Open: Hospital Parking Lot - Day
"Attitude" by The Replacements plays.
J.D., Turk, and Elliot pile out of a car and casually head towards the hospital together.
J.D.'s Narration: At a certain point during your first year, things begin to feel a little different -- you've arrived, you know? You just start to feel....
They pass a game of hoops being played between a couple of doctors just outside the building.
Turk: [nonchalant] I'm open.
The ball gets passed to him, and he cleanly shoots it in with ease.
J.D.'s Narration: ...Cooler.
They continue up the ramp towards the front door. Turk and J.D. are unfazed by the awesome shot, but....
Elliot: Oh, my God! Turk, that was amazing!
Turk: [hissing] Woman. Woman! Shush.
J.D.: [quietly to Elliot] You see...it's a lot cooler if we don't make a big deal out of it.
Elliot: Oh, right.
She regains her "cool" as the three approach the front doors.
Inside, the Janitor is on the pay phone.
Janitor: [into phone] Hold on a minute.
With his call on hold, he stands with a stern expression, waiting to give J.D. a hard time.
The group walk past him without even flinching. J.D. looks over his shoulder and shakes his head at the somewhat baffled Janitor.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Whatever.
J.D.'s Narration: The point is, we've found our stride; we know all the ins and outs.
Elliot presses the button for the elevator. It quickly arrives.
Turk: Shall we?
All three line up before the open doors.
Turk: Aaaaand.
Moving as one, they side-step into the elevator, ending the move with a clap. They fall apart laughing, until Elliot notices something unpleasant.
Elliot: Oh, my God! Which one of you two did that!?
J.D. and Turk look at each other, slightly ashamed.
Turk : Heh. My bad.
J.D.: That was me.
The two look at each other surprised.
Elliot: Wh-both of you?
They knock their knuckles together in "celebration" of their spontaneous synchronization.
Turk
and : Player!
J.D.
Elliot: Can we have an agreement? No enclosed spaces.
Dr. Kelso steps into the elevator, and the doors close.
Dr. Kelso: Morning doctors.
Turk: Morning, sir.
J.D.: Sir.
Elliot: Morning, sir.
Dr. Kelso: [reading a chart he carried in] Well, Mrs. Winston, it's back to the home for you.
Suddenly, Dr. Kelso gets a slightly bitter expression on his face.
J.D.: Elliot, that is disgusting.
Turk: Seriously, Elliot.
Elliot's eyes widen in surprise and she turns to the guys to protest. But before she can, the elevator has reached its destination floor and Dr. Kelso begins to exit.
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, I think you should consider a change in diet.
Elliot looks mortified, and Turk & J.D. laugh.
Elliot: I hate you guys! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
The three leave the elevator, and Elliot socks J.D. in the chest to quiet his giggles.
J.D.: Ow!
The three straighten up, and stride confidently through the halls, waving at the occasional unseen colleague.
J.D.'s Narration: Let's face it, we've earned the right to be a little cocky.
J.D.: [shouting into a doorway] Jerome!
Turk: What up, dawg!
Elliot: My man! [to J.D.] Hey, who the hell is Jerome?
He furrows his brow for a second, but then shakes off the thought.
J.D.'s Narration: And I gotta tell ya, nobody can take this feeling away. Nobody.
The three are now at the Nurses' Station of the ICU.
Dr. Cox is leaning on the counter, filling out a chart. He looks up.
Dr. Cox: Oh, thank goodness, it's the Mod Squad.
The three look at each other, and blow off the comment. They continue on their way through the unit.
J.D.'s Narration: Because after months of having to do everyone else's scut-work, we're finally not the lowest people on the totem pole.
Carla catches up and walks with them, her hands on J.D.'s and Elliot's shoulders.
Carla: Look at you three, all excited!
They all laugh and walk a little further on.
J.D.'s Narration: You see, today...we get our very own med students.
Finally, they arrive before a nervous group of young people, all in scrubs.
Turk: [to the group] Welcome to hell!
He laughs with mock menace, and the three turn their backs on the students. Turk hold out his hands to J.D. and Elliot, who stand on either side.
Turk: Gimme some hungry chickens.
They playfully "peck" at his palms with their fingers.
Turk: [to J.D.] You're not hungry enough -- gimme some more.
J.D. increases his pecking, and Elliot laughs.
Turk: There you go. There you go!
"Attitude" fades into....
~*~
OPENING THEME
COMMERCIAL
~*~
Re-open: The Hospital, exterior - Day
Cut to: interior - The ICU
The scene resumes with the four watching the group of nervous med students, who stand closely together, talking.
J.D.: Look how scared they are. It's like we're cheetahs and they're a pack of gazelles.
***Fantasy Sequence: The group of students bob their heads around, as if watching the Savannah for any threats.
J.D. takes a small step towards them and, as a pack, they skitter in the opposite direction, with the clatter of hoofbeats against the linoleum.
*** End of Sequence
Dr. Kelso enters the room, and stands amid the group of students, as J.D., Elliot, Turk, and Carla look on.
Dr. Kelso: I'm Dr. Bob Kelso, and I'm your Chief of Medicine. Now, I want to encourage you all to think of me as your safety net because, I promise you all, we're a family here.
Elliot stands in amazement, Turk suppresses his amusement, and J.D. just rolls his eyes, as they watch Dr. Kelso put on his show.
Dr. Kelso: Okay, let's go get 'em, doctors.
He leads the group past the gang out of the room. Elliot watches in disbelief as they file past.
Elliot: They're actually buying it.
J.D.: The devil's greatest trick was convincing the world he didn't exist.
Turk holds out his fist to J.D.
Turk: [singing] Babay!
J.D. grinds his knuckles against Turk's.
J.D.: [singing] Yeah! (or Girl!)
Elliot laughs.
Carla: God, you two are dorks.
Turk: I gotta go.
He kisses Carla.
Turk: I gotta go meet up with my med student up in surgery.
He heads towards the door. Elliot calls after him:
Elliot: Ooh! Any idea who you're getting?
Turk: [walking backwards] Nope! But, knowing this hospital, it's probably someone black!
He holds up his fist as he turns and leaves.
J.D.: [singing after him] Sugar darlin'!
Turk: [singing over his shoulder] Yeah! (or Girl!)
Elliot and Carla giggle.
J.D.: So, I dunno-I'm just thinking I wa-I want someone I can be friends with, you know?
Elliot: Personally, I hope I just get the biggest jerk in the bunch. I took so much crap when I was a med student that I've just been waiting for the day that I get to make someone suffer.
Flash To:
The Nurses Station - A Little Later
Elliot is leaning against the counter, filling out a chart. One of the young med students, Philip, comes up behind her.
Philip: Listen, nurse....
She furrows her brow and looks at him.
Philip: I'm looking for a Dr. Elliot Reid.
She stands to face him.
Elliot: I'm Elliot Reid.
He looks her up and down.
Philip: Hm, guy's name, guy's job, guy's clothes.... Is there...anything else you wanna tell me?
He smirks at her, and she meets his expression with a bounce and squeal of glee.
Elliot: Mmmm! Goody! You're a jerk!
He looks...confused, to say the least.
~*~
The Men's Bathroom
Another one of the med students, a nervous-looking young man named Josh, is staring at himself in the mirror.
Josh: [to his reflection] Just remember to breathe, and you'll get through the day.
Behind him, there's the sound of a toilet flushing, and a door being opened. J.D. pokes his head into the reflection over Josh's shoulder.
J.D.: Josh?
The kid turns around.
J.D.: Hi, I'm Dr. Dorian.
Josh begins to laugh nervously.
Josh: I know what this looks like, but...
J.D. laughs with him, to ease his fears.
J.D.: Don't worry about it, man, I do that all the time.
Josh: Really? Do you ever part your hair on the wrong side just to see what you look like to other people?
J.D. laughs at first, but then responds very thoughtfully:
J.D.: No.
Josh: It totally messes everyone up!
J.D. smiles and gestures to begin walking towards the door.
J.D.: So, do you have any questions before we get started?
Josh: Yeah, what's the babe situation like around here?
J.D.: Easy, tiger!
Josh holds up a hand like a paw and "growls" playfully. He exists the room.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, boy.
(Editor's note: I have yet to decide if that flushing toilet was J.D. If it was, we never get to see him wash his hands in this scene, so I can only hope he lagged behind Josh and did so.)
~*~
Surgery - Nurses' Station
A petite blonde in green scrubs, Kristen, stands next to the counter writing in a clipboard. Turk approaches her.
Turk: Excuse me, doctor, have you seen a med student around here?
Kristen: Um, yeah.... Me.
He's a bit taken aback that his student is not quite as fresh-faced as the others.
Turk: Cool, uh, nice to meet you, ma'am.
Kristen: Actually, the only people that call me "ma'am" are, um...nobody.
Turk: Oh, no, no, no. See, I use "ma'am" all the time. Watch. [to a passing male staffer] What up, ma'am! [laughs] See? It's my thing.
Kristen: Yeah, right. Now come on, I'm here to learn.
They begin to walk together.
Turk: Cool. Listen up, kid -- Lesson Number One: All surgical interns, they're dogs.
Kristen: Not a problem.
They pass Todd, who takes a stab at the fresh meat.
Todd: Hey, baby.
She turns to him, but speaks to Turk.
Kristen: Besides, this kind of overbearing machismo is usually just compensation for a lap pinky.
Turk: Oh, that's cold!
They walk on.
From inside the station, Dr. Cox looks up from his chart and watches with a smile. Todd looks at him.
Todd: What the hell just happened?
Dr. Cox: Don't worry about it -- it's all good in the 'hood.
~*~
The Hallway
J.D. is leading Josh through.
J.D.: Let me tell you what I expect from you--- You parted your hair on the other side, didn't you.
Josh: Uhhhh.
J.D.: Ahhhhh! Okay, so you're gonna do H&Ps, you're gonna do admission orders---
Josh stops and begins writing in his clipboard.
J.D. turns back to look at him.
J.D.: What are ya doin'?
Josh: Oh, um.... I can't really walk and write at the same time -- it makes me nauseous.
J.D. remains frozen, looking slightly annoyed, as he waits for Josh to catch up.
J.D.'s Narration: A famous doctor once said, "Show me a med student that only triples my work, and I'll kiss his feet."
Cut to:
A Private Patient's Room
Elliot and Philip stand on either side of a male patient's bed.
Elliot: Philip, I'm gonna need you to shave this patient's groin so I can place a femoral _______.
She picks up the razor from the shaving kit on the table and holds it out.
Philip: [apprehensive] Yeah.... I'm not so much with the shaving a guy's curlies.
Elliot: It's your call, Phil. 'Course, if you do go ahead and get one bad evaluation from me, it'll pretty much torch your class rank; so I suggest you do what I tell you.
He rolls his eyes.
Elliot: [continuing] And if I ask you to shave a patient's groin, I think you should thank your lucky stars I said "shave."
She thrusts the razor at him and leaves the room. With a steeling sigh, Phil picks up the can of shaving cream and turns to the patient.
Philip: I'll tell you what -- I'll lather you up, and you start thinking about baseball!
The patient nods as Phil pulls back the dressing.
Philip: Hm! Natural redhead.
~*~
Cafeteria
Turk and Kristen are sitting at a table together.
Turk: 'Kay, so I'm gonna need you to change the dressing on the fem bypass in 402, and DC(?) the staples on the gastroplasty in post-op.
Kristen: Yeeeah.... I have no idea what you just said.
He looks highly concerned, but she breaks the tension quickly:
Kristen: I'm kidding.
He smiles at her as she scoops up her tray and leaves the table.
Dr. Cox is revealed to have been sitting at the next table.
Dr. Cox: [to Turk] Looks like you won the med student raffle, there, pal.
Turk: [smiling] Yeah.
Dr. Cox abruptly stands and faces Turk.
Dr. Cox: Introduce me.
Turk: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Next time we're face to face, you give me her name and then you tell her my name. Or you go: her name, my name; my name, her name. Whatever you're comfortable with.
Turk: No. [speaking slowly to emphasize] You like Carla.
Dr. Cox: Do you actually listen to yourself when you speak, or do you find you drift in and out?
Turk looks off to the side, not quite believing he's having this conversation. Dr. Cox sits at the table.
Dr. Cox: Fine. Then, I'm gonna go ahead continue to focus all my energies on Carla.
Turk nods in agreement.
Dr. Cox: Listening. Watching.... [with a grin] Waiting.
Suddenly, Turk doesn't find this all that agreeable.
Flash to:
A Hallway - Somewhat Later
Dr. Cox and Kristen stand facing each other, with Turk between them.
Turk: Dr. Cox, Kristen. Kristen, Dr. Cox.
His purpose now served, he walks away.
~*~
A Ward
J.D. storms up to one of the beds where Josh is talking with a patient.
J.D.: Josh. What are you doing? I asked you to get this guy's history, like, an hour ago. It shoulda taken five minutes.
Josh: Oh, uh, ye--we were just talking. This guy -- he is the bomb!
He playfully slaps the patient's chest. J.D. steps in and ushers Josh away from the man.
J.D.: Okay, okay, okay. Bye-bye. Bye-bye! Moving on. See you later. Help someone else. [to the patient] I'm sorry.
Carla comes up to J.D.
Carla: Relax, Bambi. Be nice to Thumper!
J.D.: [looking at the chart] He wrote down the guy sweats when he exercises.
Patient: I do.
J.D.: I'll call Ripley's!
Carla: Relax. It's just one mistake.
Flash to: Another Bed - Later
Carla stands next to J.D. as he helps Josh apply an enormous amount of dressing to a patient's arm.
Carla: [to J.D.] Relax, Bambi....
Flash to: Yet Another Bed
Carla looks on as J.D. examines a vial before a very sheepish-looking Josh.
Carla: It's just one mistake....
Flash to: Still Another Bed
J.D. is leaning against a monitor, as Josh looks over a chart. Carla turns to him.
Carla: [smiling] Goodnight, Thumper.
Josh: Cool! Great first day, Dr. Dorian!
He gives a thumbs' up, and Carla graciously returns it. J.D. turns and attempts similar.
J.D.: [forcing a smile] Yeah it was! Okay!
Josh leaves. Carla turns to J.D.
Carla: Relax, Bambi, it's just one mista---
J.D.: Yes, Carla! They're each one mistake, but when you put 'em all together, it makes, like, 4 million mistakes!
Carla: Did you just snap at me? [turning to the newly arrived Nurse Roberts] Because I think he just snapped at me.
Nurse Roberts: Mmm-hmmm.
J.D.: I'm sorry.
Carla: Yeah, you are.
J.D.: I'm s--I'm sorry.
Carla: [giving "the hand"] Egh.
J.D.: Carla... I gotta go home.
He starts to leave, but Nurse Roberts stop him.
Nurse Roberts: Hold it, Q-Tip. [she plunks a large stack of paperwork into his hands] You have to co-sign all these orders, fill out a vascular consult on Bed 3, and get a tox-screen for Mrs. O'Brien.
J.D.: No, no, no. But Josh did all this.
Nurse Roberts: Uh-uh, honey. I don't think so.
She walks away from him. J.D.'s frustration begins to really show.
***Fantasy Sequence: In a classic scene -- complete with groans and growls and ripping clothes -- J.D. morphs into The Incredible Hulk. In a fit of anger, he turns over a tray of medical utensils, and tosses the first nearby staffer he sees across the room.
The "Hulkish" green light and '70s music fade as he goes back over to the bed of the patient and picks up her chart.
Incredible J.D.: Mrs. O'Brien, I'm afraid I'm gonna need a urine sample.
***End of Sequence.
~*~
The Hallway
A stately man in an expensive business suit, momentarily revealed to be a Mr. Whitaker Chambers, is walking through with Dr. Kelso towards the Nurses' Station.
Mr. Chambers: Well, Bob, I hope you're taking very good care of my hospital.
Dr. Kelso: You're darn tootin'!
The two men laugh and briefly part ways as Mr. Chambers greets another doctor.
Dr. Kelso: [under breath] Jackass.
He walks over to Elliot, who is standing at the counter, doing some paperwork.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid! Say hello to Whitaker Chambers!
Elliot: [not paying attention] What up.
Dr. Kelso: "What up"!? Whitaker Chambers is the CEO of the corporation that owns this hospital. So, I suggest you stop acting like LL Cool Reid, and starting acting like Doctor Reid.... You dig?
Elliot: But...why would he wanna meet me?
Philip enters, and happily approaches Mr. Chambers.
Philip: Hey, dad!
Mr. Chambers: Oh, hey, son!
They hug affectionately as Elliot watches on.
Elliot: [to self, disappointedly] Aw...poopies.
~*~
Outside the X-Ray Lab
Dr. Cox faces Kristen, as Turk impatiently stands next to him.
Dr. Cox: [to Kristen] It was really nice to meet you.
Kristen: [smiling] Yeah. Same here, doctor.
There's a moment of awkward silence before Cox elbows Turk, rousing him from his boredom.
Turk: [half-hearted] Oh, I'm--I'm sorry.... Dr. Cox, I was gonna take Kristen out for a beer after work; would you like to join us?
Kristen looks at Dr. Cox expectantly. He mulls it over a bit, looking from Kristen to Turk and back again before finally speaking:
Dr. Cox: [resolutely] No. No, I can't do it.
He departs.
Dr. Cox: No! No, no!
Kristen: [watching after Cox] Is he okay?
Turk: No, not really.
~*~
The screen is black...
Josh's muffled voice pierces the darkness:
Josh: Dr. Dorian.... Dr. Dorian....
J.D. wakes up with a start, still in his scrubs, on the couch in...
His Apartment - Very Early Morning
Josh is sitting right in front of him.
Josh: Hi. Your roommate let me in. [spotting Rowdy] Ooh, cool dead dog; can I pet him?
J.D. looks at his watch.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Is he kidding?
He wearily rubs his eyes.
Josh: I came by because...I know I didn't do so great yesterday, but---
J.D.: Wh-what was it that tipped you off? Was it your, uh, inability to perform even the simplest task? I'll bet it was the fact that I only got home twenty minutes ago because I spent the entire night cleaning up after you!
Josh: I'm sorry. Um...I was just really scared.
J.D.: Well, you know what, Josh, you should be scared. Because, I gotta be honest with you -- I don't think you got what it takes. Do you?
Josh puts his hand to his face and slumps on the couch.
J.D.: I didn't think so.
He leaves Josh with his thoughts and gets up off the couch.
Cut to:
The Admissions Area
J.D., obviously newly arrived, is leaning on the front desk, facing Carla.
J.D.: You can stare at me all you want, I'm still not gonna feel bad about what I said to Josh.
She stares at him icily.
J.D.: You don't scare me, woman!
She continues her stare.
J.D.: I'm so sorry, I'll apologize at rounds.
Nurse Roberts comes around a partition into the Station.
J.D.: Oh, Nurse Roberts, have you seen Josh?
Nurse Roberts: The tall, skinny one? He quit.
Carla: Nice job, Bambi.
She walks away.
J.D.: [calling after her] I didn't mean for that to happen! [to Nurse Roberts] I didn't.
Nurse Roberts: You don't have to apologize to me.... You will have to answer to Jesus.
J.D. looks mildly disturbed before venturing a tentative look heavenward.
~*~
COMMERCIAL
~*~
Re-open: The Hospital, exterior - Day
Cut to: interior - The Hall
J.D. is walking through by himself, a look of determination on his face.
J.D.'s Narration: After what happened with Josh, I did what any good person would do. I went looking for confirmation that it wasn't my fault.
Cut to: J.D. trying to keep up with Elliot.
J.D.: Okay, here's what happened.
Cut to: J.D. Trying to keep up with Nurse Roberts.
J.D.: I mean, he was screwing up constantly.
Cut to: J.D. trying to keep up with Turk.
J.D.: It's not like I forced him to quit.
Cut to: J.D. standing against the doorframe looking into the Admissions Area.
J.D.: I just don't think it's my fault he quit.
The Janitor leans against the frame from the other side.
Janitor: I don't know.... I think most of the bad things that happen around here are your fault.
J.D.: I was talking to her.
He goes through the doorway and approaches Carla doing some work behind the front desk.
Carla: Well, I'm not gonna tell you what you wanna hear.
J.D.: Even Nurse Roberts says he's the most incompetent young doctor she's ever worked with.
Carla: Hey, Laverne, what'd you first say about J.D. when he started working here?
Her question reaches Nurse Roberts as she's walking through.
Nurse Roberts: That he was the most incompetent young doctor I ever worked with.
J.D.: [to Carla] It's not my fault he failed.
Carla: He didn't fail -- you did. You're supposed to be his teacher.
She gathers up her paperwork and walks away. The Janitor, who had remained nearby, turns to J.D.
Janitor: You see, to me, that sounds like it's your fault. I dunno....
J.D. turns to look at him.
Janitor: ...Shocker. Yeah....
Tired of not getting the validation he desired, J.D. turns and leaves the Area.
Janitor: Where're you goin'? Stay and play!
He follows after J.D.
~*~
Outside the Hospital - The Bench
Turk is sitting, enjoying a magazine. The passing of a truck suddenly reveals Dr. Cox sitting next to him.
Cox waits impatiently for Turk to take notice. He momentarily does, and folds up his magazine.
Turk: Okay. So you're having a little trouble asking out Kristen. It's no shame, it's not a problem.
Dr. Cox: Whoa, there, Curly. I got no problem asking a woman out. Watch this: [to a passing woman] Wanna have a drink sometime?
Lady: No.
She never even stops.
Dr. Cox: Good. [to Turk] See? I'm fine over here.
Turk: Okay. You know how men are always talkin' about themselves, right? Well, apparently, women like to talk about themselves even more.
Dr. Cox: Well, thank you, Sensei, you've touched me deeply.
Turk: Okay, you can be cynical if you want, but I'm telling you the honest-to-goodness truth -- if you get Kristen to talk about herself, it's on. It's on and poppin'. And if that doesn't work, you just simply do what I do.
Dr. Cox: Which is what, exactly?
Turk stands and lowers the waist of his scrubs, exposing his undergarments.
Turk: Show a little booty!
He begins to walk towards the hospital.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no. No, no. You put that away!
Turk continues on his way, with a strutting skip towards the hospital.
Dr. Cox: [continuing] Oh, think of the children. [whistles] D-doctor!
~*~
A Private Patient's Room
Philip is with a patient. Elliot enters the room with a chart in hand.
Elliot: [tentative] Uh, Philip? I-I was just wondering if maybe you could write out this patient's discharge summary?
Philip: Oh, where's the fun?
Elliot: Excuse me?
Philip: From now on, whenever you're wondering whether or not I'll do something, just ask yourself, "Where's the fun?" I think it'll be a time-saver -- for both of us.
Elliot: [sincere] You know what's sad? I'm betting that if you were really honest with yourself, you'd realize how unsatisfying it is to ride through life on your father's coattails.
He thinks a moment.
Philip: No. I'm okay with it.
She's baffled.
~*~The Locker Area
Josh is collecting his stuff. J.D. comes in.
J.D.: Josh. This is completely crazy.
Josh: You told me I shouldn't be a doctor.
J.D.: Kidding! Josh! But you know what, forget all of that. The thing is, you have to hang in there. Now, I promise you, I am gonna help you.
*** Fantasy Sequence: A Suburban Street
J.D. (in a suit jacket and glasses) is teaching Josh how to ride a bicycle..
J.D.: Here we go!
He let's go, and Josh rides -- very shakily -- on his own.
J.D.: [raising his arms] You're doin' it! You're doin' it! Yeah you are! You're doin' it!
*** End of Sequence.
J.D.: So what do you say?
Josh: Look, Dr. Dorian, I know what you're trying to do. My whole life, people have felt sorry for me.
J.D.: Why would anyone feel sorry for you?
Josh: Look at me! I'm clumsy, I'm always throwing up, I don't even have an ass!
J.D.: But Josh, those are the same things that I was dealing with when I first started here.... Except for the--the ass part.... I actually have a...great ass. It's...firm, like mutton.
Josh: I'm not buying it, Dr. Dorian.
He picks up his box of belongings and turns toward the door.
Josh: But thanks for trying.
J.D. looks disappointed as he watches him leave.
~*~The Hall
Kristen is leaning against a wall with a soda in hand as Dr. Cox faces her, giving her a pretty intense questioning.
Dr. Cox: So, uh, where you from?
Kristen: Chicago. Where you from?
Dr. Cox: Pittsburgh. Family?
Kristen: What?
Dr. Cox: Family -- brothers, sisters, you know....
Kristen: One older brother. What about you?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, we're gonna go ahead and keep the focus on you. I thought I made that clear to you. Are your parents still together?
He looks at her expectantly. She remains cool.
Kristen: Yep.
She smiles.
Dr. Cox: Do you have any idea how hard you're makin' this on me?
Kristen: No. But I'm kinda wondering if someone's slipped something into my soda.
On her way through, Carla stops a moment.
Carla: Oh, he has that effect on everyone the first couple of weeks.
Dr. Cox looks over his shoulder at the departing Carla. Just then, his beeper goes off. He looks at it.
Dr. Cox: I-I gotta go. We, uh, we'll pick this up later.
He gives her a small thumbs' up as he starts to turn and leave.
Kristen: Pick what up?
He thinks a moment, but just whimpers exasperatedly. As he walks down the hall, he hikes up the tail of his t-shirt, revealing his lowered scrubs.
He stiffly waves at a passing staffer:
Dr. Cox: What -- up -- dawg.
Kristen: Not a strong move with the tightie-whities!
She laughs as he hops around a bit, hiking his scrubs back up.
~*~
A Small Nurses Station
Elliot is going over some paperwork on one counter while Philip sits on another, amusing himself by waving his arms in the air and making childish noises.
It doesn't take much of this before she spins around to face him.
Elliot: Philip, if you're not gonna help, get the hell out of my face and just go wait for your trust fund to mature!
Dr. Kelso passes by.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, can I see you a minute?
Elliot: Oh, Doc-Dr. Kelso....
Philip happily waves after her as she follows Dr. Kelso into a small office, explaining as she goes.
Elliot: [to Dr. Kelso] I am so, so sorry. I just got so frustrated; plus I'm PMS-ing...well, not exactly -- the Pill plays major havoc with my cycle. I'm like, [waving her hands around erratically] Waaagggghhhhhhh!!!!!!---
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, you talk too much; it's a problem. Now, why are you doing all of your med student's work?
Elliot: Well, his father---
Dr. Kelso: I hate his father. But I'm the one who has to suck up to him -- not you.
She raises her brow in surprised understanding.
Dr. Kelso: For God's sake, woman, show some cajones.
He exits the office, and she smiles to herself before doing likewise.
~*~
The Hall
J.D. stands against the wall near the elevator as he watches Josh on his way out.
J.D.'s Narration: It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the only thing to do is think of someone that I look up to and remember how they first got through to me.
Dr. Cox approaches.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were, in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know! Here, it's a conundrum. But don't you worry about it -- I'll tackle that one right upstairs [he taps his head]. In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work. And right about now, even though you don't have your basket, aw, it's just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley. Skip away. [nodding persuasively] Skip away. Go on. Skip away.
J.D. nervously leaves, and attempts to actually skip away, as told.
Dr. Cox: [singing vaguely] Skip, skip, skip to-my-loo -- woo-hoo!
~*~
The Doctor's Lounge - Late Afternoon
Philip is lying on one of the couches, watching the TV. Elliot enters with a smile.
Elliot: Hello, Philip.
Philip: Lemonhead!
Elliot: Yeah, I get it, 'c-'c-'cause of the hair. Listen, admittedly, I was kinda hard on you from the start, but, on the other hand -- as I'm sure you know -- you're an incredible tool. So, I'll lay off if you drop the attitude, and we'll just start completely fresh. Whatta you say?
Philip: I don't wanna. But, if you've got a problem with that, go-go see my father.
Elliot: I think I'll do that.
She smiles and heads for the door.
Philip: Oh, uh, wait! Dr. Reid! Uh!
He drops the remote control and leaps over the coffee table to catch her.
She turns to face him.
Philip: I-I-I had some time to think about it, and, um...what the hell, let's start fresh.
Elliot: Ohhh, Phillie! ...I don't wanna.
She turns and leaves.
~*~
Surgery - The Washroom
Dr. Cox stands next to Kristen as they both scrub up.
Dr. Cox: Sorry we got interrupted before.
Kristen: It's okay.
Dr. Cox: Where were we?
Kristen: I was telling you that my parents were still married, and then you yelled at me.
Dr. Cox: Right, of course I did. That's...me all over.
Kristen: Why are you washing your hands?
Dr. Cox: I don't honestly know, to tell you the truth. I'm--I guess it's 'cause I don't have anything of interest to say.
From inside the OR, Turk has heard this discussion. Quite fed up, he enters the washroom.
Turk: You got nothing to worry about, 'cause I got something to say. Dr. Cox, you are an attending; so you should know that it is highly inappropriate for you to be sniffing around this woman all day long!
Dr. Cox holds in his anger, but it shows on his face.
Turk comes up behind Kristen.
Turk: And you! You are a med student -- who should be learning from me, but every time I turn around, you're talking to him. So I'm telling you right now, I forbid you to get involved with that guy.
Kristen: [small] Sorry, doctor.
Now washed and ready for surgery, she turns and heads into the OR.
Dr. Cox: [to Turk] You do...realize, of course, that you just effectively signed your own death warrant.
Turk: Dude, do you, like, know any women at all?
Flash to:
Dr. Cox's Apartment - Evening
The doorbell rings, and Dr. Cox answers the door to Kristen who looks all ready for a fun night.
Kristen: Hi.
His eyes sort of bug out.
Kristen: I know we're not supposed to be seeing each other, but, um....
She walks into the apartment without even waiting for an invitation from the dumbfounded Cox.
Dr. Cox: [whispering to self] Wow.
~*~
A Ward
J.D. and Carla are prepping a patient for a procedure. Josh, dressed in his casual attire, walks up to them.
Josh: Why did you page me? I-I don't even know why I still have this stupid thing on.
J.D.: Put your gloves on, Josh. I need you to get an ABG.
Josh: I can't.
He turns to leave, but J.D. calls after him.
J.D.: Newbie, wait.
Carla: "Newbie"?
J.D.: [quietly to her] Shut up.
Josh grudgingly turns to listen.
J.D.: Look, Josh. You're the one who knows whether you wanna be a doctor or not. But right now, I kinda got my hands full, okay? So whatta ya say you put some gloves on, Shirley, and get the hell in here.
Carla looks at J.D. incredulously.
Nevertheless, Josh walks over to the patient. Carla hands him some gloves which he slips on.
J.D.: Okay, now, locate the radial pulse.
J.D. and Carla watch intently as Josh feels the patient's wrist.
J.D.: Josh, look at me.
He does.
J.D.: You can do this.
Josh nods, and carefully inserts the needle.
Carla: It looks good.
She smiles at Josh.
Josh: [laughing] No way!
J.D.: [impatiently, to Josh] What do you want, a cookie? Go put your scrubs on and get back here.
Josh dawdles a bit, smiling at his work as he pulls the gloves off.
J.D.: Go--go--go!
Josh flees the ward to do as he was told. Carla watches to see when he clears the room.
Carla: [to J.D.] G'head.
He raises his hands in a victory stance.
Carla: That's it.
J.D. looks down at Josh's work.
J.D.: Could you...re-do that?
Carla: Yeah.
~*~
Cox's Apartment
He works at the bar while Kristen sits on the sofa. She raises an empty glass to him.
Kristen: Could I get some more wine?
He happily takes her glass.
Dr. Cox: [laughing excitedly] Oh, puh-lease keep drinking!
Kristen: Men are so funny. I'm basically throwing myself at you, and you're still trying to get me drunk.
He carries two half-full glasses with him over the back of the couch to sit next to her.
Dr. Cox: Well, baby, you gotta play all 48 minutes.
He empties one of the glasses into the other and clinks them together.
Dr. Cox: Cheers.
He hands her the full glass.
Kristen: Cheers.
He puts his arm around her.
Kristen: [smiling] This is fun.
Dr. Cox: I love the part right before we start hating each other.
Kristen: [seductive -- and tipsy] Oh, really....
She leans in for a kiss, but he speaks before she can get to it.
Dr. Cox: You wanna know something?
Kristen: What?
Dr. Cox: I feel like I'm using you to get past another person.
Kristen: That's not as sexy as you think it is.
Dr. Cox: It's this nurse....
He turns away from her, somewhat bitterly, and gets off the couch.
Dr. Cox: [knocking his head] This unavailable nurse! I swear....
Kristen: Ahh....
Dr. Cox: Look, Kristen...
He picks up her coat and faces her.
Dr. Cox: I think you're great. But this whole thing's just not fair to you.
Kristen: Yeah.
She puts down her glass and stands.
Kristen: If it's okay with you, I think I'll go ahead and decide what's fair to me.
She pushes her coat out of his hands and wraps her arms around his waist.
She kisses him. And after a second, he loses himself in it.
Dr. Cox: [intoxicated] That works for everybody.
Kristen: Perry....
Dr. Cox: Actually, I prefer 'Dr. Cox'.
Kristen: You like strong women, don't you?
Dr. Cox: Are you kiddin' me? They're the only ones I let ruin my life.
She extricates herself from his embrace just enough to get a hold of him to turn him and push him down onto the couch. He lands with an "oof!" and a surprised expression. She climbs on top of him.
Kristen: This is way too easy.
Dr. Cox: Oh, baby; bring it on!
Kristen: Stop talking.
~*~
The Hospital, Exterior - Day
Cut to: Interior - The Cafeteria
Elliot is eating at a table with Turk and J.D. As Carla, with her tray in hand, starts over to the table, Philip enters, approaching Elliot.
Philip: Dr. Reid, I wrote out your admission orders, and I got the blood cultures that you wanted.
Elliot never looks up.
Elliot: Good. Now beat it -- I'm eating.
Philip departs, and Carla sits down at the table, quite impressed.
Carla: Elliot, you ball-buster!
Elliot: [excited] I know, isn't it great!
Elliot continues to chatter with Carla and Turk, but J.D, is lost in thought.
J.D.'s Narration: I think a lot of us get freaked out when med students come because it feels like being forced to accept new people into your family.
Dr. Cox parts from Kristen as she heads over to another table and he towards one with a few of his colleagues.
J.D.'s Narration: It changes everything. Me, I was more struck by how these "newbies" made me look at myself....
J.D. looks over his shoulder to a table where Josh sits with his friends. The two make eye contact and Josh smiles, gesturing to his stethoscope.
J.D.'s Narration: Who I used to be.... Who I am now.... And who I might someday become.
J.D. looks over at the table of doctors including Dr. Cox.
J.D.'s Narration: But hopefully, not too soon.
J.D.'s attention goes back to his table's conversation just as Turk is concluding a point. J.D. holds out his fist to his friend.
J.D.: [singing] Player!
Turk meets his fist with his own in a twist.
Turk: [singing back] Hold me down!
Elliot laughs.
Carla: [to Elliot] Such dorks.
Elliot: [laughing] Oh, my God!
Turk: [mimicking] "Oh, my God!"
Fade to Black.
END
