Épisode Ma fausse fausse-couche S06E20

J.D : Now that Elliot had accepted Keith's proposal, it was time to start planning the wedding.

Elliot : Okay, so I took a picture of the church that we're gonna be married in. Only imagine that the hearse out front is actually a horse and a carriage, and the people in the coffins are us.

Keith : You already picked the church?

Elliot : Yeah, I've reserved it for the third weekend in July every year since I was 19. When I tell Father O'Neill that I actually need it this time, he is going to crap a Communion cracker. Now, being that it's already May, we have to decide if we want to get married in two months, or a year and two months.

J.D : Women tend to hear one thing when men offer them wedding advice. So when Keith said this...

Keith : Elliot, two months isn't enough time to plan a wedding.

J.D : Elliot heard this...

[Keith : Go ahead, do whatever you want, regardless of what I say.]

Elliot : Great. Two months it is.

J.D : God, I can't stop thinking about Elliot.

Turk : Dude, it's over, okay? You guys had your chance. She crushed you, you crushed her. It was always a train wreck.

J.D : That was then.

Turk : What's so different now?

J.D : She's getting married. I don't know, I guess, in the back of my head, I thought even after all the hell we'd put each other through, we might end up together, you know?

Turk : Yeah.

J.D : I mean, what if not being with Elliot is the biggest mistake of my life?

Turk : You've made bigger mistakes.

[Man on pone : For tickets to see Basic Instinct 2, press the pound key.]

J.D : That one still stings.

Turk : Yeah, she didn't even show her va-jay-jay.

J.D : It's on the DVD extras. It's labeled "vagina."

Turk : Look, hey, I'm going to Phoenix this weekend for a surgical conference. Why don't you come with me? Probably take your mind off of Elliot.

J.D : I don't know, Turk. Would I get my own room?

Turk : We'd have to share. Then you know what my answer is.

Turk : On our way to Phoenix, yeah!

(WHOOPING)

J.D : Hey, you know how in the movies, when a car gets farther and farther away, you can still hear the people talking like we're right in front of the camera?

Turk : Yeah, that drives me crazy.

J.D : Hey, I bought snacks for the trip. Pringle? Oh, turn left here to get on the freeway.

Turk : No, not yet. I gotta stop and go pee.

J.D : Already? I told you to go before we left.

Turk : All right, time to hit the convention floor. You got your name tag?

J.D : Yes, I do!

Turk : Me, too.

J.D : What's all the extra security around here?

Patrick : Every year, the same group of rowdy doctors arrive and all they do is drink, hit on women and trash the place. Oh, God, here they are now.

Kelso : What up, Phoenix? That's what I like about the South. Hey, there, Patrick! Good to see you again, man. Fetch!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Medecin : Oh, Bob. Would you hit that, huh?

Kelso : What are you, stoned? I wouldn't hit that with Staddlemeyer's dong. Out of my way, boys. Me and my fellow Chiefs of Medicine are gonna tear this b1tch up!

Turk : One of those dudes is gonna die this weekend. Come on, let's go get your mind off Elliot.

J.D : It's not that easy to... Oh, my God. Is that who I think it is?

Turk : Yup, Old MC. I was saving that as a surprise.

J.D : He's only the best Young MC impersonator on the circuit. The man's a genius. Let's get him to say, "Bust a move."

Turk : Dude, the guy spends year after year on the convention circuit saying that line. I'm pretty sure he's sick and tired of saying it. You're probably right.

Old MC. : Bust a move, man! Hey, bust a move! Bust a move, fellas!

(WHOOPING)

J.D : You bust a move! It's Old Young MC.

Turk : Check me!

J.D : Bust a move! You're the one who should be busting moves! I can die now.

J.D : Elliot was wasting no time spreading the word about her wedding.

Elliot : July 21 st, save the date. July 21 st, save the date. Oh, July 21 st, save the date. How's it going?

Carla : Okay, as your maid of honor, I have to say that two months is not enough time to plan a wedding. Wait. I just realized. You haven't even asked me to be your maid of honor yet.

Elliot : Oh, my God, Carla, I've been so busy, I just assumed you knew that you were. Carla, will you be my maid of honor?

Carla : Of course I will, you're my best friend.

Elliot : I love you.

Carla : I love you back! But seriously, do you realize how much work goes into planning a wedding?

Elliot : Yeah. What do you think I've been doing for the last 10 years? See? It's all in here. There's the seating chart, and the photographer that I reserve every year under a different alias. Oh, and here's a photo of my wedding dress, which I am totally going to fit into thanks to that awesome parasite I got from eating sushi.

Janitor : Hey, everyone. I've been looking for a new role-playing game ever since my Lord of the Rings club booted me for using an actual war hammer. So would anybody mind if I pretended to be the Chief of Medicine while Kelso's out of town?

All : Oh, Janitor, you're a natural. That's fine.

Janitor : Fantastic. Let's make cancer feel foolish.

Elliot : Oh, save the date.

Cox : Oh, gosh. July 21? That's gonna be a problem.

Elliot : Why?

Cox : Because I wouldn't go to your wedding if it was held in my very own backyard.

Jordan : Hey, can I bring a date? Oh, what am I thinking? I'll meet someone there.

Kelso : And what the hell have you two been doing all morning?

Turk : You know.

J.D : Meeting.

Turk : Hip-hop hugs.

J.D : Greeting. We got these. He gave some hip-hop hugs.

J.D : Say I was too nervous to hit on that girl over there, what advice would you give me?

Old MC. : Bust a move.

Turk : All right, all right. What if a great song comes on, but I'm too shy to get down. What should I do?

Old MC. : Bust a move.

J.D : You're awesome, man. What are you drinking? We'll buy you one.

Old MC. : Bust a move.

Turk & J.D : You know, convention stuff.

Kelso : Look, just because I get to spend the weekend drinking beer with the guys and overpaying the escorts so they'll do the weird stuff, doesn't mean you two get to screw around. Attend some lectures, visit some booths, act like professionals, damn it!

Turk : Sir, we are being professional. Yeah, we were coming over here just now to check out this booth right here with the crapper.

Doctor : Oh, it's much more than that. If a patient has a bowel movement in it, it immediately gives a diagnosis. We call it the Dr. Toilet.

[J.D : Mr. Neemith, I wanted a second opinion, so I've called in my colleague, Dr. Toilet.

Dr. Toilet : I agree. The best course of action is dialysis.

J.D : Dr. Toilet, I'm sorry about the other day. I had just had my morning coffee and a bran muffin. It was kind of an emergency situation. I know you were napping, but it was an accident.

Dr. Toilet : An accident? Dr. Dorian, there are 48 other toilets in this hospital. I'm the only one that's a doctor, and yet you came into my office and you sat on me. Didn't you hear me screaming to get off?

J.D : Roger, in my defense, those sounds were very muffled. I thought they were coming from me.

Dr. Toilet : You know what, John? Let's just drop it and move on.
Janine, hold my calls, I'm gonna take a nap.

Janine : Sure thing, Dr. Toilet.

(SIGHS)

(SNORING)]

J.D : I wouldn't be able to help myself.

Elliot : Hi, Gary, it's Elliot Reid. I know that we haven't spoke since you broke up with me in the 11 th grade, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm getting married. Oh, also I was sorry to hear that you lost your legs. I'm notifying all my old boyfriends that I am officially off the market.

Cox : I'm sure the pulse setting on your showerhead will be devastated. Look, blondie, I have a cardiac patient who needs perfusion imaging, and since your fancy private practice has one of those SPECT cameras, I was hoping you'd let us use it.

Elliot : Sure, just as long as you promise to come to my wedding, the camera's all yours.

Cox : Why do you even care?

Elliot : I know that we don't exactly like each other, but over the past six years, you've become a huge part of my life, so I would love you to come. Plus, if you don't, then table 14 will be boy, girl, boy, girl, girl, and that's insanity. Jennifer next to Jennifer next to Nadja, next to Bobby, but then next to Britney, and Britney doesn't get along with Jennifer.

Cox : Yeah, camera or no camera, please consider this me checking the "will not be attending" column.

(SNARLS)

Keith : I'm sorry, Carla, but I need you to take care of this lab work.

Carla : Keith, I'm already covering three floors. Can you believe this, Ted?

(GAGGING)

Ted : When people try to put me in the middle of things, my throat closes.

Janitor : Listen here, young Dr. Gilchrist.

Keith : That's not my name.

Janitor : Gilchrist, please. She's not upset with you because you asked her to help. She's upset because you insinuated her job was less important.

Carla : He's actually right.

Janitor : And you, Nurse Ipanema. Realize this is a young doctor under stress. Ted, come along. We've much work to do.

Carla : Wait, Ted, Ted, what are you doing?

Ted : I'm a follower.

Turk : Okay, when the lecture starts, I'll start to choke and then you yell, "Is there a doctor in the house?"

J.D : That's gonna kill. Just be careful, don't really choke. That won't be funny.

Turk : No, no.

J.D : Do you think if Elliot and I were still dating, we'd be getting married?

Turk : Dude, you gotta turn this off, all right? We're on vacation. There are plenty of hot girls here, and single.

J.D : Turk, Elliot getting married is a big deal for me. There's not just one girl who's gonna make me stop thinking about it.

Kim : Good afternoon. I'm Dr. Briggs and I'm lecturing on the use of high-dose radiation therapy in prostate cancer.

J.D : Except maybe the last girl I was in love with.

Cox : I'll be honest with you. I can't make heads or tails out of this thing. When is this hospital gonna get its own SPECT camera?

Janitor : That is a very good point and I am on it. Ted! Add that to the list. I will check to see if the quarterly fiscals can accommodate the financial comps. I hope so.

Cox : Ted, you do realize that was all gibberish? He's just pretending. He can't make any real changes in this place.

Ted : Tell that to the new daycare program.

Jack : Hi, Dad.

Cox : Jack, what are you doing?

Elliot : Hey. Oh, who's this?

Cox : I don't know. Get out.

Elliot : You know, if you're still having problems with that picture, all you gotta do is agree to go to my wedding and you can use our camera.

Cox : Blondie, as attached as I have indeed become to my patient, his d*ath due to my inability to see a clearer picture of his heart would still be a preferable alternative to actually having to hear you utter your self-written vows. "My dearest Keith, my heart was like a vault, "but you picked the lock like an apple thief. "who picks the first Golden Delicious of the fall harvest."

Elliot : Okay, first of all, stop reading my wedding binder. It's private. And... I cannot believe that you wouldn't want to come see me start my life with my soul mate.

Cox : Soul mate? Try last resort. Let's just be honest for two seconds here. You basically lived in this dump for the last six years, and there weren't that many guys to choose from, once you eliminate the women and the gays. The too old, the too poor... The ones who just barely beat the rap for murdering their first wife. And, of course, Ted.

Ted : No!

Cox : Well, then, what's left?

Kim : As you can see here, recurrence rates were significantly diminished with the higher doses.

J.D : I can't believe Kim's here. I guess I have to go talk to her.

Turk : Why is that a bad thing?

J.D : We haven't really spoken since the miscarriage.

Turk : Yeah, well, she looks good. I think her boobs got bigger.

J.D : Really? Mmm-hmm. Let me see. Yeah, you're right. Check it.

J.D : As we sat there air-groping my ex, I wondered how things were going back at the hospital. Elliot was probably still giddy about her engagement.

Cox : So, let me ask you this there, Barb. Do ya really want to marry Keith or do you just want to get married?

Kim : Okay, that's all I've got. Thanks for barely listening.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

J.D : Do you think she still thinks about me?

Turk : Probably.

Kim : Are there any questions?

J.D : Why would you tell me you miscarried our child when you clearly didn't?

Kim : That's probably a question I should answer more face-to-face after the lecture. Are there any other questions? Yes, you sir.

Turk : Yeah, I think you should answer his question.

J.D : How did he get over there so fast?
You're a good friend.

Turk : I got your back.

Kim : Anyone else have a question? Yes, you in the back.

Old MC : Bust a move!

Kim : Really more of a statement than a question, but thank you.

Elliot : I've always wanted to be married so badly. I mean, what if I am settling with Keith?

Carla : Elliot, what you're going through is normal.

Jordan : When I got engaged, all I could think of was, "Why am I with this angry, cynical idiot?" But then I fought through it and realized he was the love of my life. Unfortunately, we had a little argument and so we broke up, but then I met Perry a month later, we have two beautiful children, and the point is, sometimes settling works.

Elliot : Oh.

Janitor : And that is how I got my name.

Coffee vendor : You don't look Asian.

Ted : Hey, why aren't you being the Chief of Medicine?

Janitor : I'm just taking a break, Ted. I don't want it to get stale.

Ted : The hospital needs you. I need you. Doesn't that mean anything? Damn right it does. Now, let's go find a cure for polio.

Kim : Sorry? Okay, too soon for laughter. I know that you must be really upset.

J.D : Upset is just one of the emotions I'm feeling, Kim. How could you do this to me?

Kim : I don't know. My hormones went crazy and I was scared, and I thought that we were only together because I was pregnant and so I lied, and I pushed you out the door, and then I got really angry that you left me.

J.D : Were you ever planning on telling me?

Kim : Yes, of course, yes. I just hadn't figured out how yet. I mean, what could I possibly say?

J.D : I don't know, how about, "J.D., I think there might be "something living in my uterus."

Kim : I know I made a huge mistake, and I'm so, so sorry. I just... I had backed myself into this corner I didn't know how to get out of and... You know what? No more excuses. I did a horrible thing. I don't expect you to forgive me.

J.D : Well, good, because I'm not going to.

Kim : You probably hate me right now because I hate myself. But it's been really good seeing you and... And I thought I could do this on my own, but I can't. I'm alone and I'm terrified, and I have no right to ask you for this, but I could really use some help. Crap salad, I gotta go give another lecture. I just need 40 minutes and... Please stay. Promise me that you'll just stay and we can talk about this.

J.D : Fine, but I'm not doing it for you.

Kim : Fair enough.

Carla : There's no need to freak out, Elliot. All women go through the same stages once they're engaged. First, there's the "Yay, I'm engaged" stage. Remember yesterday?

Elliot : I know. It was so great.

Jordan : Then comes the "Oh, my God, I can't believe "I'm gonna have s*x with the same person for the rest of my life" stage. And that's when you head to the nearest frat house, ditch your undies, and then the next morning do the walk of shame to your Beamer.

Elliot : Sure.

Carla : Elliot, you'll get through this. You just have to try not to act like a crazy person. See, at times like this, we tend to torture our men to test them.

Elliot : Oh, yeah, I can't see myself doing that.

Elliot : What's this, Keith? Huh?

Keith : Our sample invite with the lettering you picked out.

Elliot : No. This is not what I picked out. I picked out Flourished Italic. Now, you go back to the printer and you tell them it should look like this. I went to calligraphy camp. Now, don't you screw this up, Keith. Because if this goes wrong, then the wedding goes wrong, and then I'll get depressed and fat, and you cheat on me and I swear to God, I will chop it off!

Keith : What just happened?

Seamus Meltzer : I suppose this would dissolve surgical glue, but may I ask how that happened in the first place?

Kelso : Oh, you know, boys being boys. A SPECT camera, huh? My hospital, Sacred Heart, needs one of those.

James Gurley : It's funny you should say that. I was just on the phone with your Chief of Medicine 10 minutes ago.

Janitor : Fax this to someone.

(PHONE RINGING)

Janitor : Chief o' Medicine.

Kelso : I'm the Chief of Medicine, Bob Kelso. Who the hell is this?

Janitor : I'm you. I'm talking to you from a future phone. By the way, sell all your gasoline stocks. Everything now runs on potatoes.

Kelso : I don't know who the hell this is, but when I find out, I am going to put my Loafer so far up your ass you're gonna have tassels hanging out your nose. Now tell me who you are.

Janitor : What's your name again?

ted : Teddy Buckland.

Kelso : Ted?

(EXCLAIMS)

Ted : He's never going to believe I did this. Hey, where'd you go?

Barman : Sorry, sir, we don't have Appletinis, but I could make you a Peachtini.

J.D : That's a little phoofy for my taste. A beer is fine. With a pineapple wedge, please.

Turk : How you doing?

J.D : Not too bad, considering I just had a bomb dropped on me.

Turk : Oh, no. That was bigger than a bomb. It was more like an asteroid about to hit the planet. You know, people running in the streets screaming, "Oh, my God, it's coming right at us!" And then dudes turning to hot chicks and being all like, "Look, we 'bout to die so can I hit that?" And then the girl's like, "Hell to the no!" But then she realizes, "Oh, my God, I'm about to die. So you know what? "Yeah, you can hit this, but no kissing."

J.D : That's exactly what it's like. Oh, thank you. I'm just so mad. I literally don't know what to say to her. Don't you dare! Part of me wants to talk to her, part of me wants to...

Old MC: Bust a move?

J.D : You have a problem, sir! Seek help.

Turk : You know what you're gonna do?

J.D : What?

Turk : You're gonna sit here and wait for Kim, and then you're gonna talk to her because you're a good person. No matter what mistakes she's made, she's still having your kid, and you're not walking away from that.

Cox : Oh, say, Barbie, I'm gonna go ahead and ask you one more time. May I please, please use your practice's SPECT camera?

Elliot : Sure, whatever.

Cox : That's great, 'cause I actually already used it.

Elliot : I don't care. And don't worry about coming to my wedding, because there probably won't be one.

Cox : Look, I love it that after six years I can still mess with your head. It is both a testament to my commitment and a glaring statement about your mental fragility. But still, as much as it pains me to say it, there's nothing I did or said that had any real impact on your relationship with the future Mr. Barbie.

Elliot : Yeah, but I got all crazy and went off on him.

Cox : Of course you did, you're a woman. Sure, you do come with a little extra crazy, but what the heck, that's what makes you, you. Listen to me. Keith isn't going to care. He's not.

Elliot : Why are you being so nice to me?

[Jordan : Lay off the stick or I'll wait till you're asleep and I will cheese grate your nerps.]

Cox : Because sometimes I like to do nice things without being coerced.

Elliot : Oh.

Keith : Hopefully that's the right lettering.

Cox : You're fine. Now, if you'll go ahead and excuse me, I'm gonna go grab a quick shower to get this moment off of me.

(UMAN PLAYING)

J.D : Turk was giving me the silent treatment because I had taken Old MC's advice over his. I had busted a move and left.

Kim : Oh, no, I'm saving this for someone. He should be here any minute.

J.D : And, yeah, I still have doubts about my decision.

Keith : I love you, babe. See you tomorrow.

Elliot : Yeah.