Épisode Mon café S06E03 - Scrubs Saison 6

KIM'S APARTMENT -- BEDROOM -- VERY EARLY MORNING
In her sleep, Kim turns over and cuddles up to J.D., who is barely awake.

J.D.'s Narration: It was a day of discovery. I discovered that I could sex my pregnant girlfriend into a coma.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Nice!

Cut to...
HOSPITAL -- CARLA'S ROOM
Turk stands at the bedside, watching proudly as Carla tends their new baby.

J.D.'s Narration: Carla discovered that her baby wasn't the only one who loved breast feeding.

Carla: Ohhh, are you hungry, sweetie?

Todd is revealed to be standing on the other side of her bed.

Todd: I could eat.

Cut to...
COFFEE BUCKS
Dr. Kelso exits the establishment with his to-go cup in hand. He gazes up at the sign and we see the coffee place is built right onto the side of the hospital.

J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Kelso discovered change was not always welcome.

Dr. Cox comes up behind Kelso.

Dr. Cox: A coffee place in a hospital? What's next, Bob, an ice cream parlor in the morgue? Admittedly not a horrible idea, seeing as the freezers are already down there, plus it'll be a perfect place for kids -- one of our famous vanilla malteds definitely takes the sting out of having to identify the freshly charred remains of your father!

Dr. Kelso: Nobody else seems to mind.

He gestures at the large queue of people lined up waiting to get in the door of the coffee place.
The camera zooms down the long line to the midpoint, where Ted gazes up at the scorching sun.

Ted: I should'a worn sunblock.

The camera zooms down a bit further, where a guy in a Darth Vader costume taps the shoulder of the woman ahead of him.

Darth Vader: Did you get tickets yet?

The camera zooms down to the end of the line, where Dr. Mickhead glances to his side, spotting a second coffee place that has sprung up.

Dr. Mickhead: Ah! Another one!

He slips in, and when the people in line ahead of him notice, they turn, starting another line at the new door.

The camera zips back down to the line's midpoint, where Ted finds all the people ahead of him still waiting in line at the first Coffee Bucks, and all the people behind him turned to wait in line for the new one.

Ted: Awwwww. Now I'm at the end of both lines.

Cut to...
COFFEE BUCKS -- INTERIOR
Turk, Elliot, and Kim share a table.
J.D. pushes his way past the line to enter.

J.D.'s Narration: Still, the best discovery was learning that someone I drummed out of medicine had landed on his feet.

J.D.: [Pushing a woman back] Frontsies!
CABBAGE!

Jason "Cabbage" Cabbaggio is revealed to be a Coffee Bucks employee.

Jason: [Handing J.D. a cup] Hey, Dr. D.

J.D.: [Takes a sip] Mmm. That's what we call "Cabbage-tastic."

Jason: Oh, I love this job -- I screw up, nobody gets hurt. Except Cindy.
[The barista waves her bandaged hand.]
I scalded her pretty bad with some steamed milk -- you could see the bone.

J.D.: Eww. How about a second of that dynamite ape impression.

Jason complies, beating his chest and blowing lippy raspberries.
J.D. digs it until, lost in the moment, Jason whacks the cup of coffee out of Cindy's hand.

J.D.: I'm sorry, Cindy, once he's in monkey mode, you can't stop him. But who would want to, right? Cheers.

He takes his cup over to his friends' table and grabs a seat.

J.D.: Hey, Kim! Just checkin' to see if your socks are back on, since I knocked 'em off last night! Helloooooo!
What am I doing? You're the mother of my child. That is so tacky.

Turk: And so is this: Way to hit that, player!

J.D.: Right? [They high-five.] Zoom --

Turk: -- Zoom --

J.D.: -- Zoooom!

Turk: [Giggles.] So sorry.

Kim: Relax, it's just sex. We should be able to talk about it.

Turk: I'm not telling Isabella she's got a vagina till she turns eighteen.

Kim: That's gonna be an awkward birthday party.

Turk: Do not tell my daughter she has a vagina! I'm serious! [Pointing threateningly at each of them] Hm!? Hm!? Hmm!?!

J.D.: It may have already come up.

Elliot: Kim, uh, J.D. tells us that you're looking around town for a new job?

Kim: Yeah, I just don't think the department head here is ever gonna promote me.

Elliot: Why?

***FLASHBACK***
RITZY APARTMENT -- EVENING
Kim and J.D. have been invited to a lavish party, where they sit together at the apartment's grand piano.

Kim: [Calling her boss and his wife over] Dr. Lemke! You're gonna love this. We're a husband and wife piano playing team, only I have no hands!

J.D. plays the accompaniment of "Heart and Soul" as Kim holds her hands behind her back and pecks out the melody of the song with her forehead.
After a few bars, they stop, laughing.

Kim: [Laughing] With my head!

J.D.: [Laughing] How great is that!

Dr. Lemke: [Unamused] This is my wife, Sally. [Sally holds up her hands, devoid of thumbs.] She lost her thumbs last month when our pet Komodo dragon, Morty, got out of his cage.

He glares at the large tank across the room, where Morty hisses.

J.D.: On the bright side, you have beautiful nubs.

Kim nods.

***BACK TO PRESENT***

Behind the gang's table, Dr. Cox approaches the counter and lift's the tip jar.

Dr. Cox: A tip jar. Really? So what am I supposed to do, just duke you my change because you poured hot water through beans? Well, I'll tell you what, my friend, unless you're also planning on giving me a complimentary reach-around with my beverage, I'm afraid the answer is yeah...no! Here's a--here's a novel idea: Why don't you go fetch me a very large cup of coffee with so damn many fake sugars in it, that the coffee itself gets cancer. [Grumbles and walks around to the side to wait.]

Elliot: Guys, guys, I got a good one. Is it me, or does--

All: [Monotone] "...someone need to switch to decaf?"

Turk: Lay off of Elliot. She doesn't watch as much old TV as we do.

Elliot: You actually stood up for me! But, now I'm forced to ask--

All: "...who are you? And what have you done with Turk?"

Elliot: [Shrieky] STOP FINISHING MY AWESOME JOKES!

J.D.: [Holding ears] Oh, my God!

===
OPENING THEME
COMMERCIALS
===

CARLA'S ROOM
Turk, J.D., Elliot, and Ted are gathered around Carla's bed, watching her cuddle the baby.

Ted: She's so beautiful. Can I hold her?

Carla: That's up to Turk. He's kinda paranoid about people dropping her.

Turk raises a small yellow ball, alerting Ted to the challenge. He whips the ball at Ted, who handily snatches it. He tosses the ball back.

Turk: Yeah, you got decent hands. Go ahead.

J.D.: I get her first because we're best friends. [Handing off his cup of coffee] Elliot. Ted, give it!

J.D. takes the baby in his arms as Elliot watches over his shoulder.

Elliot: [Giggles.] Ooh, I'm next.
[They all look at her.]
What?

Turk: You drop everything.

Elliot: When do I-- [Drops her coffee.] Besides now. Look, come on, it is a human life -- I'll focus. [Prepares to catch the ball] Give it to me! Right here!
[Turk whips the ball right at her open hand, but it bounces off, knocking the coffee cup out of her other hand, causing Elliot to shriek and fall to the floor. The ball ricochets, busting a flower vase, and snapping right back into Turk's waiting hand.]
[From the floor, raising a finger] Wait! One moresie!

J.D.: [Handing the baby back] So, Carla, how much time do you think you'll take off?

Carla: Ohhh, look at this little angel. I may never go back to work.

Ted slurps the end of his iced coffee through a straw.

Todd: [Rushing in] I heard suckling.

===

I.C.U. -- OBSERVATION ROOM
Elliot enters, reading the silver-haired patient's chart.

Elliot: So, you're having chest pains, Mr. Turner.

Dr. Turner: Actually, it's Dr. Turner.

Elliot: You look like someone I used to date. I had a brief older guy jones, but now I'm with someone more age-appropriate -- and I'm like, Eww, what was I thinking?

Dr. Turner: Mm. We are disgusting.

Elliot: Yeah, but for some reason I was curious. Anyhoo, uh, we'll just run the usual tests.

Dr. Turner: Sounds good.

Cut to...
I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION
Elliot exits the room and approaches the Station, where Dr. Cox is standing.

Elliot: Dr. Turner seems like a nice guy. And he's hot -- you know, like if...you left Brad Pitt out in the sun forever.... Stop it, Elliot! It took you months to get over that old man fetish!

Dr. Cox: [Snaps] Blondie! He is private practice. Those guys are cocky jackasses who don't give two shakes about anybody else's opinion but their own. They're...they're me, with one addendum: They're whores. And I'm not talking about the good kind of whores like my ex-wife. They're whores for money.

Elliot: [Noticing a jar on the desk] Is that a tip jar?

Dr. Cox: [Grabbing it protectively] Look...I'm figurin' if those lumps down at the coffee shop can have one, I can, too. Listen to me. You may like Turner right now, but he is a doctor, and doctors make terrible patients -- sooner or later, they all try to treat themselves.

Elliot leaves, and Dr. Kelso arrives.

Dr. Kelso: Perry, a quick word--

Dr. Cox: Bobbo! No time! Gotta go tell Mr. Clancy that his tumor is benign. Is that not exciting? Should be worth a finski -- whatta ya think?

He goes off. Kelso turns to notice a small group of representative maintenance and cafeteria staff standing before him, headed by The Janitor.

Dr. Kelso: Where the hell did you all come from?

Janitor: Sneak attack. You can put your shoes on again, guys. Nice work.
[They all bend down to do so.]
Dr. Kelso, as spokesman for the support staff of this hospital, I have a request.

Dr. Kelso: I do not want to hear any more about a college scholarship fund. Stop filling your children's heads with nonsense! Pull them out of high school and teach them a trade like plumbing or undertaking!

Janitor: None of us here even have kids, except for Margo, and she sold hers.
We want a dental plan.

Dr. Kelso: Dental is for old people. You young bucks have years before you have to worry about your choppers.

Janitor: One, two... [They grab their front teeth...and pull] Ahhh!

They each hold out their harvest.

Dr. Kelso: Lovely. No.

He turns and leaves.

Janitor: Aw.
[Noticing his colleague's bloody mouth] Rudy? Did you tear an actual tooth outta your head? We were all fakin' it, man! What are you-- Okay, don't worry. You know what? I got a jar of monkey teeth in my workbench -- what's that, molar? -- we're gonna be all right.

===

PARK -- BASKETBALL COURT
Having a Coffee Bucks where their old Sacred Heart parking lot hoop used to be, Turk and J.D. now play here. Turk tosses the ball at the guys still on the court as he and J.D. leave.

J.D.: Man, we got smoked. That's what we get for playing a bunch of Gs from the 'hood.

Turk: Those guys are Indian.

J.D.: [Glances back at them] So "Rajesh" isn't one of those cool black homely names like "Anforny"?

Turk: No, "Rajesh" is like "Steve" in India.

J.D.: Ohh!

Turk: Yeah.
[J.D. veers off.]
Why are we stopping?

J.D.: [Gesturing at the confection stand] You always buy me a cotton candy after the game to celebrate my good sportsmanship.

Turk: Yeah, well, you know what? I can't be buying you stuff all the time!

J.D.: Yeah, well, I'm very close to a tantrum.

One of their Indian b-ball opponents comes over to them.

Vijay: [Holding his shoulder] Could you guys look at my shoulder? I tweaked it pretty good.

J.D.: Come on, Vijay, first you dunk on me and yell, [Indian accent] "Who's your bitch!" -- now you want free medical advice?
[To Turk] How did I not know these guys were Indian?

Vijay: [Holding up a bill] I'll give you twenty bucks.

J.D.: I'm sorry, my friend, but that's just not ethical.

Turk: [Grabbing the money] Done and done!

===

DR. TURNER'S ROOM
Elliot enters, noticing a man next to Turner's bed.

Elliot: [Clears throat.] Uh, heh, who's the new guy?

Dr. Turner: Oh, this is Dr. Kershnar from my practice. [To Kershnar] Elliot Reid, I was telling you about. Give her a wave. [Kershnar does.] Atta boy.
[Back to Elliot] So?

Elliot: Look, as a doctor, I know that you're gonna be tempted to wanna treat yourself, and I just want you to know that's not gonna fly with me.

Dr. Turner: Understood.

Elliot: Great. Now, I believe that surgery on your abdominal aortic aneurysm's gonna be too aggressive -- I'd like to start you on twenty-five grams of Lopressor.

Dr. Turner: Don't you mean twenty-five milligrams?

Elliot: There! See? You're already trying to treat yourself! That was a test.

Dr. Turner: But twenty-five grams would kill me.

Elliot: I know. But i-i-it's still a test.

Dr. Turner: Fine. From now on, you're the doctor.

===

PARK
Turk tests Vijay's shoulder's range of motion.

Vijay: [Pained] Ahh!

Turk: All right, relax, you're fine. Just ice it when you get home.
[Vijay goes off and Turk turns to J.D., showing off his scored twenty.]
Zooop!

J.D.: [Hushed] Put that away, Turk! That's back-alley money!

Turk: Relax!

Cotton Candy Vendor: Hey. I'll give you twenty bucks if you check out my rash.

J.D.: I'm sorry, cotton candy man, but unlike my friend, here, I have no interest in being sued for-- Do I smell blue?

Cotton Candy Vendor: [Smiling] Just added the dye.

J.D.: Ohhhhh! You crafty, crafty man -- that is fluffing up nicely. [To Turk] Hey, give me some money, I'm jonesing for some c-squared.

Turk: Oh, you don't want my back-alley money, do you?

J.D.: You heartless bastard. [Taking the man's proffered twenty] All right, let's see your disgusting rash.
[The guy lifts his shirt.]
It's probably just eczema. [Handing back the twenty] One blue, please!

===

COFFEE BUCKS
Kelso stares into the muffin display, the glass all steamed up. He wipes the condensation away and presses his nose back against the glass.

Dr. Kelso: I'd like to see the blueberry again.
Mmmmm. [Jason hands him one and he tastes it.] Blueberries taste fresh. Hint of lemon zest -- I'm intrigued. [Noticing the crumbs] And unfortunately processed flour. No thank you.
Let me try your carrot.

Jason hands him the muffin and goes off to fill a coffee order.
Kelso takes the opportunity to run off with both his samples.

Jason: I've a non-fat latte with room for Schnapps for Janitor?

Janitor: [Approaching the counter, unscrewing the top of his flask] Yep, thank you.
[Noticing Jason's smile] Nice braces.

Jason: Yeah.

Janitor:: You're not worried about, uh, spider monkeys?

Jason: Spider monkeys?

Janitor: Spider monkeys see intricate metal work as a display of dominance. It's a threat to them -- they'd tear your eyes out.

Jason: Well, I'm just psyched this place is paying for 'em.

Janitor: You get dental?

Jason: [Nodding] Mm-hmm.

===

I.C.U. -- NURSES STATION
Dr. Cox is counting the pull from his tip jar as Elliot approaches.

Elliot: Hmm...so, uh, Dr. Turner said that I am a very talented young physician.

Dr. Cox: Jordan said I'm the only man she ever wants to have sex with!

Elliot: [Confused] Oohhh.

Dr. Cox: Aren't we sharing fantastic lies we choose to believe for personal reasons?

Elliot: He's actually a very deferential patient. Instead of surgery, I'm treating his AAA with drugs.

Dr. Cox: D'oh!(?) [Taking the man's chart from a staffer] Thank you! Dr. Chatterbox there [pointing over at Kershnar] scheduled him for...surgery.

Elliot: What the hell, Kersh!

Dr. Cox and Elliot disperse.
J.D. and Turk enter.

J.D.: [Sighs] I don't care if we had extra coffee money left over -- I don't feel right taking that guy's cash.

Turk: Dude, stop stressing. See you later.

He tosses his empty coffee cup at a nearby garbage can as he leaves.
Dr. Kelso exits the patient observation room next to the can, as Turk's cup tumbles off the overflowing can to his feet.

Dr. Kelso: Is anybody planning on emptying that?

J.D. glances over at the similarly overflowing wastebasket behind him.
Dr. Kelso storms off.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Sometimes everything you need to know is on the side of a coffee cup.
[Reading his cup] "Never underestimate those around you...or they may betray you..."

Cut to...
COFFEE BUCKS
Kelso enters, finding Janitor and his support staff cronies behind the counter in visors and aprons.

Janitor: Greetings, customer! What can I get you?

Kelso starts to speak, then just sighs.

Cut to...
I.C.U.
J.D. walks through, still reading his cup.

J.D.'s Thoughts: "...they may deceive you..."

He passes Dr. Cox and Elliot, who rush in to...
TURNER'S ROOM

Dr. Cox: And here we are. Even though Kershnar's signature is on the chart, this is the gentleman [re: Turner] who ordered the surgery.

Elliot: No, he didn't. Tell him.

Dr. Turner: What would you like me to say?

Dr. Cox: [Giddy] I'm just gonna go ahead and tip myself for calling this one! [Shoves a bill into his tip jar] Thank you, me!

Cut to...
FIRST FLOOR HALL
J.D. walks through, still reading his cup.

J.D.'s Thoughts: "In the end, those same people will make you wish you'd never met them."

Some paramedics bust through the doors, pushing a man on a gurney.
As they pass, J.D. notices the unconscious man being wheeled in is the cotton candy vendor.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Maybe that wasn't just a rash on cotton candy man.

===
COMMERCIALS
===

HALL
Kim gives J.D. a kiss before heading back to work.

J.D.'s Narration: I didn't tell Kim about how I most likely ruined my career by misdiagnosing the cotton candy man. I don't like to be a burden to the people I care about.

Follow to...
CARLA'S ROOM
J.D. enters to find Turk with Carla and the baby.

J.D.: Turk. I need you, and I need you now.

Carla: Isabella, this is the man you'll be competing with for your father's love.

J.D.: Goochie-goochie-goo. Turk. Now.

He rushes back out.

Turk: Babe, he's using his emergency tone.

Carla: Go ahead. I have to feed her anyway.
[Turk leaves.]
Ugh, my breasts are so sore. I wish I could just give you formula.

Todd: [Whispering from...somewhere] Formula's bad for the baby. Boob milk's healthier!

Carla looks around, confused.

===

I.C.U.
Turk and J.D. walk through.

J.D.: His rash is probably purpura from disseminated intravascular coagulopathy, and I missed it, Turk. I'm screwed!
[Turk zips into the room where the man is being treated and shuts the door.]
Okay, you--you go in there and take care of things. I'll...I'll just stand out here and think about all the things I'll miss about being a doctor. The light cotton outfits...the free gauze....

Turk comes back out.

Turk: He's gone.
[J.D. looks horrified.]
Somebody shot him.

J.D.: Ohhh. I hope it wasn't the corn-dog guy. They never got along.

Turk pointedly walks off.

===

DR. TURNER'S ROOM
Elliot is in here with Turner and Kershnar.

Elliot: Look, Dr. Turner, you're older, you're not in the best health -- I really think that this surgery could kill you.

Dr. Turner: Are they gonna come in and shave me soon?

Elliot: I'm still your primary physician.

Dr. Turner: No, Kershnar's my lead now.

Dr. Kershnar: [Reading from a card] I think surgery is the right choice.

Elliot: Did you give him cue cards?

Dr. Turner: That way he gets it exactly right.

===

COFFEE BUCKS
Dr. Kelso approaches Janitor at the counter.

Dr. Kelso: You don't scare me. Eventually, you will all come crawling back. Now, how about somebody gets me a banana-nut muffin, and hold the spit, please.

Janitor: As manager, I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.

Dr. Kelso: Manager? You have worked here one day.

Janitor: Corporate loved my ingenuity. I was saying, the two most addictive substances on earth are caffeine and...[holds up a cigarette] nicotine! Behold. [Hums as he splits the stick, emptying the leaves into a cup of coffee] Smokachino! For Kyle. Kyle! Smokachino for Kyle! Enjoy that.
[Hands the cup to a kid with dark circles under his eyes, who happily slurps the twisted beverage.]
That's as tall as he's gonna get.

Kelso looks at Janitor incredulously.

===

HALL
Turk and J.D. walk through.

J.D.: I feel like I dodged a bullet. Trust me, Brown Bear, you don't want this hanging over your head. Find Vijay and give him his twenty bucks back.

Turk: Yeah, but then I'd have to give the money back to all the others.
[J.D. shoots him a look.]
I kinda did a few diagnoses at the mall yesterday.

J.D.: [Stopping] Are you crazy? You could get sued! Secondly, I can't believe you went to the mall without me -- I specifically told you I needed to buy loafers.
And thirdly, how could you go to the mall without me? That's our thing!

Turk: Well, I don't see you giving the money back to cotton candy man!

J.D.: As a matter of fact, I already did.

Meanwhile...
MORGUE
Doug approaches the body, finding the twenty dollar bill wedged between the man's fingers.

Doug: A twenty! Score!
[Pockets the dough.] [Noticing the man's Hawaiian shirt] ...Cool shirt...!

Meanwhile...
HALL

Turk: All right, I earned that money, and I'm not giving it back, and there's nothing you can do to make me.

Flash to...
CARLA'S ROOM
Turk and J.D. are here with Carla and the baby.

Carla: Give those people their money back!

Turk: [To J.D.] I can't believe you told!

J.D.: Turk, we're doctors. We live by a moral code.

Doug enters wearing the cotton candy man's Hawaiian shirt.

Doug: Aloha! I came to see the little kahuna!

===

COFFEE BUCKS
Dr. Cox approaches Janitor at the counter.

Dr. Cox: Giant coffee.

Janitor: Saw you coming. [Hands him a cup] Here's your vente drip.
[Holds up a CD that's also for sale] Say, how 'bout a Corinne Bailey Ray CD. With her stripped-down sound and chilled-out vibe, this British soul superstar is one of the year's hottest newcomers.

Dr. Cox: You know what -- I'll take one of those.

He hands over some cash, which Janitor takes for the CD.

Janitor: It's a sale.

Elliot arrives next to Cox.

Elliot: You know the worst thing about Turner's surgery? I'm gonna be right, but...he's gonna die. It'll be a hollow victory.

Dr. Cox: If I got to be right and have a private practice doctor die due to his own idiocy, I would call that a pretty full victory.

He walks off.
Meanwhile, Dr. Kelso approaches Jason on the other end of the counter, near the muffin display.

Dr. Kelso: Banana-nut muffin, please.

Jason: Sir, I've been told not to serve you.

Jason goes back to work, leaving Kelso to dejectedly crouch down to stare at the forbidden muffins.
Has hunger made him delirious? One of the muffins has little googly eyes and starts speaking from a slit at the seam of its top.

Muffin: Hey, just take me. What are they gonna do, put you in jail? You're Bob Kelso! Just grab me and run! Do it!
[Kelso reaches for the muffin but is stopped by the glass barrier.]
Hee hee hee hee heeeee!

Beat, Kelso stands and leaves.
Janitor stands from his crouched position behind the counter, holding the little googly-eyed muffin.

Janitor: [Puppeting the muffin] "Yaaay!" [To his staff] All right, I'm going on break. Don't touch the muffin puppet.

He sets it down and walks off.

===

HOSPITAL -- I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION
Turk is writing in a chart as J.D. pokes his head out from his hiding place behind a far end of the desk.

J.D.: Let's see if you're qualified to hold your own baby.

Turk furrows his brow as J.D. whips the little baby-holding-tester-ball at Turk. He misses, hitting a passing Elliot instead.
She falls to the floor with a shriek, dousing herself in the coffee she was carrying.
But! The ball falls right into her hand.

Elliot: I caught it! That counts!
[Stands.] I'm gonna go hold the crap outta that baby!

She heads off towards Carla's room.

Turk: J.D., what the hell! I'm a surgeon -- that coulda hit my hand!

J.D.: Why are you being so weird lately? You won't loan me money for cotton candy, you're charging strangers for medical advice, and now you're worried about your hand? Who are you?

The camera reveals a bunch of staffers at the desk.

All: "...and what did you do with Turk?"

J.D.: Great work, everybody! Thank you!
[Gives them a thumb's-up then turns back to Turk] I asked them to help me out for emphasis.
Seriously, what's going on?

Turk: You saw what happened yesterday.

***FLASHBACK***
CARLA'S ROOM
She cuddles the baby.

Carla: Ohhh, look at this little angel. I may never go back to work.

Next to her, an expression of worry collects on Turk's face.

***BACK TO PRESENT***

We fade to the same expression on Turk's face as he remembers the incident.

Turk: How the hell am I supposed to take care of a whole family by myself?

===

DR. TURNER'S ROOM
Elliot enters to find Cox at the bedside, the sheet drawn up over the man's head. Her face falls.

Dr. Cox: I'm so sorry, Barbie.

Elliot: Why didn't he listen?

Dr. Turner: [Popping up] Haaaaaahhhhhh!

Elliot: [Screaming] Aaaaagggghhhh! OH!

Dr. Cox laughs.

Elliot: I thought that you hated him.

Dr. Cox: Ah, when it comes to torturing you, everybody's on the same page.

Dr. Turner: You know, Reid, you had the cojones to stand up to me, unlike Kershnar, [looks through the window at Kershnar looking in] whom I've so demoralized he's basically my trained chimp.
[He waves at Kershnar, who waves back, mimicking Turner's hand movements exactly. Testing, Turner scratches his head, and Kershnar even mimics that.]
Hmm... He's almost human.
Anyway, I've got enough yes-men. You've got a spine. Join my practice. You can still work out of this hospital, the only difference is you'd make double the money.

Dr. Cox: Easy, buddy. That smell burning your nostrils isn't just the baby throw-up on her jacket --

Elliot: Oh, uh, I got to hold Isabella. She squirted out of my arms, but Carla caught her.

Dr. Cox: -- it's the smell of a doctor with integrity.

Dr. Turner: Also, you'll never have to answer to this guy again.

She considers it heavily.
Lifehouse's "All in All" comes up.

Meanwhile...
DOCTORS' LOUNGE
Turk sits on the couch, lost in thought as he drains the end of his cup of coffee.

♪ Standin' on top of the edge it feels like it's goin' down ♪
♪ Everything stays in my mind feeling in a daze on the ground ♪

As Turk sets his empty cup down, J.D. hands him a fresh cup and takes a seat on the other couch.

Turk: Wow, I got a family.

J.D.: I know. In seven months, I'm gonna have a family, too.
[Shakes his head in disbelief.] Did you ever think we'd be here back when we were freshmen in college? Remember that first week when I found you hooking up with my girlfriend, and you said you guys were only naked underneath the covers because you'd had a water-balloon fight and you were cold?

Turk: J.D., for the last time, nothing happened.

J.D.: Please, this isn't about that. It's just that I looked all over, I never found any balloons. You'd think there'd be some balloons.

Turk: I look at Isabella, and I get really scared. And I'm gonna need you to be there to help me through this.

J.D.: Well that sucks, 'cause I was counting on you to make it look easy so I know I can handle it when my turn comes.

Turk: Awesome.

J.D.: Turk, you're at the beginning of your career. You know you're gonna make plenty of money.

Turk: It's good to hear that from you, thank you.

J.D.: You're gonna be just fine.

Turk: I suppose so.

J.D.: ...Totally fine.

Turk: Yeah.

J.D.: Would you mind telling me that I'm gonna be fine, Turk? Am I gonna be fine? I think I'm gonna be fine!

Turk: Well, I would, but I don't know how much you like Kim.

J.D.: I really like her.

Turk: Then you're gonna be fine.

J.D.: Thanks.
Is there anything else you wanna...tell me, or admit to?
I mean, I looked everywhere, there was...no signs of balloons.

J.D.'s Narration: Opportunities are everywhere...

Meanwhile...
COFFEE BUCKS EXTERIOR
Dr. Kelso is waiting outside as Janitor exits to go home.

J.D.'s Narration: ...Whether it's accepting an old job...

Dr. Kelso: Hey.
You can have your dental.

Janitor smiles, chuckling and nodding.

Dr. Kelso: [Hands him a broom] Now clean up this mess.

Janitor's smiles fades at the sight of the parking lot littered with tons of discarded coffee cups.

Meanwhile...
I.C.U.
Kershnar pushes Dr. Turner's wheelchair out to take the man home.

J.D.'s Narration: ...or taking a new job.

Elliot stops them.

Elliot: I'd...like to join your practice.

Turner nods and they continue out.
Next to Elliot, Dr. Cox rolls his eyes.

Meanwhile...
FIRST FLOOR HALL
J.D. and Kim step off the elevator, ready to go home.

J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I was just excited to have the opportunity to get to know the mother of my child better.

Kim: I got offered a new job.

J.D.: Cool! Is it over at County? 'Cause that way I can drop you off every morning.

Kim: It's in Tacoma, Washington.

J.D.: [Stops, floored] Oh. That's gonna be a little rough on my scooter.

♪ It's goin' on, goin' on today ♪

The song fades.
Fade to black.