresh.

(J.D. takes a sip, before being interrupted by Elliot and Kim.)

Kim: What's up, chicken butt?

(J.D. hastily drops the drink.)

J.D.: Hey, Kim. What happened to Neil Diamond?

Elliot: I haven't seen Keith in a while, so I'm gonna take him instead. Kim's letting me off the hook.

J.D.: [silently] Thank you.

Elliot: [silently] You're welcome.

(Elliot exits. J.D. sits on a deck chair next to Kim.)

J.D.: What's up?

Kim: Nothing.

J.D.'s Narration: It seems like good friends always come through for you.

(Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment. Both Turk and Dr. Cox are wearing their pajama pants.)

Turk: You like it?

Dr. Cox: Yeah, I like it. I can wear 'em out to dinner. [to Jordan] With a sports jacket?

Jordan: No.

Dr. Cox: Oh.

(Carla enters with a chair.)

Carla: It's OK, don't get up, I got it. Uhh!

Turk: OK.

Carla: It's only your child. Look. I feel like I can give you a list of things that are sucky about being pregnant. For starters, I am now horny as I've ever been and my husband is repulsed by me.

Turk: Listen, if you really need it that badly, I will suck it up and shut my eyes so tight and then do you.

Carla: Thank you for the sacrifice.

Turk: It's because I love you.

Carla: My point is, even with all that crap, I'm sure it's all been worth it. I've seen how happy having Jack has made you two. And yeah, I know it's been hard, but I know that neither one of you regret any of it.

(Turk picks something up.)

Turk: What the hell is this thing?

Dr. Cox: That's Jack's mobile. Actually, it's his third mobile. The first two were deeply embedded in the drywall. They can be quite frustrating to assemble.

Jordan: Do you remember when he was teething and he would stare at that thing for hours?

Dr. Cox: Yep.

Turk: Why does your TV smell like doodoo?

(Cut to half-acre.)

J.D.: So what do you want to do tonight?

Kim: Why don't we just hang here and look at the stars until we're comfortable to make out a little?

J.D.: OK. I'm cool with that.

(After a pause, J.D. rolls over to kiss her.)

Kim: Not yet.

J.D.: OK, you let me know.

J.D.'s Narration: And like that, I felt like all was right with the couples in the world.

(Cut to Elliot's apartment. Elliot is in her concert attire, opening up some beers for her and Keith. They toast and then kiss. Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Carla, in her new lingerie, lights some candles and lies down next to Turk. They start to kiss. Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment. Dr. Cox picks up a large stuffed snake and teases Jordan with it. She wrestles the snake from him and they cuddle. Cut to half-acre.)

Kim: OK, now.

(Kim and J.D. kiss.)

J.D.'s Narration: And right then, I knew this was the start of something important.

(The camera pans out to show them surrounded by couples of old men.)