Open: The Hospital, interior -- a darkened corridor.
J.D. stands facing an interior window, intently watching the activity on the other side of the glass.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I don't know why I came to watch Turk in surgery when I could've caught a few minutes of sleep. I guess I just haven't seen much of my best friend, lately. Still, it's not like I'm desperate or anything.
From inside the OR, we see J.D. waving enthusiastically. Turk looks over but grimaces while nodding in the direction of his fellow surgeons; in a way of saying, "Dude, don't embarrass me, I'm working."
J.D. makes a motor sound as he lowers himself below the window frame.
The head surgeon then engages Turk in a heated debate:
Dr. Wen: Look, I've been attending here for three years. What makes you think you know better?
Turk: In my gut, I know I'm right.
Dr. Wen: We need to make this decision now!
Turk: Fine, then, it's on you.
Dr. Wen: Yes, it is! Nurse -- Erasure!
Nurse: Yes, doctor.
She turns and we see the doors of a small metal machine close. Music begins to play, and Dr. Wen, his eyes smiling behind his mask, bops to the beat of Erasure's "A Little Respect" that has now filled the OR.
Todd Shrugs. Turk looks disappointed over his loss. J.D., still looking in from the other side of the glass, cocks his head then pointedly walks away.
The patient, Mr. Bidwell, looks up to Turk
Mr. Bidwell: I hate this song!
Turk: [looking down at him] Me too, man. Me too.
Todd brings down the gas mask
~*~
OPENING THEME
COMMERCIAL
~*~
Reopen: The Hospital, night-time -- a private patient's room.
J.D. and Elliot are here, checking on a sleeping patient.
J.D.'s Narration: It's weird, but a hospital room can actually be a romantic place. Maybe it's the soft green glow of a heart monitor, or the way the moonlight reflects off a bedpan....
Elliot adjusts the buttons on the monitor, and J.D. comes up behind her to help. When she turns, her face is nearly inches from his. She quickly turns away to tend to the patient.
Elliot: Our shifts keep overlapping on Friday nights.
J.D.: It's the closest thing I've had to a date, recently.
Elliot: [smiling] Well, I had a great time tonight.
J.D.: [playing along] Oh, yeah, me too. So... can I page you?
Elliot: You better. And don't do the whole two-day waiting thing.
J.D.: Oh, baby, I don't play by the rules.
Elliot: Well, uh, goodnight....
She turns her face up to him and closes her eyes, slightly pouting her lips.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Wait a second, is she joking? 'Cause if she's joking and I kiss her...
***Fantasy Sequence: Three cut-scenes.
1: Elliot hauls off and slaps J.D. hard.
2: At the front doors of the hospital, Dr. Kelso shoves J.D. -- a suitcase in each hand -- out with a swift kick in the rear.
3. Wearing scrubs and a white coat, and looking very disheveled, J.D. stands on a roadside next to an old shopping cart, a cardboard sign in hand reading "WILL GIVE PHYSICAL FOR FOOD"
End of Fantasy Sequence: J.D. looks at Elliot, perplexed
J.D.'s Thoughts: Of course, if she's not joking...
***Fantasy Sequence: Three more cut-scenes.
1: In wedding garb, Elliot and J.D. stand together, grinning. Elliot shows off her gigantic ring to the camera before giving J.D. an exuberant kiss.
2: J.D. and Elliot lie in bed, sweaty and panting.
3: Elliot and a brunette kiss. They part and the camera pulls back to reveal them in bed, just as J.D. sits up between them, looking like he's won the lottery.
End of Sequence J.D. continues looking at Elliot, a smile on his face.
Elliot: [opening her eyes with a slight laugh] Come on, I don't do this for all the doctors.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Yes!
He leans in for the kiss, but just before contact can be made, Dr. Cox flies into the room. J.D. and Elliot part to face him.
Dr. Cox: [writing in the chart he carried in] Look, this guy's gonna need 40 MAQ's of KCL; and go ahead and grab me when you get the results.
He drops the chart on the table at the end of the bed and starts to walk out.
J.D.: You got it.
Dr. Cox turns around.
Dr. Cox: Oh, and his TV is broken, so, when you two do start tagging each other [he pumps his fist], least you can do is wake him up and let him watch.
He leaves, and Elliot, looking slightly embarrassed, moves past J.D. to check the chart that Dr. Cox had left. J.D. watches her.
J.D.'s Narration: In my experience, when two friends miss an opportunity like this, you've got exactly forty-eight hours to get the kiss.
A small LED clock appears in the bottom of the screen reading 48.00.00. The count-down begins.
J.D.'s Narration: [continuing] ...Otherwise, one of you is gonna over-think it -- okay, she's gonna over-think it -- and then you end up permanently stuck in "The Friend Zone."
Elliot looks up from the chart and faces J.D. She stands, silent, for a few seconds.
Elliot: I'll see ya.
She drops the chart on the table and rushes from the room.
The patient looks up to J.D.
Patient: You're such a girl.
J.D. nods.
~*~
The ICU, the following day. J.D. is following behind Dr. Cox.
J.D.: So, nothing was going on last night between me and Elliot.
Dr. Cox: Good thing you still have your 'flower', then.
J.D. stops and looks back as Turk walks past the doorway, talking and laughing with Carla.
Turk: That song... is like a virus!
J.D. catches up to Dr. Cox, who is now leaning on the counter of the Nurses' Station, writing in a chart.
J.D.: I'm just a little lonely, you know; I guess 'cause I haven't really been hanging out with Turk since he's been dating Carla.
Dr. Cox: First of all, who's Turk? And don't answer. Look, if you have a medical question for me, I'm forced by hospital policy to answer you. However, if you ask me about a personal problem, I'm going to start doing this:
He flicks J.D. in the ear and walks off.
J.D. yowls with pain and grabs his ear. With a grimace he turns and faces the Janitor who has walked up behind him.
Janitor: You seem unhappy.
J.D. looks at him, still holding his ear.
Janitor: I like that.
He walks away, pleased.
~*~
The Recovery Ward.
Turk and Todd, along with a couple of nurses, are wheeling their patient, Mr. Bidwell, in to where J.D. and several other nurses wait.
Turk, with much feeling and a little dancing, is singing the Erasure song.
Turk: [singing] "I try to discover... a little something to make me sweeter. Oh, baby refrain---" I cannot get that stupid song out of my head. It's like a damn virus. Okay, here's his chart [he hands a large binder to J.D.], his transfer note; he's hemodynamically stable. Consider him officially turfed to Medicine.
Todd: [to Turk] T-Man, I'm gonna get my grub on.
They give each other five and Todd walks out. J.D. looks over to Turk with a furrowed brow.
Turk: Means he's gonna go eat.
J.D.: Ahhh. So, surgery went okay?
Turk: Yeah, it was cool; it was cool.
He turns to watch Todd exit the room, then rushes over closer to J.D.
Turk: [excited] Dude, I got to close for the first time, ever. Ever! The human body is so disgusting!
Mr. Bidwell looks up to Turk, a bit miffed.
Turk: Oh, not yours. Yours is stunning!
J.D.: [grinning] We should go out and celebrate, you know, tear it up like we used to do; just the two of us.
Turk: And that would come before Part B...
Together they shout "Partay!" and bounce bellies, laughing like a couple of college frat boys.
J.D.: [laughing] That's what... we used to tear it up...
They look around to notice the rest of the staff watching them incredulously.
J.D.: We should probably never do that again.
Turk nods and walks out.
As the scene changes, we see miscellaneous hospital staff in a hall way, and a voice over of Turk's words echoing: "The song is like a virus." In a lavatory, the janitor is working to plunge a stopped up toilet, and is mumbling the words of the Erasure song.
Janitor: "Oh, baby, please.... Give a little respect.... To me."
He flushes the toilet and backs away as it overflows.
~*~ The ICU.
J.D. comes around the corner of the nurses station, his eyes fixed on Elliot ahead of him, who is filling out a chart.
The LED clock flashes onto the screen once again, still counting down from the time left, which now stands at 37:22:40
J.D.'s Thoughts: Don't let it be awkward. Do something cute; cover her eyes and say, "Guess who!"
Just as he comes up behind her, he stumbles and runs into her, and they both fall to the ground, with her mostly breaking J.D.'s fall. Elliot coughs as if she's had the wind knocked out of her.
J.D.: [meekly] Guess who!
Elliot: [gasping] I can't breathe.
Dr. Kelso strides into the room
Dr. Kelso: Okay, gang, it's time for rounds.
J.D. and Elliot jump to their feet.
Dr. Kelso: [in a high-pitched voice] Let's see who's 'The Weakest Link'!
Dr. Kelso heartily laughs at his joke, and a few of the interns humor him.
Dr. Kelso: [laughing] "The weakest link".... [finally, he composes himself] Now then, uh, Dr.... Simodes; the severe swelling of the lips exhibited by this patient might be an indication of what?
Dr. Simodes: Angio-edema.
Dr. Kelso: Well done... sport. And what treatment would you recommend, uh, Dr... [he looks in his chart] uh, Dorian.
J.D.: A combination of steroids and any of several anti-histamines.
Dr. Kelso: Atta boy, sport.
J.D. gives a crooked smile
Dr. Kelso: Now, then, what would you recommend the patient stay away from, uh, Dr... [looking at his chart again] Reid?
Elliot: My first guess would be, uh, shellfish.
Dr. Kelso: Right you are, sweetheart.
Elliot: [whispering] 'Sweetheart'?
She looks at J.D.
J.D.'s Narration: I could kinda see what was going on in Elliot's head.
***Fantasy sequence:
Sleazy sax music plays and Dr. Kelso, wearing a red smoking jacket and a gaudy gold necklace, sits down on the end of the patient's bed. He has a glass of wine in his hand and a pipe in his mouth. With a leer, he gestures towards the camera with the pipe.
Dr. Kelso: Right you are, sweetheart. [looking up and down] Mmm...hmm...hmm.
***End of Fantasy Sequence: J.D. stares at Dr. Kelso, his eyebrows cocked.
~*~
J.D. and Turk's Apartment Building, night-time.
Cut to interior: Living Room.
J.D. and Turk are set on the couch watching the TV, as Carla works in the kitchen behind them.
Turk: [to J.D.] What do you wanna watch?
J.D.: [as he pets "Rowdy" who is standing near the couch] "Fletch".
Turk: [pointing the remote control at the TV] "Fletch" it is.
Carla: Seen it.
Turk: [over his shoulder] Well, you haven't seen it with us saying all the lines.
Carla: [sarcastic] I'm so lucky I found you.
She sets the two canned drinks she had on the counter and goes deeper into the kitchen
J.D.: Maybe next time, her mom could come.
Turk: Dude, you won't even know she's here. Well, except, she laughs at stupid stuff sometimes, and that kinda makes me laugh [he begins chuckling at the thought] It's stup--- because it's so stupi---
He looks over at J.D., who obviously sees no humor in it.
Turk: Oh, come on, tonight's still about us.
J.D.: Whatever, I don't care.
Carla comes into the living room and stands next to the couch, with a couple of cans of beverage in her hand.
Carla: Turk? You wanna go hang out in your room?
Turk, who had the remote raised to the TV, stops. At top speed he takes off towards the bedroom and the door slams shut, the only sign of him once sitting on the couch being the remote control that still hangs in mid-air. J.D. watches it fall to the empty spot on the couch beside him.
~*~
The Doctors' Lounge
Dr. Cox is curled up on one of the couches with a pillow, his eyes closed. Elliot paces behind him.
Elliot: On the one hand, I know Dr. Kelso doesn't mean anything by it. And, okay, maybe I am kind of a sweetheart....
Dr. Cox: I'm sleeping.
Elliot: On the other hand, it just sounds so demeaning! You know?
Dr. Cox: Mother of God, you're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you.
Elliot: I mean, it's not like he's my grandpa or anything. Anyway [she sits on the coffee table in front of the couch] J.D. always tells me how you've helped him out...
Dr. Cox: Well, he obviously hasn't told you about my ear-flicking policy, has he. [he sits up on the couch and faces Elliot] Look! This whole "groovy guidance counselor" thing you people seem to have working is a total fantasy. I'm not that guy, you can go and ask anybody. Now, you've got to leave me alone, or I'll punish you.
He flops back onto the couch and closes his eyes.
Elliot: I guess "sweetheart" is kind of innocuous.
Dr. Cox's eyes fly open. He whips around on the couch once more, and faces Elliot.
Dr. Cox: Okay! Here's what you're gonna do: Go right down there and confront Kelso.
Elliot: Really?
Dr. Cox: Oh, absolutely! Nevermind that he is the Chief of Medicine for the entire hospital; he'll have a whole new level of respect for you!
Elliot: Honestly?
Dr. Cox: Yes! You can't have sexist terms like that floating around here. You go get him.
Elliot leaps off the table and starts for the door. As she passes Dr. Cox, he gives her a slap on the bottom before rolling over onto the couch.
~*~
A Hospital Ward.
J.D. is standing at a patient's bedside, talking to Nurse Roberts.
J.D.: Okay, this guy looks stable, but I still wanna get an EKG; let's do Cardiac enzymes, and uh....
He is distracted as Elliot walks through the room behind Nurse Roberts, muttering to herself about "sweetheart".
The LED clock flashes in the bottom of the screen, now reading 16:11:24
J.D.: Uhh... And an aspirin.
J.D.'s Narration: A lot of my work has become second nature to me.
With his stethoscope, J.D. listens to the man's chest
***Fantasy Sequence: The patient in the bed is suddenly Turk.
Turk: Look, man, I'm surgery, and you're Medicine. This isn't college anymore; things have to change.
J.D.: Well, I know relationships change, I just thought yours and mine never would.
***End of Sequence: The patient looks up at J.D., rather confused.
Suddenly, Turk appears behind J.D., where Nurse Roberts was once standing.
Turk: What's goin' on with you, man?
J.D.: Well, we always look out for each other.... I guess I just don't feel like you have my back anymore.
Turk: You really feel that way?
J.D.: Yeah, I do.
Suddenly, Nurse Roberts stands where Turk once stood, surprising J.D. -- that had been in his imagination, too.
Nurse Roberts You do? Great. I'll get 'em from my locker, and you can just write me a check. [she starts to walk off but turns back] And can you take a look at Mr. Bidwell? His temperature's starting to spike.
She walks away.
J.D.: [uncertain] Sure
~*~
The Hallway.
A group of interns stand around the Lawyer, taking notes.
Lawyer: Legally, there's a huge difference. When you stitch a patient, wind up sewing a sheet to him, that's an accident. When he tries getting up, the whole gurney collapses, breaking his front teeth, that's a lawsuit. Say it with me: Accident. Lawsuit.
Group: Accident. Lawsuit.
Pan past the group, to Dr. Kelso, in a suit and carrying a briefcase, as he walks through the Admissions Area to the front door of the hospital.
Elliot runs after him.
Dr. Kelso: So, what is it, sweetheart?
Elliot: It's that, it's the sweetheart thing. It just doesn't hit me right. I'm a doctor, and it seems sort of... disrespectful.
Dr. Kelso stops walking and turns to face Elliot.
Dr. Kelso: Oh? I've always called the young men "sport" and the young women "sweetheart".
Elliot: But, you called Becky "sport".
She directs his attention to a very tomboyish young woman standing in the waiting area, filling out a chart for a patient.
Dr. Kelso: Oh... Well, I am so sorry.... Sport.
Elliot waves her hand at him, as if to say, "Don't sorry about it."
Dr. Kelso: It must be one of those bad habits I've developed after working in the medical field for over thirty years.
His tone turns dark with those last few words. And Elliot buckles under his threatening demeanor.
Elliot: Th-thirty years? But... you look so young!
Dr. Kelso cocks an eyebrow at her weak attempt to flatter him and heads out the door.
~*~
The Recovery Unit
J.D. checks the eyes of Turk's patient. Nurse Roberts stands by.
J.D.'s Narration: It's never easy to see a patient that's getting worse instead of better. In fact, that's kind of the opposite of what we're going for.
J.D.: I don't get it, he was fine last night. Now he's diaphoretic, he's in and out of consciousness. He might even be septic.
Nurse Roberts: Well, we won't know anything until the lab gets his blood-work back.
J.D.'s Thoughts: If he's septic, there's a chance they'll have to reopen this guy. 'Course, there's also a chance he could die.
Nurse Roberts: I've seen this before. Gauze, sponges -- some young surgeon left something in this man.
J.D.: Noo. No. I know the guy that closed, he'd never be that careless.
Just then, Turk steps into the doorway of the unit, waving to get the attention of the people.
Turk: 'Kay, uh... Excuse me, sorry; has anyone seen my keys? No? Okay, how about my wallet? Anyone?
Getting no response, he turns and leaves.
Nurse Roberts looks over to J.D.
J.D.: I've never seen that before.
Nurse Roberts shakes her head... and then begins singing as she walks towards another patient's bed.
Nurse Roberts: "Oh, baby, please... give a little respect... to me."
~*~
COMMERCIAL
~*~
Reopen: The Hospital, exterior -- daytime.
Cut to interior: The Hallway.
J.D. is briskly walking through, looking into the open doors of several rooms.
J.D.: [calling] Turk? Oh, Dr. Cox?
He catches up to Dr. Cox at the desk of the Nurses' Station.
J.D.: Have you seen Turk?
Dr. Cox looks up and flicks J.D. in the ear before walking away.
J.D.: Oww! [grips his ear] ...Oww!
Still holding his ear, he walks further down the hall, finally arriving at the on-call room. He opens the door.
J.D.: Turk?
Elliot is in the bed, just awoken from sleep. She raises her head to look at J.D.
The LED clock flashes onto the bottom of the screen, now counting down from 09:27:14
Elliot: [sleepily] Hey...I was just dreaming about you.
J.D. leans against the door frame, smiling.
Elliot: ...You were.... We were.... [grins] Hey; you got a few minutes?
She pats the mattress in invitation.
J.D.'s eyes widen.
J.D.: Don't move.
He walks past, and Elliot begins to get up out of the bed. Suddenly, J.D. is back at the doorway.
J.D.: No, no, no, no. Don't...move.
He goes further down the hall and approaches the Janitor, who is on a ladder, fixing a light.
J.D.: Have you seen Turk?
Janitor: [agitated] Yeah. I saw him. He just went out that door.
He gives a slight nod with his head to the door at the end of the hall, and snivels a bit over being asked such a question.
J.D. goes through the door, and steps out onto the roof.
J.D.: Turk?
A gust of wind blows the door shut behind him. J.D. tries the handle, but finds it locked. He knocks on the small window in the door, a little at first, and then louder. He screams.
The Janitor continues his work, never looking up.
Janitor: La-la-la. Can't hear ya.
J.D. Continues screaming. Finally, the Janitor looks up at him.
Janitor: What?
J.D. [yelling] Let me in!
Janitor: You love... who?
J.D. resumes banging on the door.
~*~
A Private Hospital Room
Elliot, yawning sleepily, goes over a chart as she enters.
Elliot: Well, Mr. Kavanaugh, your arrhythmia is much better. Everything looks [she flips through his chart] just great, actually.
Mr. Kavanaugh: You sound surprised.
Elliot: [turning away from him, and writing in the chart] Well, okay, it has nothing to do with you; but I had a little run-in with Dr. Kelso yesterday, so, when he switched me over to you, I just thought it would be a difficult case.
As she was speaking, and writing in her chart, Elliot was unaware of the fact that Mr. Kavanaugh had gotten out of his bed and stripped off his hospital gown behind her. When she turns back, her eyes bug out.
Mr. Kavanaugh: Go on, I'm listening.
Elliot: [faltering] Excuse me while I go check on--on another penis. Patient! He--he's a penis patient.
She flees the room.
~*~
J.D. Exits the back of the hospital and comes out onto the lot where J.D., Todd, and Becky are playing basketball. He gestures to Turk.
J.D.: Hey! Turk! I gotta talk---
Turk: [shouting] Hey! Come here!
J.D.: No, no, I gotta talk to you.
Turk: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Look, it's 9-up. okay? We just lost our fourth, it's your ball.
He tosses the ball to J.D.
J.D.: [tossing the ball back] Look. it's very important that I talk to you, man.
Turk: This is not a joke, either! It's real, man; it's Surgical versus Medical. Your ball [he passes the ball to Becky] You're Shirts, come on.
Todd: Let's play, let's play.
J.D. removes his stethoscope from around his neck and sets it on the ground. He heads onto the "court" next to Becky.
J.D.'s Narration: And there it was, everything was more important than me now.
Becky: [to J.D.] Don't bring in the same weak-ass crap the last kid did!
J.D.'s Narration: Suddenly, I was so fed up, I decided to teach Turk and Todd a lesson right there on the court....
Hard metal guitar music starts to play, as the game begins. Becky passes the ball to J.D., who holds it just a second too long and gets it batted out of his hands.
J.D.'s Narration: ...You know, once I warmed up a little.
Becky proves to be a pretty mean player, doing her best to block Todd, but he gets past her to drive one straight into the basket.
Todd and Turk slam their chests together in celebration of the shot.
Next, J.D. has the ball, he dribbles it up to the line, and shoots, but Turk deflects it.
It's now Turk's ball. He stands dribbling it, making some fancy passes around his legs.
Turk: J.D., I'ma show you what the deal's oh, oh, oh, ohh...
He lunges towards J.D., leaping into the hair to dunk the ball.
Becky angrily slams her hands against a nearby dumpster. J.D., his scrubs soaked in sweat, struggles to catch his breath.
Turk: All right, that's game. What's so important?
J.D.: [breathless] Okay, I was looking at Bidwell...
A beeper goes off.
Turk: One second.
He runs over to the side of the court, where his beeper sits. He picks it up and reads it.
Turk: Damn! I gotta go. But you played a good game! [he runs to the door of the hospital] You played a good game!
Todd: [to J.D.] I thought you sucked.
J.D.: [angry] Go get your grub on.
Todd: Yeah.
Todd turns towards the hospital, and the Erasure music starts up again.
Todd: [singing] "Give a little respect... to..." [catching up to a female employee, also walking towards the door] The Todd.
~*~
The Hospital Cafeteria.
Elliot winds through several tables to stand in front of Dr. Kelso, who is sitting, eating. He barely looks up from his soup.
Dr. Kelso: Yes?
Elliot: Sorry to bother you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: [looking up] Well.... if it isn't "Sport."
She laughs.
Dr. Kelso: How are things? Did you... see Mr. Kavanaugh today?
Elliot: Yes...
***Flashback shot of the naked Mr. Kavanaugh -- from the abdomen, up.
Elliot: Yes.... I did. Dr. Kelso, [she sits at the table across from him] I just wanted to say that, well, as far as the whole "sweetheart" thing goes, maybe I overreacted.
Dr. Kelso: Are you sure? Because I wouldn't want you to be the least bit uncomfortable.
Elliot: [laughing] To tell you the truth, I have no idea what possessed me to say anything in the first place.
***Flashback to the previous night in the Doctors' Lounge:
Dr. Cox: [close up] You've got to leave me alone, or I'll punish you.
*** End Flashback with Dr. Cox turning his back on her to lay on the couch.
Elliot: Yeah, absolutely no idea.
Dr. Kelso: Super. Then run along, sweetheart.
She looks uncomfortable ending the conversation like that, but reluctantly leaves.
Dr. Kelso goes back to his soup, and sings quietly to himself:
Dr. Kelso: [singing] "I try to discover.... a little something to make me sweeter...."
Cut to: The Nurses' Station
Carla is at the desk, organizing some files. She, too, is singing to herself:
Carla: [singing] "....Oh, baby refrain from breaking my heart. I'm so in love with---"
J.D. interrupts her as he approaches the desk.
J.D.: Have you seen Mr. Bidwell's blood work?
She looks among her files.
Carla: Um... no, it hasn't come back yet.
J.D.: [a bit annoyed] Okay.... Have you seen Turk?
Carla: [bemused] Not since this morning.
J.D.: [slightly more annoyed] Well, I'm sure you'll end up seeing him before I do, so....
Carla: [amused] Bambi? Are you giving me attitude?
Nurse Roberts comes over to stand next to Carla.
J.D.: [with a little neck bob] What if I am?
The two nurses laugh at him.
Carla: [in a voice reminiscent of Rosie Perez] Sweetie, you have to be a minority sidekick in a bad movie to pull that off. [to Nurse Roberts] You know what I'm talking about, right?
Nurse Roberts Oh, child, please! [they give each other five] You speak the truth!
Carla: Explain it to this man, please.
Nurse Roberts waves her finger at J.D.
Carla: First, you do the head, then you do the finger, then you talk through the nose...
Nurse Roberts snaps her fingers.
Carla: ...And then you give a lot of attitude. That's how it works. But if you're not from there, you don't understand, so I'm not gonna even 'axe' you---
J.D.: Okay, I'm gonna leave now.
He walks away.
Carla: What? [she gasps] Oh, no you didn't! Where' you going? Where' you going!?
~*~
The Hallway
Pan past the door of the men's room to the one next to it. A sign reads "Director of Legal Affairs". J.D. starts to knock on the door, but pauses when he hears singing coming from inside the room. He moves off to the side of the hallway, trying to look inconspicuous, as the Lawyer emerges from his office singing the Erasure song.
**** Fantasy Sequence:
The Lawyer is wearing a black shirt with wide, studded lapels, and a gold lame jacket. What's left of his usually frizzy hair is slicked back. He stands behind a microphone, fervently singing the last few words of the song. J.D. digs it. The Lawyer ends the song with a flourish.
Lawyer: [a'la Elvis] Thank you very much.
***End of sequence: J.D. gives the Lawyer a funny look.
Lawyer: [to J.D.] What?
J.D.: Hi, how are ya? I have a quick legal question. What if, hypothetically---
Lawyer: Oh, God, you killed somebody!
J.D.: Noooo!
Lawyer: Someone else did!
J.D.: No, no; no one killed anyone.
Lawyer: ...Maimed, mutilated, disfigured.... Let's not split hairs.
J.D.: No, no, I'm not even sure there is a problem. I'm running tests, I'm doing everything that I should be doing.
Lawyer: Look, if you know about something, by not reporting it you're every bit as culpable. Now, is there anything that you'd like to tell me?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Why am I protecting Turk when he can't even give me five seconds of his time?
Lawyer: Anything at all?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Tell him.
J.D.: ...No.
Lawyer: Oh! You scared the hell out of me!
Relieved, he pulls a bottle of pills from his suit pocket. He taps one -- or a couple -- of the pills out onto the top of his briefcase and takes it as he walks down the hall.
~*~
The Doctors' Lounge
Dr. Cox enters and strips off his white coat, dropping it, and whatever paperwork he was carrying, before flopping onto the couch.
Elliot enters the room.
Elliot: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: I'm hoping, for your sake, there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me.
Elliot: I feel stupid, but, sending me to Kelso like that -- well, I'm not sure, exactly, what you were trying to teach me.
Dr. Cox: The value -- and this is important -- of leaving me alone.
Elliot: [with a knowing grin] I think we both know there was a little more to it than that.
Dr. Cox: No, no, no, there's not! Look...
Her face falls.
Dr. Cox: I want you to spread the word, missy [he stands] I've. Had. Enough. The next whiny intern that comes in here looking to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic, one-woman freak-show, take your "Blah-blah" to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel.
Elliot: [thinking] You're right. I need to learn to pick my battles! Thank you, sir.
She walks out, and Dr. Cox looks slightly confused.
Dr. Cox: ....You're welcome.
~*~
The Nurses' Station
Nurse Roberts hands J.D. a large pair of bowling shoes over the counter, and he passes her a check in exchange.
J.D.: And you say your husband hardly wore them....
Nurse Roberts: Mm-hmm.
J.D.: [sarcastically, as he inspects his new acquisition] Fantastic.
Nurse Roberts: Oh, and the blood-work came back.
She hands J.D. a chart.
J.D.: [reading] Negative? How could they be negative? The guy looks like death.
He walks over to Mr. Bidwell's cubicle. Carla stands next to his bed, and Mr. Bidwell is sitting up, eating.
Mr. Bidwell: [waving happily] Hi!
J.D.: [to self] What happened?
Carla comes over to him.
Carla: There's no infection. He's diabetic; so when someone gave him insulin during post-op, when he wasn't eating, he became hypoglycemic.
J.D.: Oh, that's funny, because the only person who coulda given him insulin...
J.D.'s Thoughts: Uh-oh.
J.D.: [whispering] Me!
Carla nods.
J.D.: I gave him insulin!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Twice!
Carla: Well, he's fine, Bambi. I gave him an amp? of D-50 and he's eating, now. But you should probably give him a glass of orange juice in about an hour.
J.D.: Thank you so much. You totally saved my ass.
Carla: Well, it wasn't me....
She turns towards the door, where Turk is standing. He enters the room, and she heads out; the two touch hands as they pass one another.
J.D.: Look, Turk....
Turk: Come on, man; you know I always got your back.
J.D.: I know.
Turk turns around and starts to walk out to join Carla who awaits him just outside the door.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Just tell him how you feel without sounding like a girl, for once.
J.D.: I miss you so much it hurts, sometimes.
Regretting that already, J.D. closes his eyes and hangs his head. Turk slowly turns around and walks back towards J.D.
Turk: Okay, um, you've had a rough day, so I'm gonna let that go for now.
J.D.: [meekly] Thank you.
Turk: Look, we're gonna find time to hang, man. It's just that we're both really swamped right now, and I'm hanging out with Carla a lot, I know... But tell me, if there was someone you were into, you wouldn't be doing the same thing.
J.D.: Oh, crap!
The LED clock is in the corner of the screen again, now reading a mere 00:01:00
Erasure's "A Little Respect" begins playing once more....
J.D. shoves the bowling shoes he was holding into Turk's hands and sprints from the room.
Turk looks at the shoes, then calls after J.D.
Turk: Did Nurse Roberts sell you these?
He looks down at his own feet, wearing similar bowling shoes.
As the song continues playing, we see, in slow motion, J.D. running through the halls of the hospital, dodging staff members and patients on the way. He trips and falls once, but quickly picks himself up, skidding into the empty private patient's room where Elliot sits alone in the dark.
The song fades and the clock reappears, now counting down from fifteen seconds.
Elliot: You don't even want to hear about the day I've had.
J.D.: You're right. Kiss me.
Elliot: What? Right now?
J.D.: Well, we can wait like, three, four seconds.
Elliot: No, I just ate, I feel gross.
J.D.: Not gross, pretty. Come here.
She stands up and steps towards him, taking his hand. Just as they lean together for the kiss, the clock runs out of time.
Elliot: J.D., can we just... talk for a second?
J.D.'s Thoughts: It never fails.
***Fantasy Sequence: Outside the door of a hospital room.
J.D. approaches the door, next to which is the sign: "FRIEND ZONE - S2-43" As he steps inside the room, he sees a small group of people standing around talking. Elevator-type muzak plays in the background.
When they see J.D., there are murmurs of, "Oh, yeah, another one!" and "How ya doing?" and "Welcome!"
Guy #1: [extending his hand] Went to high school with her.
Guy #2: We worked at Penguin's Yogurt.
Guy #3: [out of view] Met her on a bus.
Becky: She'll come around.
Guy #1: [holding a bowl in front of J.D.] Pretzel?
J.D. takes one.
J.D.: Thank you.
***End of sequence.
Elliot: The first few weeks here have been so hard for me, mentally, physically, emotionally. It's like math camp all over again. Not that I've ever been to math camp -- it's just an expression.
J.D.: I use it all the time.
He puts his hand on her shoulder.
J.D.: Come on.
He puts his arm around her, and they walk out of the room. She begins talking, but is drowned out by...
J.D.'s Narration: I know the idea of choosing friendship over sex is the last thing any guy wants to hear. But you know what? This time, it actually made sense to me.
Cut to: Turk and J.D.'s Apartment.
The guys are stretched out on the couch, their bowling-shoe-adorned feet propped on the coffee table, as they watch TV.
J.D.'s Narration: ...Besides, I challenge anyone to survive as an intern without a close group of friends to lean on.
Turk sticks the head of his beer bottle into Rowdy's mouth, and jerks the top off.
J.D.: I cant believe you lost our bottle opener.
Turk: Yeah, I know.... I miss it so much, it hurts sometimes.
J.D.: You're a bad person.
The screen goes black.
Turk: [voice over] Don't judge me.
END
